Category Archives: Grief

Aug6

On our way to Wales

Posted on August 6, 2015 by MeRaw

Thursday 6th August

We came to see you first thing this morning, and placed new flowers in the vases. The sunflowers are still going strong, looking amazing, so I left those with you.

We are on our way to Wales, to climb Mount Snowdon in your memory, with a large group of people ~ survivors and family members ~ for the annual testicular cancer trek. Me, Dad and my sister will reach the summit, whatever it takes.

We have you in our hearts, as always.
I also have your photograph, a large banner, t-shirts with your name, flags, and a soft toy dolphin that used to lie on your bed.

Two years ago today we were down in Islamorada, and had lunch at Robbie’s Marina. My brother and his wife came to stay for a few days, so we visited as many places as possible altogether. The fish tacos at Robbie’s are the best.

Frank at Robbie's Marina

We had spent the morning at Bahia Honda State Park, swimming and walking around. I remember the beautiful butterflies and the green and black iguanas. You had fun chasing them, and then had a good time playing in the sea with Dad.

Last year, on this day we were at Aquatica and you had such a wonderful time. Ihu’s Breakaway Falls had just opened as a new ride, and you just had to try it out ~ three times, one go after another. We swam in the surf pool, had fun on the family tube ride, and spent ages on the river rapids.

Aquatica August 2014

August was always a time for family fun, holidays and adventures. So many happy memories.

We will take you with us, wherever we go, for as long as we can.

Love you forever my sweetheart.
Dearest Angel son.
xxxx

Aug5

Nan’s birthday

Posted on August 5, 2015 by MeRaw

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Wednesday 5th August

Today was Nan’s birthday, although for the past twenty or so years, we would not be with her, but off on our holidays. We would normally be on a beach or in a theme park. In fact, in 2012 we had gone to Ocala to the Don Garlits Museum of Drag Racing and then Silver Springs. I think you preferred the alligators to the cars.

Normally we would have a little get-together before we flew away to exchange cards and gifts. This year we celebrated with her, but without you. It was a birthday tinged with sadness. You were her first grandchild, and she loved you dearly and misses you so much.

I know you would have given her a big hug and a kiss, and wished her many happy returns.

We miss you.
Such a lot.
We love you to infinity and beyond.
Our darling son.
xxxx

Aug4

Another butterfly

Posted on August 4, 2015 by MeRaw

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Tuesday 4th August

A different butterfly flew down to your flowers today when we came to your graveside.
You again?
Letting us know that you are still with us?
I would love to think so.

“They whom we love and lose
Are no longer where they were before.
They are now……
Wherever we are.”

How true are those words?
You are now with us, forever, wherever we happen to be.
You’re in our hearts, always in our thoughts, all around us, all the time.

Missing you so much.
Love you my StarMan.
Angel kisses xxxxx

Aug3

If Heaven wasn’t so far away

Posted on August 3, 2015 by MeRaw

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Monday 3rd August

We know you’d be with us today
If Heaven wasn’t so far away.

But you are forever in my heart
Although we are so far apart.

Missing you my Angel.
Thinking of you always.

Sending kisses to Heaven.
And lots of huggles too.
xxxxx

Aug2

Sunshine Angel

Posted on August 2, 2015 by MeRaw

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Sunday 2nd August

No more cold nights for you my lovely.
No more grey days my darling.
You’ll always be in sunshine my Angel.

Missing you so much,
My bright and shining Angel.
Love you forever,
My little ray of sunshine.
xxxx

Aug1

August

Posted on August 1, 2015 by MeRaw

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Saturday 1st August

August, and we’d normally be somewhere between South Carolina and Florida by now. Or in earlier years, sailing around Tobago, Bermuda or the Virgin Islands. For the last twenty years we have been somewhere other than here at home.

You so looked forward to our summer vacations, at first with your brother, and then for the last ten years or so, with just Dad and me.

Here you are, on August 1st, three years ago in Myrtle Beach. Just chillin’ by the fountain at Market Commons ~ it was a hot afternoon.

We are having a hard time adjusting to the reality that our holidays from now on, are going to be without you. All our planning and consideration was done with you in mind. With Asperger’s you did like your routine, you didn’t really enjoy noisy, crowded places, and always wanted to know what the plan or itinerary entailed. “What are we doing today?”, “Where are we going tomorrow?”, “It’s twelve thirty, I need my lunch!”, “When we get to Orlando, where shall we go first of all?”, “It’s nine thirty I need my beauty sleep”……

We used to arrive at the theme parks about half an hour before opening, to park, to queue through the bag-checks, and then you’d make your own way to your favourite rides, to try and beat the long lines of waiting people. You had so much fun, and it was a joy to see your face as you came out of the ride’s exit with the biggest grin. By midday it was great to sit somewhere in air-conditioned comfort, have a bite to eat and a cold drink. Then, if you wanted, you’d do another round of the park, picking and choosing where to go next. If the place became too crowded, we’d leave and perhaps drive to have a meander around a cool shopping mall, then back to our villa for dinner, bath and bed.

