Tuesday 23rd June
Speaking with my melanoma trials nurse this morning, I can report that I am NED ~ no evidence of disease. This follows a large battery of tests that were performed two weeks ago. That should be a good thing, right? No metastasis of the cancer. Everything looks normal, with no change to any internal organs.
I should feel over the moon, happy at least, or a huge relief. No cancer in my body. Hip hop hooray.
On the one hand, yes, of course I do, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. For another three months at least, when I go back, and the scanxiety begins all over again.
I’m trying hard not be negative here. But it’s difficult.
Because on the other hand, I do feel “Yeah, so what?”, shrugs shoulders, curls lip. “Whatever”.
You see, melanoma is a sneaky disease, it can lay quiet for months, even years, before unexpectedly exploding back on the scene. It’s not just a case of cut it out, it’s gone, you’re good to go.
I already know that the cancerous cells spread from the mole on my toe, through my lymphatic system, up to the nodes at the top of my leg. This follows a number of surgeries and a skin graft. Despite being told the nodes were encapsulated, there is always that niggling bit of doubt, quietly knocking on the door, at the back of my mind. It’s a bit of a deadly lottery really.
No, melanoma needs much vigilance: perhaps a change in diet and lifestyle, sun awareness and proper sunscreen use. And very careful monitoring of your skin.
So yes, I am feeling positive that I am NED, but I won’t let my guard down. Gone are the days of beach tanning to a leathery brown, my diet now contains lots of fruit and vegetables, and I try to exercise daily by walking, despite the lymphoedema in my leg. Oh, and I use sunscreen every day, too.
(Thinking of my darling boy in heaven, whose cancer was diagnosed too late.
I so wish things had been different.
Love you, love you, love you xxxxx)