Monthly Archives: March 2016

The last time

Standard

image

Thursday 31st March

“Cause you never think
That the last time is the last time.
You think there will be more.
You think you have forever,
But you don’t.”

             ~ Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

I never thought
The last time you climbed the stairs
Would be the last time.

I never thought
The last kiss goodnight
Would be the last one.

I never thought
The last time you said “night mum”
Would be your last words.

I never thought
The last hug you gave me
Would be the last cuddle.

I never thought
The last time you fell asleep
Would be your last breaths.

I’d thought there’d be more.
More time spent with you.
More life on this earth.

I thought we did have forever.
I thought we’d have so much more.
I thought you’d be here tomorrow.

It’s been fifty five weeks
Three hundred and eighty five days
Since you peacefully went to heaven.

Love you my Angel.
Precious son.
Forever young.

xxxxxxx

image

image

image

My boys

Standard

image

Wednesday 30th March

My boys.
My two lovely boys.

Do you have any children?
Yes, I have two.
One on earth
And one in heaven.

One forever thirty
And one who’ll soon be twenty nine.

My boys.
My two lovely boys.

I love you both so very much.
To the moon and back and all the world.

xxxxxxx

image

Smarty pants and bow ties. A family wedding 1992

image

image

Always be there

Standard

image

Tuesday 29th March

The pain will always be there
Because my love is always there.
My grief is a constant reminder:
You were here, and now you’re not.

The hurt won’t magically go away
Your departure was just so sudden.
There is a struggle every day
To live with this broken heart.

The private despair is well-hidden,
I don’t easily let the mask drop.
It’s almost become second nature
Every morning, to keep on keeping on.

The pain and grief won’t ever disappear
The hurt and despair are numbing.
The struggle is real, and on-going
All because I love you so much.

The sadness of the shattered dreams
The quiet, empty space that remains.
Disbelief and realisation together
All conspiring to mess with your head.

I can’t ‘close the book’
I won’t ‘start a new chapter’
I shan’t ‘write a new story’
I don’t want ‘to move on’.

I can never leave you behind.
I don’t want to leave you behind
You’ll be with me forever and a day
By my side and in my heart.

I’ll cry for you at your graveside
Sob silently at three in the morning
Catch my breath, clutch my heart
As the unseen juggernaut of grief hits.

Unimaginable heartache and loss
A coping mechanism is in place
Other peoples’ lives move on
I just see mine so differently now.

When asked how I’m doing
There’s an automatic response:
Oh yes, I’m fine, I’m ok, thank you
(You wouldn’t want to know the truth.)

Unless you’ve lost your own child
No matter what age, or circumstances
The indescribable sorrow of that loss
Is with you every waking moment.

I’m not moaning, just trying to cope
Trying to be positive and smile again.
The impact you had on all our lives
The enormity of you; just immense.

Learning to live with a broken heart
Hiding emotions, trying to join in.
Celebrating your life, talking of you
Keeping your many memories alive.

Walking the earth for over thirty years
Eleven thousand, and eleven days
A palindromic number: 11,011
For such an enigmatic young man.

You’ll always be there with us
Even in heaven, looking down
On our new adventures and travels
You will always, always be there.

Love you my Angel.
xxxxxxx

image

image

image

No buddy

Standard

image

Monday 28th March

You didn’t always see eye to eye
You and your younger brother,
But in your own ways, loved each other.
There is no buddy like a brother.

Friends, companions and playmates,
You and your younger brother,
Always looking out for one another.
There is no buddy like a brother.

image

Australia, 1990

image

image

image

Tobago, 1995

Brothers forever.

Missing you so much.
Love you to the moon and back.
Darling Angel son.

xxxxxxx

image

Your bunny buddy

image

After the storm

image

Dark grey skies

image

Brooding clouds

Easter Angel

Standard

image

Sunday 27th March

Happy Easter my precious Angel
So loved, so very much missed.
Now securely protected in my heart
That’s where you’ll forever exist.

image

Easter, 2006. Woodlands Adventure Park. Fun on the toboggan run.

image

Another toboggan run, this time in Australia, 1990

image

Merimbula's Magic Mountain, on the Sapphire Coast, NSW. You, me and your brother

I’m remembering you this Easter,
So many adventures, so much fun.
Sending chocolate eggs to heaven
Smiling with you on the toboggan run.

