Tag Archives: scared

Nov5

Waiting, wondering, worrying

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Tuesday 5th November

One week today, and it’ll be all over: the grisly named operation called Groin Dissection.

Right now, the thoughts going round and round in my head are driving me crazy. My imagination knows no bounds, and is my own worst enemy.

“What ifs”, maybes, outcomes, doom and gloom feelings, worrying wobbles.

Not sure what they will find.
Not sure about my recovery, potential infections and swellings.
Not sure how long I’ll be in hospital.
Not sure about the drain in my leg.
Not sure whether that will be the end of all of this.

Hmmmm, all sounds a bit negative.
Time to get my positive head well and truly screwed on tight.
Time for some deep breathing exercises, smiles, happy dreams, relaxed shoulders, sharing of fears ~ realising others have been through this, and come out on the other side, ready to tackle whatever life has to throw at them next.
Life goes on, I will enjoy everything it has to offer!

Oct28

Counselling session #2

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Monday 28th October

Well, here we are again, one week on, is there anything else to talk about?

Actually, yes. Having been given the date for my upcoming surgery, I am both relieved and yet apprehensive. Scared stiff more like. Two weeks today we shall be staying overnight in an hotel, ready to go to the hospital at 7:30am the next morning.

Two weeks of waiting, and then the operation. My head is filled with all sorts of “What ifs?” Hard to explain, but the dark thoughts are there, nonetheless.

So, what am I doing about this state of mind? Trying to stay positive as much as possible; getting lots of fresh air; eating fruit and vegetables; working through some breathing and meditation exercises; taking cinnamon, turmeric, resveratrol and lycopene supplements;  cooking with organic, virgin coconut oil; and a teaspoon of Manuka honey every morning.

I’m hoping all these little things add up to a lot; enough to make a significant difference. I don’t want to be classed as having mild to moderate depression and anxiety. I have to do something about it. I’m not going to get on that downward spiral. I want to live my life.

May10

An appointment with the Macmillan nurse

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Friday 10th May

We drive to our local hospital hoping for answers; but we come away confused and scared.

The results are not yet back from histology for either my back or my foot. The one from my back is being tested again, as it has proven to be inconclusive, and needs a second opinion. The nurse asks if I want her to phone me if she can find out the results. I say I would like to know.

The conversation then turns to looking at possible courses of action. She said the South West is in the forefront of new research, trialling new drugs and managing the disease. She said I would probably have a sentinel lymph node biopsy, to see if anything had spread. By then I think I had switched off, I didn’t want to hear anymore, I just wanted to go home.