Always be there



Tuesday 29th March

The pain will always be there
Because my love is always there.
My grief is a constant reminder:
You were here, and now you’re not.

The hurt won’t magically go away
Your departure was just so sudden.
There is a struggle every day
To live with this broken heart.

The private despair is well-hidden,
I don’t easily let the mask drop.
It’s almost become second nature
Every morning, to keep on keeping on.

The pain and grief won’t ever disappear
The hurt and despair are numbing.
The struggle is real, and on-going
All because I love you so much.

The sadness of the shattered dreams
The quiet, empty space that remains.
Disbelief and realisation together
All conspiring to mess with your head.

I can’t ‘close the book’
I won’t ‘start a new chapter’
I shan’t ‘write a new story’
I don’t want ‘to move on’.

I can never leave you behind.
I don’t want to leave you behind
You’ll be with me forever and a day
By my side and in my heart.

I’ll cry for you at your graveside
Sob silently at three in the morning
Catch my breath, clutch my heart
As the unseen juggernaut of grief hits.

Unimaginable heartache and loss
A coping mechanism is in place
Other peoples’ lives move on
I just see mine so differently now.

When asked how I’m doing
There’s an automatic response:
Oh yes, I’m fine, I’m ok, thank you
(You wouldn’t want to know the truth.)

Unless you’ve lost your own child
No matter what age, or circumstances
The indescribable sorrow of that loss
Is with you every waking moment.

I’m not moaning, just trying to cope
Trying to be positive and smile again.
The impact you had on all our lives
The enormity of you; just immense.

Learning to live with a broken heart
Hiding emotions, trying to join in.
Celebrating your life, talking of you
Keeping your many memories alive.

Walking the earth for over thirty years
Eleven thousand, and eleven days
A palindromic number: 11,011
For such an enigmatic young man.

You’ll always be there with us
Even in heaven, looking down
On our new adventures and travels
You will always, always be there.

Love you my Angel.




21 responses »

  1. You described this grief absolutely precisely. We can somehow get on with our own lives, but we have changed in a way no one can even imagine, unless they are one of us — who lost a child.

    Most times, I don’t want to “go on,” but I know that I have to carry on, and I do. “I’m okay, I’m coping,” is a familiar answer when people ask how I’m doing. No, I don’t tell them that every breath, every day is filled with the loss. I have decided that I must learn to live with grief, it is like a new appendage.

    Since finding you, your blog, I feel that you are an inspiration to me, a kindred spirit. With your words, I don’t feel so all alone. Thank you for your beautiful blog. {{{Hugs}}}

    Liked by 1 person

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