Wednesday 22nd April
Jealousy. A negative emotion with feelings of insecurity, anger and anxiety. Jealousy is not a good trait to possess.
I don’t think of myself as having a jealous personality, or jealous thoughts.
But today I was jealous. And I felt bad.
We had gone for a coffee and as we were leaving we bumped into a young girl who had been on the same oncology ward as my son. She was having chemotherapy for a brain tumour. We spoke a few times in the day room when we were in hospital at the same time.
As we parted and quickly walked away, both my husband and I started sobbing. I said to him “Do you feel as jealous as I do?”. He said he was thinking the exact same thing. Why was she still alive, and our son was not? Why was she able to be walking about, and not our boy? Why did the treatment work for her, and not for our child?
Just for a moment I had some really bad thoughts. Not wishing this girl any ill, but I did feel so negative about life, and so betrayed. The battle we had put him through, the anguish and the hope. All so futile and pointless now.
It’s two weeks since we buried you.
And I just feel cheated. And it’s not fair.