Monday 22nd June

I came across the poem Butterfly Kisses and loved the words.

When we went to your graveside today, it was gently raining down, covering the flowers with sparkling droplets of water. We spoke with you for a while, despite becoming wet: I would like to think the raindrops on our faces were your butterfly kisses.

Of course we’d love to have the real thing, to have you back, to hold, to kiss, to cuddle. You really were very tactile, and genuinely loved to be loved. How we miss you. We break our hearts every single day because you are no longer around.

Sending lots of butterfly kisses to you, my darling Angel son in heaven xxxxx

Sunday 21st June

You were the reason our family could celebrate Father’s Day in the beginning. Our elder son, born thirty years ago, followed two years later by your brother. Many meals out, cards and presents would be given over your lifetime. You were the reason my husband became ‘Dad’.

I remember one year you sent a card through the post: the envelope simply said ‘Daddy’, followed by our address. I think we still have that somewhere. So sweet, and sent with love.

Today however, was tinged with much sadness, as it is the first Father’s Day without you. Tears were shed this morning, I can tell you. And again when we visited your graveside, sat on the grass, and talked with you for quite some time.

We still can’t quite come to terms with the fact that you’re no longer with us. It just doesn’t seem right at all. Things shouldn’t happen like this. Not in this order. A father should not have to bury his son. It’s not fair.

In the afternoon we wandered down to the beach, where a fancy dress surfing competition was taking place. I’m sure you would have loved to walk about on the sand, listening to the music, and seeing all the weird and wonderful outfits on display. You liked to sit and watch the lifeguards as they patrolled the beach, look at people playing games, or watch the families on holiday having fun.

In the evening we went out for dinner when your brother had finished work. All three of us drank a toast to you, and talked about what you might have chosen from the menu. You should have been there with us, but you were in spirit, and that is important.

We love you and miss you so much.
Dad did especially miss you, on this, his ‘Father’s’ day.

Love you forever.
Sweet dreams my Angel son.
xxxx

Saturday 20th June

One hundred days ago you gained your Angel wings and left us to fly to heaven. The complete unexpectedness of your departure threw us into the depths of despair.

It’s been hard. It’s been really hard to face the world without you. But every morning we try. We have to. For ourselves, for our younger son, and for you. We have so much to remember. So many amazing memories of your thirty years.

Today your Nan and Auntie came to visit with you. The cemetery was so calm and peaceful, with the sun shining down, and your flowers looking colourful and fresh. As the breeze rustled through the tall trees, your Auntie said it sounded as though everyone here was whispering to one another. All friends together, seeking solace.

Nan became a little upset as she touched your simple wooden cross. I do hope you knew she was there. We all loved you so very much, you touched each and every one of our lives with your uniqueness of being.

Fly free, soar so high, and know we will never, ever, forget you.
Never.
You hold such a special place in all our hearts.
And that’s where you are now, safe within our hearts.

Love you forever Angel xxxx

Friday 19th June

99 days of treatment with chemotherapy.

Now 99 days since you passed away.
So 99 mornings have begun the same way.
For 99 days I’ve wiped a tear away.

Love you my darling Angel
Sweet dreams.
Fly free.
xxxx

Thursday 18th June

Thursday. Fourteen weeks ago today. And I still remember everything as if it were yesterday.

Our grief feels so intense, so overwhelming and to us, right now, permanent.
We not only lost our son, but over the years he became our best friend too, our companion.
He was the focus of our lives, with immense emotional investment, and now what is left?
Now we are left with just utter futility and desolation.
All the chemotherapy treatment he had to go through, to be told it was doing its job, everything would turn out fine. It seems so empty now.
Everything we put into bringing up our son, now seems to have been for nothing.
Our daily, weekly, yearly routine has been changed forever.
We have lost future adventures and future hopes.
This is a most devastating loss, the saddest thing we’ve ever had to deal with.
We feel an incredible sense of numbness, the reality of his passing is hitting us hard.

We need a return to a sense of purpose, even though living the rest of our lives without our son seems unthinkable right now.
We just have to learn to cope, a little more, day by day.
We need to take time out. It is difficult for our brain to work when our heart is broken.

