Friday 20th November

“Sometimes the smallest things
Take up the most room in your heart.”
                       ~ winnie the pooh ~

Your uncle gave you a wonderful copy of Winnie the Pooh, soon after you were born, and you used to love hearing the stories. I read to you and your brother every bedtime for years, taking it in turns whose bed to sit upon, and which book to read.

Winnie the Pooh books provide so many inspiring and endearing quotes, words of wisdom and joy, but the one above, caught my eye today.

There are so, so many little things about you, that I miss so very much.

I have again been reading through cards that were sent to us when you passed away.

“We are so sad and shocked.
He was a much-loved son and brother who will be missed by so many people. We have known him since he was a baby, and have very fond memories of him.
You have been loving and caring parents, and have given him some wonderful travelling experiences in his short life.
Hopefully in time you will be able to look back at those times and find some peace of mind, and think of all the small things, and big things, you have done as a family.”

Small things and big things.

Yes, we have had many big adventures together, travelling the world.

But the little things about you…..

Like when we had finished our cup of tea, you would march into the room, pick it up, and deposit said cup loudly in the kitchen sink.

Or after Dad had had a bath, and left his towel over the bottom of the stairs, you would return it to the bathroom for him.

Or when you would insist that lunch is at twelve thirty and tea-time at six. And goodness me, if we weren’t in bed before ten thirty, then you’d want to know why.

If we went out shopping, you’d go off on your own, meeting up for lunch at a specified place, at a pre-determined time ~ even though you couldn’t tell the time, you could gauge the passing of time. And you were always spot on. We never knew how you did that.

Your shoes would always be placed neatly at the back door as soon as you came in. You didn’t have to be asked.

When you got up in the mornings, you would make yourself breakfast, and before you came back upstairs I had to have laid your clothing out for the day, and put toothpaste on your toothbrush.

Having Asperger Syndrome meant you liked to stick to a comfortable, safe routine.
And we too had that routine in our lives.
Your behaviour could be challenging and demanding, but you responded to fairness and reason (most of the time).

For thirty years we knew where we were, where we were going, and the consequences if the routine was side-stepped, for whatever reason.

And now…..?
We miss that routine that you imposed on our lives.
We miss your intense physical and emotional impact and presence.

All the little things.

The smallest things that were so important to you.

And yes, they do take up the most room in your heart.

We
Miss
You.

Love you Angel xxxx

Wednesday 18th November

“Our lives go on without you
But nothing is the same.”

………………

We are here, and you are there.
Nothing will ever be the same.
There is no longer an answer,
When I call out your name.

You are there, and we are here.
Nothing is as it was before.
There’s complete silence,
When I gently close the door.

We are here, and you are there.
Nothing is how we want it to be.
We’d rather you were with us,
But must accept you’re flying free.

You are there, and we are here.
Nothing is right anymore.
You’re not coming back
We know that’s for sure.

Our lives do go on without you,
We have absolutely no choice.
We are here, and you are there,
In your memories, we’ll rejoice.

Lovely boy.
Sweetie Pie.
Angel son.
Flying high.

xxxxx

Sunday 15th November

You are my Starman.
Fly high sweet Angel.

The theme music from the film Starman always reminds me of you.
It is so uplifting, other-worldly, and epic in it’s powerful production.
I love it, and could listen to it over, and over again.

And I look at the picture of you, at Islamorada in the Florida Keys, and remember happier times.

(Music composed by Jack Nitzsche, film directed by John Carpenter.)

Missing you so much.
Love you forever.
Angel son.
xxxxx

Saturday 14th November

“As I sit here and whisper,
‘I miss you’
I believe somehow
You can still hear me.”
……………

I talk to you,
Every moment I can,
I ask how you’re doing,
My sweet, little man.

I whisper your name,
In the dark of the night,
Listening for you,
As the stars take flight.

If you could hear me,
I know you would say,
Nighty night, mum,
At the end of the day.

Love you, my poppet,
I’m telling you this,
To my darling Angel,
I’m sending a kiss.

xxxxx

Friday 13th November

   “A luminous light
            remains
Where a beautiful soul
        has passed”

Today whilst walking around the harbour in the late afternoon, there certainly was a special glow to the sky, reflecting on the sea.

13 November 2015

A luminous light?
Perhaps.
Were you walking along with us?
Maybe.
How did I know you were there?
A kiss.

A kiss from heaven. 13.11.15

A spectacular kiss was formed in the sky above the harbour, that followed us all the way home.

And I know it was you.

Love you forever my sweetheart.
Dearest Angel son.
A beautiful soul.
Blowing kisses to you in heaven.
xxxxx

Wednesday 11th November

A year ago, on this date, you had surgery.
A biopsy of a lump on your testicle.

Our lives were normal one minute, and then in a split second, everything changed.
It hits you like a brick wall.
Right, smack between the eyes.
It stops you in your tracks.
It takes the wind out of your sails. And you flounder.
It takes your breath away. And you struggle to breathe, to function, to be.

And then you’re catapulted onto another out-of-control rollercoaster, and you’ll never be allowed to get off. Not. Ever.

Everything you thought you had, becomes fragile and vulnerable.
All your hopes, dreams and plans are put on hold.
Or they quite simply just fade away, because they’re no longer possible to attain.

Reassess.
Regroup.
Rethink.
Rearrange.

I had lost my father to pancreatic cancer in 2009.
I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma in 2013.

Not again.
Not our family.
Not you.
Not you.
Not you.

My dear, sweet, innocent boy.

Love you to the moon and back and all the world and round the planets and back again.

I miss you.

My Angel xxxx