Tuesday 24th September
So, three things affect me today; rollercoaster doesn’t come close to describing my feelings.
First: The postman brings me a letter from Exeter hospital, bringing forward my appointment with the surgeon who carried out the SLNB, by one week. Is this a good thing? Do they have my results? What will he tell me? I am worried. I am scared. My mind works overtime, wondering.
Second: When the telephone rings in the afternoon, I am surprised to hear the voice of the Macmillan nurse whom I dislike. She has rung “to touch base”. I don’t know, but I have this paranoid image of her, sitting at a desk, clutching my results, having just discussed my case at the MDT meeting. I can almost feel her willing me to ask about the results. I don’t. I want to be face to face with someone, and that someone to be my surgeon. I was very much upset when she gave me the original diagnosis of malignant melanoma over the telephone. I thought it was very insensitive and certainly unprofessional. My consultant had not been best pleased at all. Anyway, that call shook me up. I hadn’t heard from her for weeks, and then up she pops.
Three: The doorbell rings as I’m slicing up peppers to throw into the wok ~ we’re having a stir fry. Standing at the front door is a lovely colleague from work, holding a beautiful bunch of roses for me. I’m sorry, but I become tearful: chopping onions, or feeling blessed that people care?