Sunday 26th July

“Sometimes
Memories
Sneak
out of my
Eyes
and
Roll
down my
Cheeks”

What an excellent metaphor.
This does happen to me quite a lot.

I think of you, remember something about you, I see a picture, or hear a sound that reminds me of you, and tears stream down my face. I can’t stop them. You meant so much.

For thirty years we had such fun together: we saw the world, watched you as you grew up, tried to look after you, and gave you everything we could. Even though you had Asperger’s, you were always enjoying life to the full. All sorts of experiences, encounters and adventures. And in return, you could be so loving, caring and thoughtful. You had a great sense of humour, a terrific knowledge of trivia and strong sense of justice.

You are always so close to me, and yet now so far away.

We just miss you so very much.
Love you forever.
My Angel xxxx

Saturday 25th July

Following a number of days of grey, wet and very windy weather, today was much better. Clear blue skies, warm sun, and only a light breeze: I’m sure the many tourists were thankful as they made their way to the beaches, loaded down with towels, windbreaks, buckets and spades, and surfboards. This is what summer at the seaside is all about. A day playing on the sand and swimming in the sea, eating ice cream and using sunscreen.

We spend about an hour at your graveside, renewing the flowers, clipping the grass, whilst talking to you all the time. No, it’s not strange, it’s what we do. We’ve always looked after you, and we will continue to do so. Sunflowers, roses, carnations, gladioli, chrysanthemums and petunias, all looking beautiful in the sunshine.

We take a walk around the crowded harbour in the afternoon and watch the regatta of small yachts in the bay. It really is quite picturesque. Amazing what sunny weather can do to a place.

In years past, we would now be on our summer vacation in America. Travelling with you down the east coast to Orlando and beyond. Five weeks, and three thousand miles in our hire car. Such happy, happy days, with fabulous memories. We’re giving it a miss this summer: we are not yet ready to revisit places where we went with you. We will go back there. But not yet.

Thinking of you so much today.
Sweet, precious boy.
My darling Angel son.
xxxx

Friday 24th July

“If there ever comes a day
when we can’t be together,
keep me in your heart,
I’ll stay there forever.”

And you are in my heart, in my thoughts, in my mind, constantly. And there you will now remain.

Missing you so much, today and every day.
Precious Angel xxx

Thursday 23rd July

“Since you’ve been gone, I talk to you when I feel the need to…. I share my hopes and my thoughts with you…. To me, you are just as real now as you were when I could see you…. Yes, you are my angel.”

Nineteen Thursdays ago you fell asleep in our bed, and did not wake up again.
Although I tried my hardest to save you, you went to heaven as I held you.
You gained your Angel wings so very unexpectedly, and flew away.
Since that day, there has not been a moment that I haven’t thought of you.
You meant so much to so many, but to us, you were everything.
We love you to the moon and back, and every waking moment we miss you.

Take flight my Angel.
Sending kisses to you.
xxx

Wednesday 22nd July

“I loved you your entire life and
I will miss you the rest of mine.

You will forever be my always
Forever young.”

Fifteen weeks ago today we laid you to rest.
Daily we have come to your graveside.
You will always be our thirty year old son.

Sweet child.
Lovely boy.
Darling Angel.
xxxx

The harbour today at low tide.

Monday 20th July

What a mizzley old morning. Heavy, sparkling mist and fine, soaking drizzle combine to create Cornish mizzle. It seems to be blowing horizontally as we leave the house depositing water droplets on your face, clothes and hair. It’s not cold though, just grey and grotty.

We don’t see anyone else in the cemetery, probably because of the miserable weather. But the mizzle is giving the grass a good soaking, and keeping all the flowers and leaves well-watered.

By the afternoon we are ready for our walk, and the sun is coming out. So are the hordes of tourists; they seem to be everywhere. But it is good for the town, to see the place so busy.

We chat awhile with an old sea-faring, children’s bookwriter. He is enjoying sitting on the wall in the sunshine, watching the world go by. Perhaps he is getting ideas for his next book about his own world travels as a grandfather. Previously he has written about the adventures of a teddy bear from the town.

I think we will take the soft toy dolphin, that is lying on your bed, on our own travels. Perhaps I will write stories of it’s exploits too. Frank the Dolphin’s Excellent Expedition.

Sleep tight my precious Angel.
Love you so very much.
xxx

Sunday 19th July

Is it peculiar or a little weird to make daily visits to a cemetery? Are we being odd or a little crazy? Do we keep prolonging our grief?

No, the answer, from me, is no to all of the above. We come to your graveside because we love you, and we need to tell you every day. We want to be close to your spirit, to let you know you aren’t alone.

We find it hard to absorb the reality that you are no longer with us. We are having to adjust our souls, not to carry on without you, but to carry you within us, forevermore.

This afternoon it was so peaceful there. Only joyful birdsong could be heard. A squirrel ran up the trunk of a large pine tree, and a collarless black cat sauntered past.

I will think of you in my sleepless solitude tonight, as I do every night. You are in my heart and mind always.

We miss you.
We’re here for you.
We love you.

Angel son xxxx

Saturday 18th July

We’ve just returned from a leisurely stroll around the harbour and the beach. So many holidaymakers wandering around eating ice creams or fish and chips ~ the seagulls are having a great time swooping down and stealing food.

By the time we get to the surfing beach it is high tide and the sun is about to fall beneath a large bank of cloud. It’s still warm though, and many people are sitting on the sand, even though it’s almost 9pm. The smell from many barbecues fills the air, as families tuck into their alfresco meals.

We are then treated to a wonderful display of dolphins jumping and twisting out of the water. You would have loved watching them. A little further on, and we see a seal swimming not too far from the shore. There is much pointing and oohs and aahs from those on the beach. Perhaps a once in a lifetime sighting for those inner-city dwellers ~ we are so fortunate to live where we do.

As the sun was going down, there was a little prism of rainbow colours to the east of the sun. It reminded me of a few lines in a poem:

“Time for me to leave you
I won’t say goodbye.
Look for me in rainbows
High up in the sky.

In the evening sunset
When all the world is through,
Just look for me and love me
And I’ll be close to you.”

Was that a little sign that you were close by this evening?
Rainbows and dolphins?
Who knows?

Sleep tight my precious little Angel
We love you so very much.
xxxxx