Monthly Archives: November 2016

Nov20

Fortune Centre

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Sunday 20th November
  

Today we attended the Ruby Anniversary of the Fortune Centre of Riding Therapy (located in the New Forest); celebrating forty years of educating young people, for whom life has proved a challenge. Our son Frank attended in 2001, on a three year Further Education Through Horsemanship course.

Life skills are taught with the interaction of horses: whether grooming, keeping a tidy stable, measuring feed and weighing hay nets, exercise, or discipline. Numeracy, literary, and social skills, and the ability to achieve success, where this had previously been lacking, brought such a change to Frank’s life.

Frank had an amazing time at FCRT, where living, caring for and working with the horses improved his social skills, his confidence and of course, his horse riding. 

We were welcomed by the director, who remembered Frank so fondly, and when we all moved outdoors for the dedication of a Founder’s Garden, she spoke affectionately about our son, bringing tears to my eyes. Frank really made an impression on everyone he met.

We love you, my darling.

Miss you so very much.

Our heavenly horseman in heaven.

xxxxxx

  

http://www.fortunecentre.org/home/

‘Fortune’ the original pony, after whom the centre was named

Meeting with Martin Clunes, one of the patrons of the Fortune Centre

William, one of the horses at FCRT, with a beautiful temperament

The splendid colours of the New Forest

My new pal, Doc Martin. (I do look quite surprised)

Nov19

Hold my hand

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Saturday 19th November
  

Hold my hand

Never let go

I’ll always tell you

I love you so.

   

Hold on to me

Stay by my side

I’m always here

Arms open wide.

  

I’ll hold onto you

Tucked in my heart

So safe you’ll be

We’re never apart.

  

Love you My Angel

Forever and always

Dearest darling son

Hold on to those days.
 

xxxxxx

  

Nov18

All the time

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Friday 18th November
  

Thinking of you, my Angel

Always

All the time

Tomorrow I’ll think about you more.

Missing you, my Angel

Always

All the time

Tomorrow I’ll miss you more.

Loving you, my Angel

Always

All the time

Tomorrow I’ll love you more.

  

Dearest darling Angel son

Now you’ll be forever young.

xxxxxx

Nov17

Eighty eight weeks

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Thursday 17th November
  

It really doesn’t get any easier at all

I miss you……

I know there are happy times to recall

But……

Sometimes all I want to do is bawl

I love you…….

And I tell you this every nightfall

It’s Thursday……

Eighty eight weeks since I heard you call

“Love you mum”……  

  

My Angel

Sleep tight sweetheart

xxxxxx

Nov16

Arms of angels

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Wednesday 16th November
   

I know you’re in the arms of angels

But how I wish I could hold you tight

I’d wrap my arms gently around you

Say “I love you” as I kiss you goodnight

   

(Every single day

I wake up knowing

You’re not there

I miss you so much)

  

My darling Angel son.

xxxxxx

Nov15

Month thirty six

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Tuesday 15th November
  

An early morning wake-up, followed by a two hundred mile round-trip for my month thirty six check-up. I have Stage 3 Metastatic Malignant Melanoma, and am on a clinical trial called Combi-Ad for the adjuvant treatment of this type of melanoma. 

A mole on my left foot, the Alien Blob, was removed in May 2013, but found to be cancerous. Following more surgery, a skin graft, then lymph node removal, I signed up to a double-blind trial, confident that I was doing something positive, regarding my health, but also grateful for the very close monitoring that this would entail.

Today I had a full body check with the dermatologist ~ all seems good, and she was happy there were no new ‘trouble spots’.

Then it was a drive to the second hospital where I met with my trials nurse, who didn’t need any blood today, but did check weight, temperature, pulse, blood pressure (a bit too high), oxygen saturation.

We sat around for a while; I drank 500mls of the obligatory water, waiting for my CT scan, and although slightly uncomfortable, the procedure was over in less than ten minutes.

The final appointment of the day was with the oncologist, skin cancer nurse and my trials nurse. So, stripping off for the third time today, I was given another full body check, questions asked, stethoscope used, and told it would probably take two weeks for the scan results to be reported. 

Waiting, waiting, waiting. Scanxiety. Not good. Crossing fingers, and all that……

Anyway, just before we arrived home, we hoped to drive in and see you. We honestly didn’t think the gates would be open, as they are usually closed at dusk. It was now dark, damp and misty, but amazingly, the heavy iron gates were still wide open.

So very quiet and peaceful, and although pitch black in a graveyard, we felt close to you; it felt right, and we told you all about our day.

Love you so much sweetheart.

Wish you were here to talk to.

Moon and back, my darling.

xxxxxx

Nov14

Does my love reach heaven?

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Monday 14th November
  

Does my love reach heaven?

I really hope you know

How much I’m thinking of you

How I love and miss you so.

  

As I look up to the super moon

And see all the twinkling stars

I remember all the times we had

And the special love that was ours.

  

Then each time I look skywards 

I truly hope you feel my love

Sent to you with a grieving heart

As you look down from above.

  

Sweetheart Angel son

xxxxxx

Nov13

Make me smile

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Sunday 13th November
   

Sprinkle the night sky with stars

The brightest one is where you are.

Paint the ground with golden leaves

Easing pain as I continue to grieve.

Spray the grass with glistening dew

Like walking on diamonds close to you.

Scatter the sea with twinkling sunshine

Make me smile, dearest son of mine.

  

Love you sweetheart

My Starman Angel 

xxxxxx

Porthmeor this afternoon

High tide in the harbour

Nov12

Today, tomorrow, forever, always

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Saturday 12th November
   

Love you

Missing you

Thinking of you

Dreaming about you

Protecting your memory

Holding on to your smile

Remembering you every day

Holding you close to my heart

Today, tomorrow, forever, always.

  

My dearest, darling Angel

My bright, shining star

xxxxxx

Nov11

Hey

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Friday 11th November
  

Leonard Cohen ~ Rest in Peace

“Hey, That’s No Way To Say Goodbye”

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm, 
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm, 
yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new, 
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you, 
but now it’s come to distances and both of us must try, 
your eyes are soft with sorrow, 
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye. 
I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time, 
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme 
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me, 
it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie, 
your eyes are soft with sorrow, 
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye. 

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm, 
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm, 
yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new, 
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you, 
but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie, 
your eyes are soft with sorrow, 
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.


This is one of my favourite tracks, from the album “Songs of Leonard Cohen” released in 1967, which I have on vinyl.

I love the line: 

“You know my love goes with you

As your love stays with me”

It reminds me of you, so very much.

On this day, two years ago, you had your first surgery, a biopsy on your testicle, to check out a suspicious lump.

How I wish I could turn back the clock, fight for better, swifter treatment and demand scans sooner…..

Hindsight…..

If only…..

What if…..

I wish…..

I love you so much, my darling.

We stood beside you at 11:00 this morning, reflecting, remembering, sobbing.

My Angel son.

xxxxxx

Dressed in your hospital gown, awaiting surgery. Smaller pictures show after surgery, and the sunset driving home xx

As we walked away, a little after 11:00, there were suddenly a myriad of kisses in the sky

Was that you, my sweetie?

Blowing kisses from heaven?