Saturday 31st October

How are you?
How’s things?
How’re you doing?

I’m ok
(I’m broken)

Doing fine.
(Forlorn. Inconsolable. Nightmare. Empty.)

So, so.
(No, no)

Such lies we tell, in order not to reveal the true feelings within our hearts.

For if we do, in that small moment, our composure may crumble.

A solitary tear may well up, then slowly make it’s way down the cheek.

Only to be followed by thousands more, and then the unstoppable sobs.

The asker of the question thus is at a loss as to what to do.

A hug would be good, at this point in time; a caring, silent hug.

To know that someone cares, is willing to hold you, and wipe away tears.

So, bypass that question, for the moment, if you don’t mind.

Love you, baby.
Angel son.
Forever young.

xxxxx

The Parish Church. Autumn sunshine.

Friday 30th October

“Invisible tears are the hardest to wipe away.”

No one can see my invisible tears
As I think of you, and what might have been.
No one can see my invisible tears.
A mask, hiding emotions, is all that is seen.

No one can feel the pain in my heart.
It’s so silent and your laughter has gone.
No one can feel the pain in my heart.
My life has changed, now my world is torn.

No one can read the thoughts in my head.
The what if’s, should have’s, and if only’s.
No one can read the thoughts in my head.
Soul searching questions and plaintive pleas.

Love you baby.
Sweet Angel.
Forever.
xxxx

Thursday 29th October

The sun did shine today.
The sky was a beautiful blue.
But it’s just not the same
Being here without you.

Tourists playing on the beach.
Children splashing in the sea.
But it’s just not the same.
For you’re not here with me.

Flags flying in the breeze.
Dogs digging in the sand.
But it’s just not the same.
I can no longer hold your hand.

Seagulls flying above the waves.
Dolphins swimming below.
But it’s just not the same.
Quite simply, I miss you so.

Love you my darling.
Thinking of you.
Forever on my mind.
And in my heart, too.

Dearest Angel.
xxxxxx

Busy beach this afternoon

Autumn on the beach

Rain soaked flowers this morning

Tuesday 27th October

You really are always on my mind,
and will remain forever in my heart.

We freshened up your flowers today, to make sure you have a fitting tribute and colourful display at your resting place
It was lightly drizzling, a few more golden brown leaves were falling, and the breeze was pushing along the grey clouds overhead.

We miss you so much my darling.

Are we perpetuating our sorrow by visiting you every single day?
Knowing where you now are, unable to change anything, our lives without you have been altered inexorably.
Right now, it seems the only way to find comfort. Our daily pilgrimage to your graveside feels as if it’s the right thing to do, to come and talk with you, to tend the flowers, to brush away the fallen leaves.

We miss you so much my darling.

I still talk to you, and about you, when I’m away from the cemetery. I speak to you when I’m in your bedroom, when I look at your photographs, when something, anything comes to mind, that triggers a memory of you.

We miss you so much my darling.

On this day in 2008, we were on a half-term break with my sister and her daughter, in Bath. You loved all the shops and street entertainers, and we all enjoyed a boat trip down the river Avon.
I wonder where we would have travelled to, this year?

We miss you so much my darling.

Monday 27th October 2008. Bath.

Always on my mind.
Forever in my heart.

Love you lots.
Missing you like crazy.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxx

Fresh flowers today

Monday 26th October

I was going through some of my old lesson resources, school work and long-forgotten files and folders today. Spring cleaning in the autumn. Trying to throw out old paperwork, some of it more than twenty years old.

Suddenly I was stopped in my tracks.

I held in my hand the local newspaper, with your birth announcement. Yellowed and a bit creased at the edges, this contained our proclamation to the world of your appearance on this earth.

And I cried.

Thirty years ago you were about to start your journey with us, joined two years later by your brother.

For thirty amazing years you were part of our family.

Seeing that announcement on the back page just hit me, right in the middle of my heart.

And I hurt.

So much.

Quite by chance I began looking for a photo of you, to go with this post……

Thursday 26th October 2006. Lucerne, Switzerland

Choosing a sorbet

With Dad

With me

So, nine years ago, on this date in October, you were with us in Switzerland. (The photographs I have on my phone are dated, so I know this for certain )
We were visiting my brother and his wife who were living near Zurich, and we spent a wonderful half-term week with them.

Such happy times, and you look so relaxed and carefree.

Funny face

How I miss those days.

I love you my Angel.
xxxxx

Flowers in the rain today

Sunday 25th October

Although you were never able to be fully independent because of your autism, you did like to wander off to the town or beaches on your own. If you knew a place, and felt safe, then you were quite happy, strolling in and out of book shops, looking through the windows in the High Street, or sitting somewhere watching the holidaymakers. You’d be out of the house for an hour or so, and then you would return, to touch base, just to be sure that we were here.

It was the same in the theme parks of Florida, once you knew the layout, off you’d go, queuing for the rides on your own, safe in the knowledge that we’d meet up again for lunch, a drink or a snack. If you weren’t too sure, you’d run ahead, taking everything in, come back to us, then scamper off again. You probably covered twice or three times the distance that we would walk in a day.

In shopping malls you always wanted to go off on your own, but that was after we had located the food court. We set a period of time, say two hours, and we’d all meet back there. (You couldn’t tell the time, wouldn’t wear a watch, but you were pretty amazing at gauging the passing of time.) Without fail, you’d turn up at the allotted location, exactly at the right time. Sometimes it was uncanny how you managed to do this.

When we stayed in hotels, you liked to be in the same room as us. You said this was because you could see us. You liked to see our faces when we slept. I don’t think you wanted to sleep on your own, and having us close by was reassuring. You wanted to be sure that we were there.

It was the same when you were having chemotherapy, we stayed with you all those nights in hospital. You liked having us next to you, and you’d often want to hold my hand. Again you wanted the reassurance of our presence.

So, just like Piglet, when he takes Pooh’s paw, “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

And we were always, always there for you.

I just wish I could have saved you.

That is all.

Love you forever my darling.
Precious Angel son xxxx

The beach this afternoon, where you loved to walk.

The surf today.

Porthmeor surf

Saturday 24th October

“…….In my own way,
I’m looking for you.
I think this will be so
Until the end of my time…..”

My eyes are drawn skyward, whether at night, looking at the stars and moon, or during the day, trying to see shapes in the clouds.
I’m looking for you.
A little sign, a rainbow, or cloud formation, that lets me know you’re there.
Smiling down.
Is that a bit silly?
Probably.
But it’s what I find myself doing now.
Looking for you, everywhere.
I can’t help it.
I need to know you’re still with me.
In any way possible.
You see, I miss you so very much.

Love you til the end of time.
Beloved Angel son xxxx

Friday 23rd October

Gazing at the surf
Looking out to sea.
Wishing that you were
Still here with me.

You used to walk
Barefoot in the sand.
Reading a book
Or holding my hand.

Splashing in the waves
Jumping in the foam.
But how I wish
You were back at home.

You’re up in heaven
With Angels you fly.
Can I see you
In the cloud filled sky?

So fly free
And fly high.
My darling
Sweetie Pie.

xxxxx

The beach, this afternoon

Your resting place, today.

Your flowers.

Thursday 22nd October

“Love You
Until The Day
After Forever.”

How true are those words for me?

Bing Crosby song. Words by Johnny Burke.

My precious Angel son.
You flew away thirty two weeks ago.
I’ll love you until the day after forever.

xxxx