Simple, family life. No worries, no hassles, no problems. Just fun, relaxation, laughter and love.

We’re sure going to miss those times with you.

Now you’re on your heavenly vacation, my little starman.
Love you sweet Angel xxxx

Jul31

Butterfly

Posted on July 31, 2015 by MeRaw

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Friday 31st July

We both felt a little sad today, at different times, with various small things sparking off a few tears. I know this is going to keep happening for a long time, but the suddenness of the occurrence catches you off guard.

A thought, a sound, a smell, a date in the calendar. Photographs, your toys, books, clothes, even food, all hold pieces of significance and so many, many special memories. And it doesn’t take much for the tears to begin to fall.

As I walked up to your graveside this morning, I noticed a large red admiral butterfly had alighted on your flowers.
It stayed there for quite some time.
Was that a sign from you?
I would dearly like to think so.
The butterfly looked really delicate and beautiful, and it did make me smile.

Sending you butterfly kisses.
Love you my Angel xxxx

Jul30

Your flowers

Posted on July 30, 2015 by MeRaw

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Thursday 30th July

Returning from our afternoon walk I saw there was a parcel left beside the back door. This is what I had been waiting for……

You and Dad’s mum had got together over the telephone and arranged a bouquet of flowers to be sent to me on Mother’s Day. (They arrived on the Saturday, as no actual deliveries were made on Sundays).
They arrived two days after you fell asleep.
Two days after you gained your angel wings.
So beautiful.
So heartbreaking.
The last thing you ever did for me.

I can’t remember who it was, but someone suggested I have the flowers preserved, so I could always treasure and keep forever, your final act of kindness and thoughtfulness.

Today those flowers came back to me, preserved in a memory box, behind glass, arranged in a beautiful little posy.

Flowers preserved from Frank's Mother's Day bouquet

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The flowers have somehow been preserved, not pressed, to look as fresh and natural as when they arrived; in their full three-dimensional glory. A truly precious memento that I will cherish forever.

It’s twenty weeks this evening since you flew up to heaven and my heart broke in two. It doesn’t seem to get any easier. We are missing you so very much.

And yet today, although opening the parcel containing the preserved flowers was a very bittersweet moment, I did smile a little, thinking about what you had done for me, and the fact I could always look upon those flowers and think of you.

My dear beloved child.
Sweet dreams my Angel.
xxxx

Jul29

Heaven in our home

Posted on July 29, 2015 by MeRaw

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Wednesday 29th July

The sunflowers on your place of rest are looking beautiful today, facing the sun, so bright and colourful, holding their heads up tall and strong.

The sunflower seeds you bought, that Dad planted in the garden, have grown to almost five feet tall. The flower heads are just forming and should be ready to bloom in a few weeks.

It was your aim to grow the biggest sunflower ever. That’s why you bought the seeds with pocket money Nan gave you. I wish you were here now to see your plants growing. They’ll probably end up being taller than you.

You were our little ray of sunshine.
And now you’re up there in Heaven.
But there’s still a little bit of Heaven in our home, in our garden, in our hearts and in our lives.

And I miss you.

Love you my darling Angel.
xxxx

Jul28

Every so often

Posted on July 28, 2015 by MeRaw

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Tuesday 28th July

“Every so often your loved ones will open the door from Heaven, and visit you in a Dream.
Just to say “Hello” and to remind you they are still with you, just in a different way….”

Yes, every so often I do feel your presence beside me. I know you’re there holding out your hand for me, so that we can walk along together.

The harbour front was bustling today with families on the beach, walking on the pavements and in the middle of the road, sitting outside the cafés, motoring about the bay in boats, or trying to slowly drive along avoiding the meandering throngs.

I’m not sure you would have enjoyed being here, out and about today. There were just so many people, and you didn’t really like crowds. By now we would had been in South Carolina meeting up with old friends, and getting used to a more relaxed time.

This will be our first summer for about twenty years that we are staying at home and not flying to America. You see, you are no longer with us, and we can’t face having our ‘normal’ vacation without you.

Someday that will change, and we will retrace our steps and revisit places we went to with you. We will also create new journeys. Someday. But not yet awhile. Not yet.

Missing you so very much today.
Love you forever precious Angel.
xxxxx