Thursday 31st March

“Cause you never think
That the last time is the last time.
You think there will be more.
You think you have forever,
But you don’t.”

             ~ Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

I never thought
The last time you climbed the stairs
Would be the last time.

I never thought
The last kiss goodnight
Would be the last one.

I never thought
The last time you said “night mum”
Would be your last words.

I never thought
The last hug you gave me
Would be the last cuddle.

I never thought
The last time you fell asleep
Would be your last breaths.

I’d thought there’d be more.
More time spent with you.
More life on this earth.

I thought we did have forever.
I thought we’d have so much more.
I thought you’d be here tomorrow.

It’s been fifty five weeks
Three hundred and eighty five days
Since you peacefully went to heaven.

Love you my Angel.
Precious son.
Forever young.

xxxxxxx

Tuesday 29th March

The pain will always be there
Because my love is always there.
My grief is a constant reminder:
You were here, and now you’re not.

The hurt won’t magically go away
Your departure was just so sudden.
There is a struggle every day
To live with this broken heart.

The private despair is well-hidden,
I don’t easily let the mask drop.
It’s almost become second nature
Every morning, to keep on keeping on.

The pain and grief won’t ever disappear
The hurt and despair are numbing.
The struggle is real, and on-going
All because I love you so much.

The sadness of the shattered dreams
The quiet, empty space that remains.
Disbelief and realisation together
All conspiring to mess with your head.

I can’t ‘close the book’
I won’t ‘start a new chapter’
I shan’t ‘write a new story’
I don’t want ‘to move on’.

I can never leave you behind.
I don’t want to leave you behind
You’ll be with me forever and a day
By my side and in my heart.

I’ll cry for you at your graveside
Sob silently at three in the morning
Catch my breath, clutch my heart
As the unseen juggernaut of grief hits.

Unimaginable heartache and loss
A coping mechanism is in place
Other peoples’ lives move on
I just see mine so differently now.

When asked how I’m doing
There’s an automatic response:
Oh yes, I’m fine, I’m ok, thank you
(You wouldn’t want to know the truth.)

Unless you’ve lost your own child
No matter what age, or circumstances
The indescribable sorrow of that loss
Is with you every waking moment.

I’m not moaning, just trying to cope
Trying to be positive and smile again.
The impact you had on all our lives
The enormity of you; just immense.

Learning to live with a broken heart
Hiding emotions, trying to join in.
Celebrating your life, talking of you
Keeping your many memories alive.

Walking the earth for over thirty years
Eleven thousand, and eleven days
A palindromic number: 11,011
For such an enigmatic young man.

You’ll always be there with us
Even in heaven, looking down
On our new adventures and travels
You will always, always be there.

Love you my Angel.
xxxxxxx

Sunday 27th March

Happy Easter my precious Angel
So loved, so very much missed.
Now securely protected in my heart
That’s where you’ll forever exist.

Easter, 2006. Woodlands Adventure Park. Fun on the toboggan run.

Another toboggan run, this time in Australia, 1990

Merimbula's Magic Mountain, on the Sapphire Coast, NSW. You, me and your brother

I’m remembering you this Easter,
So many adventures, so much fun.
Sending chocolate eggs to heaven
Smiling with you on the toboggan run.

Love you forever
Missing you every day.

xxxxxxx

Saturday 26th March

Gone . . . . . .
You’re not coming back.

Gone . . . . . .
Our whole life as once was.

Gone . . . . . .
Hopes, dreams and plans.

Gone . . . . . .

You have gone.
Those days are gone.
Everything has changed.

Gone . . . . . .

Gone, but never forgotten.
Gone, but memories remain.
Gone, but you’re within our hearts.
Gone, but there’s thirty years of living.

Gone . . . . . .

But you were here.
You did live,
You breathed,
You did exist.

And I love you for all that.
But the missing you is so hard.

Beloved Angel son.

xxxxxxx

Thursday 24th March

Wherever I go
Whatever I do
Memories keep
Me near to you.

Whenever I travel
Whoever I meet
There you’ll stay
Within my heartbeat.

However I live
Forever I know
My love for you
Continues to grow.

Missing you every day.
Love you so much.
Beloved Angel son.

xxxxxxx

Flowers in the rain today

Tuesday 22nd March

You’re my first
And last thought
Of every
Single day.
I love you
My darling Angel.
The missing
Doesn’t get
Any easier.
The loving
Becomes
So much more
Intense.

xxxxxxx

New bunny with primulas

A grey afternoon at the beach, again