Holding it together

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Friday 18th December

I’m just about holding it together,
But the mask I wear is growing thin.
I knew it was going to be difficult.
This Christmas for families and kin.

It will be our first one without you.
I just wish I could fast-forward
To a time beyond the holidays,
And not feel quite so awkward.

I don’t want to spoil it for others.
I’ll try hard to join in and smile.
But please excuse me if I leave
Just to think about you for a while.

I’ll look sadly at that empty chair,
Then look up to the stars at night.
For that’s where I shall find you,
A twinkling Angel shining bright.

Missing you so much my darling.
It’s hard to believe you’re not here.
When all around us, everywhere,
Is full of the joys of festive cheer.

Love you.
xxxxxx

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37 responses »

  1. Christmas is the hardest because it’s not just a day, it’s a season. A season filled with family memories and now a terrible void. Someone else decorated our house that first Christmas after Jacob’s death because we didn’t have an appetite for it. They thought it would help, and it did but there really wasn’t much joy that year. I would urge you to embrace your grief right now and not worry about ruining the day for others. They will understand and you need to tend to your wounds. Blessings

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I do agree you may just need to be sad. My youngest is a special needs child who is now in his 20s but the very emotional first years were hard for me at the holidays especially and I still deal with depression and anxiety. Medication helps as did short term counseling but some times I still struggle. But I did find therapy to be useful, as well as forcing myself to be active and exercising. I wish you peace… (hugs)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Keep on writing about that feeling of loss that you feel, and, allow yourself to grieve fully and completely, and, during this whole process of experiencing your loss, you may have to go back through the steps, and that’s okay to, and, you will finally, see that bright sunshine, after all of these storm clouds you’re currently living under, and although the pains won’t go away completely, it will, become more bearable, and, one day, when you recall the loved one you’d lost, you will feel no more pain, and, it CAN be done, it just takes a lot of time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Much love to you. It’s very sweet that you don’t want to “ruin” holiday cheer for others but you shouldn’t have to pretend or try to force yourself to be in the spirit. I hope everyone will understand that you can’t just put your grief on hold and you shouldn’t have to. I hope you will do whatever is best for you and allow all your experiences to just be. If other people won’t try to understand, in my opinion, it’s not worth trying to get them to. I’m sending you all my love & compassion and hope you find strength during this very difficult season for you. ❤ ~ Hugs & love~

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh my.
      Thank you for your caring, understanding thoughts.
      I love Christmas, I really do.
      But this year I know it will be a quiet, reflective time.
      Rather muted.
      But I will look back and smile.
      We used to have big family get-togethers, with the boys eyes-wide with excitement on Christmas morning.
      Such a magical time for children.
      And mum’s and dad’s too.
      I know everyone around me will understand my state of mind, this year.
      And yes, I think it is going to be really difficult.
      Thank you again for taking the time to comment.
      x

      Like

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  6. Sorry for your pain. It is so hard to deal with some one who you love who has passed on. I lost my Aunt to Cancer this year and I still think she is going to pick up the phone and tell us- her family in the U.K. that she is on her way to come and stay with us. Sendng you big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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