Monthly Archives: August 2015

Aug31

Share everything with me

Posted on August 31, 2015 by MeRaw

Monday 31st August

“Pretend I haven’t gone anywhere
and share everything with me.
I can hear you!”

We spent a long while with you at your graveside this morning. Dad decided to sand and varnish your simple wooden cross as it was losing it’s sheen with all the wet, dull weather we have been having. Soon we will have a proper headstone for you, but in the meantime, the wooden cross with the brass plaque serves you well.

We do talk to you constantly, as if you can hear us. Round about eleven thirty, the aeroplanes make their way across the sky, westwards, towards America. They leave their dissipating vapour trails as we look up, and we wonder if you are aboard, headed for Florida, and which theme park you’re going to today. Or we speak to you about your brother and his girlfriend, and how they are getting along. Sometimes we moan about the weather, but it wouldn’t bother you at all: coat on, hood up, and off you’d go for a walk around the town.

We tell you all the time that we miss you so very much.
We tell you that we wish you were still here with us.
We wish we could see you, put you in the car, and drive away.
We wish we could still be looking after you, keeping you safe.
We wish we could travel with you, and share adventures.
We wish we could hear your voice, and listen to your laughter.
We tell you all these things and more. All the time.
If only you could hear us, and reply.

Love you forever my sweet Angel son.
xxxx

Aug30

One day at a time

Posted on August 30, 2015 by MeRaw

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Sunday 30th August

“I try to take one day at a time.
But sometimes
Several days attack me at once.”

How true is that statement?

For quite some time now I have been holding it together. Well, I’d like to think so; my outward appearance gives that impression, whilst inside I’m filled with sadness and grief.

Every now and again I have a little help from prescription pills, but I don’t like to take them regularly. I do take St. John’s wort though, every morning, (supposedly nature’s prozac), and I do believe it does take the edge off of stressful situations or episodes of depression.

Today whilst out with my husband, mum and sister, (our regular Sunday ‘shop and lunch’), I felt ‘funny’. A strange tightening in my throat and neck, pain in my head and stomach. Most unnerving. My husband is convinced it was a panic attack. But I don’t panic. I’m sensible, I’m calm, I don’t worry, I’m level-headed. Or I would like to think so. But today, I just didn’t feel right.

Maybe several days were attacking me all at once. Maybe my grief just wanted an outlet, and bubbled up to the surface for a while. Maybe last night I didn’t really sleep properly and was awoken by a nightmare, silently screaming.

It took a bit of time, but sitting down, making an effort to breathe slowly and deeply, the tightness around my throat and chest began to lessen. My hands no longer gripped the edge of the table so firmly.

Was it a panic attack? I really don’t know. But I didn’t like the way I felt. Most unusual.

I do know that I think about you constantly: right from the moment I wake up, when I see your photograph on my bedside table; throughout every minute of the day; during the time spent at your graveside; to the evening when I close your curtains; and then when I sleep, when I try to have happy dreams about you.

I miss you so much.
Sending love and kisses and hugs.
Sweet Angel of mine.
Darling son.
xxxx

Aug29

A piece of my heart

Posted on August 29, 2015 by MeRaw

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Saturday 29th August

A piece of my heart certainly does live in heaven. It went there one hundred and seventy days ago; that fateful evening when you gained your Angel wings.

Miss you, sweetie pie
Up there, flying high.

Love you to the moon and back and all the world.
Love you more, forevermore.

xxxx

Aug28

Some days

Posted on August 28, 2015 by MeRaw

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Friday 28th August

“Some days it can still sneak up on you
and take your breath away.
Grief never dies,
just like the love you once shared.
I miss my child….”

Today has been one of those days.
Tears have come far too easily.
I have felt sad for much of the time.
Thinking of you.
And realising how much we miss you.
How much love we still had to give.

Love you, always and forever.
My Angel son xxxx

Aug27

Your brother

Posted on August 27, 2015 by MeRaw

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Thursday 27th August

This morning your brother came up to see us, as he had a day off from work. He wanted to drive his old car to the garage to see if it was worth repairing, before selling it. We followed him, as his vehicle billowed out copious amounts of grey smoke, one stop light failed to work, and strange noises could be heard from under the bonnet.

Having deposited the car with the friendly garage mechanic, we went off to do some shopping, and stopped for our regular morning cappuccino. Your brother had an iced latte.

We then asked if he wanted to come with us, to visit you. I think he’s only been to the cemetery twice. (It’s not really his thing.)
And yes, he came to see you. He stood silently at your graveside. I do wonder what he was thinking. Remembering. Reminiscing. Recalling.

Australia 1991

We stayed for quite a while, talking to you. Telling you that your brother had come to see you. I wonder if you felt his presence close by? I do think he misses you. A lot.

Cornwall 2013

In the early evening, we went for a drink and a bite to eat with your brother and his girlfriend. We had a table upstairs overlooking the harbour.

The harbour this evening

They are off to Spain in October, then fly out to Thailand for seven weeks. They want us to join them in Spain for Christmas when they return. But we are unsure.
Our friends in America want us to go to the Keys for Christmas too. That is where we should have been last year, but it all was cancelled as you had started your chemotherapy treatment.
I just don’t know where we should go.

