Sunday 31st May

Apparently there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They don’t occur on some linear, neat continuum though. All at once, in any order, whenever, wherever. Grief is an individual, unique happening in a person’s life, as they deal with their loss in their own way.

I’m not dealing with it very well. I’m not denying it, nor am I angry. I’m not bargaining with anyone, neither can I accept it really. I am just sad. Depressed I suppose. All the time. Anything can set this feeling off. Whether it’s watching aeroplane vapour trails, hearing a song on the radio, looking at a photograph, or standing beside your graveside.

I am lost without you. For thirty years we looked after you, took care of your every need and fought for you. You and your younger brother were our whole family, and we spent many happy times travelling the world together. Your brother grew up and moved on, but because of your autism, you remained with us. Our holidays were booked for three adults, but you were a child to us. Like a twelve year old, for eighteen more years.

And today I am sad. Crying for you when visiting the cemetery today. It seems so unreal that this has happened (denial). It’s just not fair at all (anger). Why couldn’t it have been me? (bargaining). I’m still crying (depression). I touch your cross, tell you I love you, and we drive away (acceptance). And I’m still so very sad. We had so much planned for you, so many places still to see, so many theme park rides to try, so many more roads to travel.

We loved you so very much, and this is probably why our grief is so immense. It is so heartbreakingly sad to realise you are gone.

Love you forever, angel xxxxx