Life will not be the same again, it will be different. But it will go on.
And we have to take the memories with us, celebrate the thirty years that we had with our son.
We will continue to think about him every day, visit his grave, and talk with him.
We loved him dearly, and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives.

Night night lovely boy xxxx

Wednesday 17th June

Love you.
To the moon and back.
And all the world.
Love you more.

I really do.
I really did.
And I’ll continue to
Love you forever more.

Seventy cemetery days.
Just to be close.
To give you our love.
To wish. Hope. Dream.

My Angel xxxx

Tuesday 16th June

I just miss you being here.
That is all.

The emptiness is overpowering.
The silence, deafening.

The pain in my heart
Is unbelievable.

My son.
My Angel.

Monday 15th June

For quite some while now we have been pondering over one of your neighbours. You see, their cross is at the ‘other end’ of their grave. We did think it a little strange, even your brother thought it had sinister connotations.

Well, today the mystery has been solved. We struck up a conversation with a couple who had come to tend that grave. The man I spoke with was a vicar, and he explained the reasoning behind the placement of the wooden cross. We were told that the gentleman laid to rest was a priest, (his name was Freddy)

Almost all the bodies in the cemetery lie with their heads to the West, and feet to the East.

However, an ordained member of the clergy is traditionally buried in the opposite orientation. This is so that, on the Day of Judgement, at the Resurrection, they may rise, facing, ready to minister to their people.

So there we have it, nothing sinister at all. You are in good company.

We also learnt from the vicar that the area of the cemetery where you are, has been blessed by a Bishop, so that it is consecrated ground. Over the roadway, where many more graves are located, is the unconsecrated ground. I think you would have been pleased to be in the ‘posh’ place. You certainly did like your posh travels, upper class hotels, and first rate service on holidays.

The vicar wanted to know all about you, and your life. He was genuinely interested in all you had accomplished, your education, your travels, your hobbies.

I told the vicar that we visit you every day, sometimes just to be near you, or to talk with you. He told me that you would know we were close by, and that you could hear us. Your spirit is with us forever.

I felt comforted by the chat I had today with the vicar. He said whenever he visited Freddy, he would take the time to say ‘Hello’ to you as well.

Sweet dreams my darling Angel son.
xxxx

Sunday 14th June

Late morning we drive over to collect my mum from the care home, take her to lunch and do a bit of shopping, meeting up with my sister, too.

As it is a warm, sunny day, we then go on to have afternoon tea at a lovely sculpture garden. My mum enjoys being outdoors, but her back is paining her, and she walks slowly, stooped, with a stick. There are many weird and wonderful plants on show, the succulents and cacti are really fascinating.

Late afternoon and we come to the cemetery to visit you. You would have enjoyed today, seeing your Nan and Auntie, and being out in the fresh air. You would have wandered all over the place, exploring the woodland paths.

We miss you so very much.
Every day.
Every waking moment.
Even whilst asleep.
In our dreams.
We miss you.

We talk about you all the time, as if somehow you are enjoying the same things that we do. As if you are walking beside us all the time.
You are in our hearts, in our minds, in our souls. Your spirit is with us always.

And yet.
Because we cannot see you, nor touch you.
We just miss you.

We love you so very much xxx

Saturday 13th June

Lost. That’s the only way to describe how I’m feeling right now. My life is lost without you; it has no real purpose at the moment.

We did spend time this morning at your graveside, changing all the flowers, brightening up a dull and grey day. At least two aeroplanes could be heard overhead, and we imagined you on-board, off on a sunny, fun holiday. We couldn’t see the planes today though, as the clouds were thick and heavy with misty rain. We talk awhile, and mention the dream that your brother’s girlfriend had, about seeing you. I so wish we could see you know, and hear you laugh and listen to your voice.

I go to close your bedroom curtains tonight, as I always do, and stop a while to look at your bed: the Care Bears and dolphin lying on the pillows and duvet, and I realise you’ll never snuggle there again.

And it makes me so sad. And lost.
Where do we go from here?
How are we to find our way out of this awful situation?

We are lost without you.
We love you forever.
Sweet Angel child xxxx