The five stages of grief

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Sunday 31st May

Apparently there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They don’t occur on some linear, neat continuum though. All at once, in any order, whenever, wherever. Grief is an individual, unique happening in a person’s life, as they deal with their loss in their own way.

I’m not dealing with it very well. I’m not denying it, nor am I angry. I’m not bargaining with anyone, neither can I accept it really. I am just sad. Depressed I suppose. All the time. Anything can set this feeling off. Whether it’s watching aeroplane vapour trails, hearing a song on the radio, looking at a photograph, or standing beside your graveside.

I am lost without you. For thirty years we looked after you, took care of your every need and fought for you. You and your younger brother were our whole family, and we spent many happy times travelling the world together. Your brother grew up and moved on, but because of your autism, you remained with us. Our holidays were booked for three adults, but you were a child to us. Like a twelve year old, for eighteen more years.

And today I am sad. Crying for you when visiting the cemetery today. It seems so unreal that this has happened (denial). It’s just not fair at all (anger). Why couldn’t it have been me? (bargaining). I’m still crying (depression). I touch your cross, tell you I love you, and we drive away (acceptance). And I’m still so very sad. We had so much planned for you, so many places still to see, so many theme park rides to try, so many more roads to travel.

We loved you so very much, and this is probably why our grief is so immense. It is so heartbreakingly sad to realise you are gone.

Love you forever, angel xxxxx

10 responses »

  1. Your memories are precious. Holding on to them can make you feel sad, but what is the alternative? In time, those memories will make you smile. Sure, it’ll be a sad smile, but it will be a smile nonetheless.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post.
      Every day I think things will be a little easier, but something always seems to come along and spark off memories. Good memories mind you. And that’s what makes it hard. We have so many memories, that it’s difficult to accept our son will no longer be here to make new memories.
      x

      Liked by 2 people

  2. How can I hit ‘like’ on this heart wrenching, gut searing, honesty from your heart, that is so sad, it makes my insides churn inside out? I can’t. So please don’t be offended. I don’t ‘like’ this, I hate this, it shouldn’t happen to anyone!! A parent is not supposed to bury their child, and my God, you are one hell of a woman, to keep going when at times, I imagine it feels as though you are being crushed by the world. I send you love, courage and strength as much as I can. Be well angel, he’s not gone. x x

    Liked by 2 people

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