Tuesday 12th May

This morning I had a one hour, introductory, grief-counselling telephone call. It was an exceptionally draining experience. We spoke of you, your life, your travels, your problems, your struggles, and the joy you brought. I also had to speak of your passing, how I was feeling and answer a range of questions. I am moderately to severely anxious and depressed. Think I knew that, but a base line assessment was needed, with a follow-up call in a week’s time to discuss ways forward.

Next, we speak of you at length with your old primary school teacher on our afternoon walk around the town. Reminiscing about a simpler life nearly twenty years ago.

I talk about you with another lady whose husband is also going through chemotherapy, but was diagnosed too late, and has been given two years. This lady was very understanding of my feelings, but quite distraught for herself. We had a connection through our circumstances, and spoke for over half an hour; we had an empathy with one another, that would not normally have led to such a long conversation.

We spoke about you with a café owner, who remembers your love of the multi-layered rainbow cake that you tried not so long ago. Much was left unspoken, but long, embracing hugs conveyed so much.

Ordering a coffee to sit beside the beach, we chatted with the owner of the surf school. He remembers you, walking across the beach, or sitting on the wall above the lifeguard’s hut: people watching, looking out to sea, smiling, lost in thought. When he’d told us this, and had walked away, we both sobbed into our coffee cups. Someone to whom we hadn’t ever spoken knew you, and had a small insight into your everyday comings and goings. It was lovely he shared that memory with us, but had unknowingly made us so sad.

Our final trip of the day was to drive out to see you and speak with you. We cried a lot at your graveside, having had so many instances where you popped into our thoughts, conversations and memories.

This is hard. I know no-one said it would be easy, but we have so much love for you, missing you is just heart-breaking for us.

Lovely boy. x