Friday 31st July
We both felt a little sad today, at different times, with various small things sparking off a few tears. I know this is going to keep happening for a long time, but the suddenness of the occurrence catches you off guard.
A thought, a sound, a smell, a date in the calendar. Photographs, your toys, books, clothes, even food, all hold pieces of significance and so many, many special memories. And it doesn’t take much for the tears to begin to fall.
As I walked up to your graveside this morning, I noticed a large red admiral butterfly had alighted on your flowers.
It stayed there for quite some time.
Was that a sign from you?
I would dearly like to think so.
The butterfly looked really delicate and beautiful, and it did make me smile.
Sending you butterfly kisses.
Love you my Angel xxxx
Thursday 30th July
Returning from our afternoon walk I saw there was a parcel left beside the back door. This is what I had been waiting for……
You and Dad’s mum had got together over the telephone and arranged a bouquet of flowers to be sent to me on Mother’s Day. (They arrived on the Saturday, as no actual deliveries were made on Sundays).
They arrived two days after you fell asleep.
Two days after you gained your angel wings.
The last thing you ever did for me.
I can’t remember who it was, but someone suggested I have the flowers preserved, so I could always treasure and keep forever, your final act of kindness and thoughtfulness.
Today those flowers came back to me, preserved in a memory box, behind glass, arranged in a beautiful little posy.
Flowers preserved from Frank's Mother's Day bouquet
The flowers have somehow been preserved, not pressed, to look as fresh and natural as when they arrived; in their full three-dimensional glory. A truly precious memento that I will cherish forever.
It’s twenty weeks this evening since you flew up to heaven and my heart broke in two. It doesn’t seem to get any easier. We are missing you so very much.
And yet today, although opening the parcel containing the preserved flowers was a very bittersweet moment, I did smile a little, thinking about what you had done for me, and the fact I could always look upon those flowers and think of you.
My dear beloved child.
Sweet dreams my Angel.
Wednesday 29th July
The sunflowers on your place of rest are looking beautiful today, facing the sun, so bright and colourful, holding their heads up tall and strong.
The sunflower seeds you bought, that Dad planted in the garden, have grown to almost five feet tall. The flower heads are just forming and should be ready to bloom in a few weeks.
It was your aim to grow the biggest sunflower ever. That’s why you bought the seeds with pocket money Nan gave you. I wish you were here now to see your plants growing. They’ll probably end up being taller than you.
You were our little ray of sunshine.
And now you’re up there in Heaven.
But there’s still a little bit of Heaven in our home, in our garden, in our hearts and in our lives.
And I miss you.
Love you my darling Angel.
Tuesday 28th July
“Every so often your loved ones will open the door from Heaven, and visit you in a Dream.
Just to say “Hello” and to remind you they are still with you, just in a different way….”
Yes, every so often I do feel your presence beside me. I know you’re there holding out your hand for me, so that we can walk along together.
The harbour front was bustling today with families on the beach, walking on the pavements and in the middle of the road, sitting outside the cafés, motoring about the bay in boats, or trying to slowly drive along avoiding the meandering throngs.
I’m not sure you would have enjoyed being here, out and about today. There were just so many people, and you didn’t really like crowds. By now we would had been in South Carolina meeting up with old friends, and getting used to a more relaxed time.
This will be our first summer for about twenty years that we are staying at home and not flying to America. You see, you are no longer with us, and we can’t face having our ‘normal’ vacation without you.
Someday that will change, and we will retrace our steps and revisit places we went to with you. We will also create new journeys. Someday. But not yet awhile. Not yet.
Missing you so very much today.
Love you forever precious Angel.
High tide in the harbour this afternoon. Sunshine and moody clouds.
Monday 27th July
On this day two years ago, we had just begun our annual holiday in America, and were staying in Little River, overlooking the marina at Coquina Harbour, South Carolina. We had spent the morning waiting for our hire car to have an oil change, eating Krispy Kreme doughnuts to pass the time, and by late afternoon were ready for a dip in the hotel pool.
You loved being in the water. Jumping in, swimming, or, as in the video, walking along the bottom on your hands. You looked so happy and relaxed then.
I look upon you now in that pool, and think “If only….”, “I wonder….”, “What if….” ……. Coulda, shoulda, woulda……
I miss you so much, nothing is the same, and the future has taken an unknown path.
It’s as if we’ve been transported to a parallel universe, but one without you, and we are unsure of what to do next and where to go.
Love you to the moon and back.
Happy swimming my darling Angel.
Sunday 26th July
out of my
What an excellent metaphor.
This does happen to me quite a lot.
I think of you, remember something about you, I see a picture, or hear a sound that reminds me of you, and tears stream down my face. I can’t stop them. You meant so much.
For thirty years we had such fun together: we saw the world, watched you as you grew up, tried to look after you, and gave you everything we could. Even though you had Asperger’s, you were always enjoying life to the full. All sorts of experiences, encounters and adventures. And in return, you could be so loving, caring and thoughtful. You had a great sense of humour, a terrific knowledge of trivia and strong sense of justice.
You are always so close to me, and yet now so far away.
We just miss you so very much.
Love you forever.
My Angel xxxx
Saturday 25th July
Following a number of days of grey, wet and very windy weather, today was much better. Clear blue skies, warm sun, and only a light breeze: I’m sure the many tourists were thankful as they made their way to the beaches, loaded down with towels, windbreaks, buckets and spades, and surfboards. This is what summer at the seaside is all about. A day playing on the sand and swimming in the sea, eating ice cream and using sunscreen.
We spend about an hour at your graveside, renewing the flowers, clipping the grass, whilst talking to you all the time. No, it’s not strange, it’s what we do. We’ve always looked after you, and we will continue to do so. Sunflowers, roses, carnations, gladioli, chrysanthemums and petunias, all looking beautiful in the sunshine.
We take a walk around the crowded harbour in the afternoon and watch the regatta of small yachts in the bay. It really is quite picturesque. Amazing what sunny weather can do to a place.
In years past, we would now be on our summer vacation in America. Travelling with you down the east coast to Orlando and beyond. Five weeks, and three thousand miles in our hire car. Such happy, happy days, with fabulous memories. We’re giving it a miss this summer: we are not yet ready to revisit places where we went with you. We will go back there. But not yet.
Thinking of you so much today.
Sweet, precious boy.
My darling Angel son.
Friday 24th July
“If there ever comes a day
when we can’t be together,
keep me in your heart,
I’ll stay there forever.”
And you are in my heart, in my thoughts, in my mind, constantly. And there you will now remain.
Missing you so much, today and every day.
Precious Angel xxx
Thursday 23rd July
“Since you’ve been gone, I talk to you when I feel the need to…. I share my hopes and my thoughts with you…. To me, you are just as real now as you were when I could see you…. Yes, you are my angel.”
Nineteen Thursdays ago you fell asleep in our bed, and did not wake up again.
Although I tried my hardest to save you, you went to heaven as I held you.
You gained your Angel wings so very unexpectedly, and flew away.
Since that day, there has not been a moment that I haven’t thought of you.
You meant so much to so many, but to us, you were everything.
We love you to the moon and back, and every waking moment we miss you.
Take flight my Angel.
Sending kisses to you.
Wednesday 22nd July
“I loved you your entire life and
I will miss you the rest of mine.
You will forever be my always
Fifteen weeks ago today we laid you to rest.
Daily we have come to your graveside.
You will always be our thirty year old son.
The harbour today at low tide.