Love you forever
Missing you every day.

xxxxxxx

image

image

image

Gone

Standard

image

Saturday 26th March

Gone . . . . . .
You’re not coming back.

Gone . . . . . .
Our whole life as once was.

Gone . . . . . .
Hopes, dreams and plans.

Gone . . . . . .

You have gone.
Those days are gone.
Everything has changed.

Gone . . . . . .

Gone, but never forgotten.
Gone, but memories remain.
Gone, but you’re within our hearts.
Gone, but there’s thirty years of living.

Gone . . . . . .

But you were here.
You did live,
You breathed,
You did exist.

And I love you for all that.
But the missing you is so hard.

Beloved Angel son.

xxxxxxx

image

image

Tears in the heart

Standard

image

Friday 25th March

“There are many tears in the heart
That never reach the eyes.”

A local tradition on Good Friday, is to go to the Boating Pond, at the top of the town, and watch all the children, (and many parents), sail their model yachts.
Dad and I, along with my sister, decided to drive up there.
Today was a beautiful, sunny day, and many participants had turned out with various watercraft.
You would have enjoyed people watching, and wandering around the pond, in the fresh air.

image

The boating pond on Good Friday

Having spent some time watching the boats, we drove to a newly opened cafe/restaurant/micro brewery, at the top of the town, with spectacular views. Cappuccinos all round.
They served your favourite: chocolate brownies.

image

Blue skies and seas surrounding the town

We then drove back home, and went off for a walk, fascinated by all the holidaymakers enjoying the sunny, but not too warm, weather. It’s still March, but so many families were on the beach, and in the water, as if it was the height of summer.

image

A sunny corner of the harbour

The main surfing beach was fairly busy too, with the lifeguards now on duty, and the Surf School up and running.
I’m sure you would have walked along the beach, getting your shoes wet, full of sand and watching the waves.

image

Porthmeor Beach today

image

Bamaluz, looking towards Hayle

Just before we walked home, we stopped off in the church, and lit candles for you, and for your brother’s girlfriend’s mum.
It’s three hundred and seventy nine days since you went to heaven, my heart is still full of so much pain, but I try my hardest to keep the tears at bay, trying to keep them from my eyes.
I write your name in the book, asking for prayers to be said for you.

image

We light candles for you

I wish you had been with us today.
Missing you like crazy
Precious Angel baby.

xxxxxxx

image

Flowers in the late afternoon sun

image

Sun and rainbow prism, through the trees

Wherever I go

Standard

image

Thursday 24th March

Wherever I go
Whatever I do
Memories keep
Me near to you.

Whenever I travel
Whoever I meet
There you’ll stay
Within my heartbeat.

However I live
Forever I know
My love for you
Continues to grow.

Missing you every day.
Love you so much.
Beloved Angel son.

xxxxxxx

image

Flowers in the rain today

image

image

Warrior

Standard

image

Wednesday 23rd March

My precious Angel warrior
Galloping across the skies
Filled with equine euphoria
As you catch another sunrise.

image

You and your horse, Warrior

image

You and Warrior, standing in front of the Fortune Centre of Riding Therapy

A number of years ago, when you attended the Fortune Centre, in the New Forest, we commissioned a painting of you, with your favourite horse.
You were eighteen, and had spent the most amazing three years gaining your Further Education through Horsemanship qualification.
Such an achievement for you, such happy times.

We miss those carefree days.
We miss you so very much.
Love you forever.
My precious Angel warrior.

xxxxxxx

image

Sunshine at the beach today

image

Blue skies, yellow sands and the Surf School

image

High tide and sunshine in the harbour

image

image

Forever in our hearts