Anyway, we have all been thinking of you a lot today.

Miss you so very much.
Love you forever
Precious Angel son xxxx

Aug26

Harbour Town

Posted on August 26, 2015 by MeRaw

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Wednesday 26th August

We have been visiting Hilton Head Island for a number years. It became a stopping off point for our return journey from Florida back to the top of South Carolina, and we fell in love with the place.

We used to stay on South Forest Beach at a wonderful resort, with a pool and huge stretches of white sands.

We loved to explore as well, and always drove out to Harbour Town to find somewhere new to eat, to marvel at the boats, to eat ice cream, and to climb to the top of the lighthouse.
(These pictures are from two years ago this week.)

Lighthouse and open air theatre

View from the top of the lighthouse

You and Dad at the top of the lighthouse

View from the top of the lighthouse

But, close by to where we parked the car, there was a terrific tree swing. Well, more like a swinging bench. You loved it. The gentle rocking motion, in the shade of the enormous tree.

You and Dad on the swing

You. Reading. Relaxing.

Happy times.
Family fun.
Simple things.
Harbour Town swing.

Harbour Town rocking chairs

We are going to so miss those happy, care free times on holiday with you.

Love you, my happy little Angel.
xxxx

Aug25

A little too much

Posted on August 25, 2015 by MeRaw

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Tuesday 25th August

“I miss you a little.
A little too much,
a little too often,
and a whole lot more each day.”

Those words are so true.
We miss you more and more each day.

Wishing that things were different.
Whilst brushing away the tears.

Remembering all the good times.
Cherishing every moment we had.

Thinking about you constantly.
Sending you so much love.

If only…………
If only……

Sleep tight my precious Angel.
xxxx

Aug24

Search in your heart

Posted on August 24, 2015 by MeRaw

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Monday 24th August

“Search in your heart and you will find,
I am no more than one step behind.
I walk with you, but you don’t see,
But in your heart, you know it’s me.”

Sometimes I do think that you are walking along with us. I feel that you are there, as we talk about you, remembering how you would react to certain situations. Or we think about what you would say in response to various questions.

We are reminded of you daily as we look in the garden at your ever-growing sunflowers. They must be over nine feet tall by now. The flower heads haven’t yet opened, but it won’t be long. These are the seeds that you bought, telling everyone you were going to grow the biggest sunflower in the world, and they have really turned into giants. I so wish you could see them. Perhaps you can look down on them and smile.

Yes, you are still with us, in spirit, in my heart. But it makes me so very sad that you are not actually here in person.
I miss everything about you, and I always will.

Love you forever.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxx

Aug23

Message from a colleague

Posted on August 23, 2015 by MeRaw

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Sunday 23rd August

I have been looking through a number of messages on my phone recently, and came across this one from a colleague.
He had attended your funeral service, and wrote to me later that day.
(138 days ago now. It seems a lifetime since then.)

I will treasure his words.

“I found this morning very difficult, which is of course an awful thing to say as no-one could have felt pain like you and your family. What came across is that the wonderful life that Frank enjoyed – albeit far too short – was down to you and Gary and Luke. You are a wonderful example of a family unit and I am sure that there have been some hard times, and yet your love has remained so strong.

Frank is now free and flying with the angels – maybe on horseback, maybe with the dolphins or maybe helping those children that he used to support. Though I never knew him, his life and your relationship with him is an inspiration for all parents.

My wife and I will give our three an extra big cuddle tonight. I am telling you that not to make you feel worse, but you must know the clear relationship between you and Frank is an example for Mums and Dads everywhere. We will aspire to be parents like you!

Thank you for being so brave and sharing everything with us at the service this morning – of course it was difficult, but it was an honour to be there and to hear the readings and to join in the singing. And of course the sunshine did you proud as well! All of our love and prayers are with you and Frank.”

Such beautiful words for our Angel son.
We miss him so very much.
Each and every day there are reminders of what he meant to us.

We love you to the moon and back and all the world.
Night night sweetie pie.
Love you forever.
xxxxx

Aug22

The exclusive club

Posted on August 22, 2015 by MeRaw

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Saturday 22nd August

It really is an exclusive club that we have joined.
And no, no-one asked if we wanted to become part of it.
The price is unbelievably high.
This is not the natural order of things. A parent isn’t supposed to bury their child. Never, ever did we think we would be members of this club.
And once you’ve joined, you’re there for the rest of your life.

The life that you once knew is no more. The plans you were making have disintegrated into a million pieces.
Your path has been ripped up and you’re transported to a parallel time, placed on a new road, but you just don’t know which way to go. The fog hasn’t cleared. There are no signposts. You want to move, but you’re unsure of the direction.

Limbo.
We’re caught.
Between before and now.
Between there and here.
Between past and present.
Between then and next.

Small steps.
Forward.
Onward.

We have memories.
And they are incredibly precious.
Thirty lovely years worth of memories.

Missing you so much.
Beloved son.
Angel child.
xxxx