Saturday 14th March
We have both been awake since the early hours.
Every now and again a great wave of sadness washes over us.
My heart breaks to think he will never again bound into our room in the morning, and ask “What are we going to do today? Where are we going?”
The doorbell rings at 9:30am, my husband answers it, and is given a huge, colourful bouquet of flowers.
They are from my brother in Chicago.
Right in the middle of the bouquet is a large yellow sunflower.
The previous Saturday, when we had taken my Mum and son out shopping, she had given him five pounds to buy something for himself.
He came back with the Mother’s Day card for me, and a packet of sunflower seeds.
He said he was going to grow the biggest sunflower ever.
Seeing the yellow sunflower in the middle of my brother’s bouquet just made me sob my heart out.
It was as if he was amongst us still.
A little sign to tell us he was still here.
Our younger son calls, and asks us to spend the day with him. We need to get out of the house, just for a little while, and breathe in some fresh air.
We go to his flat first and have tea, then we drive to the beach at Hayle Towans.
It is bright, cold and windy.
My son and his girlfriend have brought the kites they use for kiteboarding.
We have a good time trying to master the art of holding the harness the makes the kite swoop and sail through the air.
There are very few people about. It is quite peaceful.
Every now and again though, our thoughts come back to our elder son.
Tears stream down our faces, and we hold onto each other tightly.
I try to imagine him up there, looking down upon us.
It just seems so wrong that he can’t be playing here on the sand with us.
He would have had a good time.
Laughing and running through the sand.
We pack up and drive to a restaurant for a late lunch.
It is quiet inside, and we sit at a table away from the few customers that are still eating.
We raise our glasses and remember our special little boy.