Thursday 17th November
It really doesn’t get any easier at all
I miss you……
I know there are happy times to recall
But……
Sometimes all I want to do is bawl
I love you…….
And I tell you this every nightfall
It’s Thursday……
Eighty eight weeks since I heard you call
“Love you mum”……
My Angel
Sleep tight sweetheart
xxxxxx
Wednesday 16th November
I know you’re in the arms of angels
But how I wish I could hold you tight
I’d wrap my arms gently around you
Say “I love you” as I kiss you goodnight
(Every single day
I wake up knowing
You’re not there
I miss you so much)
My darling Angel son.
xxxxxx
Tuesday 15th November
An early morning wake-up, followed by a two hundred mile round-trip for my month thirty six check-up. I have Stage 3 Metastatic Malignant Melanoma, and am on a clinical trial called Combi-Ad for the adjuvant treatment of this type of melanoma.
A mole on my left foot, the Alien Blob, was removed in May 2013, but found to be cancerous. Following more surgery, a skin graft, then lymph node removal, I signed up to a double-blind trial, confident that I was doing something positive, regarding my health, but also grateful for the very close monitoring that this would entail.
Today I had a full body check with the dermatologist ~ all seems good, and she was happy there were no new ‘trouble spots’.
Then it was a drive to the second hospital where I met with my trials nurse, who didn’t need any blood today, but did check weight, temperature, pulse, blood pressure (a bit too high), oxygen saturation.
We sat around for a while; I drank 500mls of the obligatory water, waiting for my CT scan, and although slightly uncomfortable, the procedure was over in less than ten minutes.
The final appointment of the day was with the oncologist, skin cancer nurse and my trials nurse. So, stripping off for the third time today, I was given another full body check, questions asked, stethoscope used, and told it would probably take two weeks for the scan results to be reported.
Waiting, waiting, waiting. Scanxiety. Not good. Crossing fingers, and all that……
Anyway, just before we arrived home, we hoped to drive in and see you. We honestly didn’t think the gates would be open, as they are usually closed at dusk. It was now dark, damp and misty, but amazingly, the heavy iron gates were still wide open.
So very quiet and peaceful, and although pitch black in a graveyard, we felt close to you; it felt right, and we told you all about our day.
Love you so much sweetheart.
Wish you were here to talk to.
Moon and back, my darling.
xxxxxx
Monday 14th November
Does my love reach heaven?
I really hope you know
How much I’m thinking of you
How I love and miss you so.
As I look up to the super moon
And see all the twinkling stars
I remember all the times we had
And the special love that was ours.
Then each time I look skywards
I truly hope you feel my love
Sent to you with a grieving heart
As you look down from above.
Sweetheart Angel son
xxxxxx
Sunday 13th November
Sprinkle the night sky with stars
The brightest one is where you are.
Paint the ground with golden leaves
Easing pain as I continue to grieve.
Spray the grass with glistening dew
Like walking on diamonds close to you.
Scatter the sea with twinkling sunshine
Make me smile, dearest son of mine.
Love you sweetheart
My Starman Angel
xxxxxx
Porthmeor this afternoon
High tide in the harbour
Saturday 12th November
Love you
Missing you
Thinking of you
Dreaming about you
Protecting your memory
Holding on to your smile
Remembering you every day
Holding you close to my heart
Today, tomorrow, forever, always.
My dearest, darling Angel
My bright, shining star
xxxxxx
Friday 11th November
Leonard Cohen ~ Rest in Peace
“Hey, That’s No Way To Say Goodbye”
I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but now it’s come to distances and both of us must try,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.
I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.
I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.
This is one of my favourite tracks, from the album “Songs of Leonard Cohen” released in 1967, which I have on vinyl.
I love the line:
“You know my love goes with you
As your love stays with me”
It reminds me of you, so very much.
On this day, two years ago, you had your first surgery, a biopsy on your testicle, to check out a suspicious lump.
How I wish I could turn back the clock, fight for better, swifter treatment and demand scans sooner…..
Hindsight…..
If only…..
What if…..
I wish…..
I love you so much, my darling.
We stood beside you at 11:00 this morning, reflecting, remembering, sobbing.
My Angel son.
xxxxxx
Dressed in your hospital gown, awaiting surgery. Smaller pictures show after surgery, and the sunset driving home xx
As we walked away, a little after 11:00, there were suddenly a myriad of kisses in the sky
Was that you, my sweetie?
Blowing kisses from heaven?
Thursday 10th November
A wave from my Angel
Means so much
But hurts so bad
You were so happy
I must remember that
But I still feel sad
A smiling, happy face
On many photographs
Of great times we had
Protecting your memory
Is what I now do
And the life we had
Looking up at me
As I look down on you
Love you so much, my lad
xxxxxx
Universal Studios, Orlando, August 2011
A wave from my Angel
Wednesday 9th November
Waking up every morning
To the fact that you’re not here
Every. Single. Morning.
The pain will never disappear.
Nothing will ever change
You’re just not coming back
Every. Single. Morning.
Emptiness is my soundtrack.
I love you so very much
At your photograph I smile
Every. Single. Morning.
Stopping to reflect awhile.
I wonder over the unsaid words
What you might have become
Every. Single. Morning.
I miss you, my darling son.
xxxxxx
Tuesday 8th November
You were five years old in 1990 when you began primary school in Australia; quite a difficult time, you did take a while to settle and feel comfortable in these new surroundings. You began with morning only sessions, and I would come and pick you up at lunchtime, then after a few months, you stayed at school all day, taking part in every activity.
Even in primary school, a foreign language was introduced, and as Japan was one of Australia’s largest trading partners, a rich cultural exchange existed within education. You loved nonsense sounds, and to you, the Japanese spoken word sounded funny and amusing.
Miss Fujiwara was your Japanese teacher, and you loved lessons with her. There was also a little girl in class called Nanako, from Japan too, who was quite shy and awkward, a little like you.
One of your tasks during the term was to learn the words of ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’, in Japanese. You were quite good at this, and learnt the rhyme off by heart.
Kira kira hikaru
きらきらひかる
Kira kira hikaru
おそらのほしよ
Osora no hoshi yo
まばたきしては
Mabataki shitewa
みんなをみてる
Minna o miteru
きらきらひかる
Kira kira hikaru
おそらのほしよ
Osora no hoshi yo
And you are my bright and twinkling star, up there beyond the clouds, close to the moon, flying gracefully with your Angel wings.
Such a sweet and innocent nursery rhyme that brings back memories of happy, family times. Watching you and your brother growing up, learning the ways of the world, making friends, having fun in a foreign, but oh so friendly country.
Fly high my Starman
Love you forever
Always have
Always will.
xxxxxx
The Journey of My Left Foot (whilst remembering my son) 