Monday 7th March
I only miss you
Every minute
Of every day.
You will never
Be truly gone.
I will hold you
Safe in my heart
Forever.
I love you
So very much.
I think of you
Constantly,
Day and night.
You’re always
With me.
But my heart
Breaks,
And tears fall.
Becoming an Angel
Far too soon.
xxxxxxx
A cold and empty beach this afternoon
Sunday 6th March
On this date, last year, (it was a Friday), you had your penultimate infusion of chemotherapy. It was a day case appointment, finishing late afternoon.
You were so close to completing the treatment.
Sitting patiently, in the big purple chair, for your penultimate chemotherapy treatment. 6th March 2015
On the way home, it was your choice to stop at a fish and chip restaurant for dinner.
And, you ordered sweet and sour chicken! Now there’s a choice.
You did eat most of it.
For dessert you had a jelly and ice cream sundae. It looked good, but if I remember, you couldn’t finish all of it.
You didn’t look unwell, ill or like someone deteriorating. You weren’t struggling. Yes, you were tired; the chemotherapy treatment made you want to sleep for most of the day.
The last photographs of you: such a happy, contented face.
Who knew you only had barely a week?
And our lives would change forever.
I wish I could turn back time.
I wish things had been different.
I wish I could have done something.
I wish I could have saved you.
Your jelly and ice cream dessert
I am missing you so much.
I remember what was.
I think of what could have been.
I know how close you were to finishing the aggressive treatment regime.
I think of everything you went through, and am so sad that you’re not here now.
You didn’t deserve this.
I’ll love you forever, my dearest, darling Angel son.
xxxxxxx
Saturday 5th March
“It is often in the darkest skies
That we see the brightest stars.”
Missing you my darling son,
Dearest Angel, precious one.
In our lives, now little fun,
Life without you has begun.
But we know, in the long run,
Bright stars you’ll be among.
When all’s said and done,
You’ll stay forever young.
Love you.
Miss you.
xxxxxxx
Sunset over Lulworth. We've been out to dinner with Dad's sister.
Driving to West Lulworth, Dorset
Friday 4th March
“Two souls with but a single thought,
Two hearts that beat as one.”
John Keats
We might be two separate beings,
But we share one beating heart.
You are now living on within me
And this way, we’ll never be apart.
The day your heart stopped beating,
Was when mine took over for you.
You gained those sweet Angel wings,
And up to heaven you silently flew.
In the peaceful quiet of the night,
When I can meet you in my dreams,
I listen for those special heartbeats,
As we dance around the moonbeams.
Love you so much my Angel.
xxxxxxx
Looking over the River Frome, at Wareham, Dorset.
We've come to stay with your other Nan, in Wareham
Looking across the banks of the River Frome, where we went for a walk this afternoon.
Thursday 3rd March
The pain I feel hasn’t lessened
In fact, it’s much more intense.
You’re still my son
I keep on loving you.
That you’re not here, makes no sense.
Almost a year since you fell asleep
The pain is worse, to be truthful.
You’re still my son
I keep on loving you.
Realisation you’ll be forever youthful.
The numbness pains my heart
Every morning is like the one before.
You’re still my son
I keep on loving you.
But I’ll hear your voice no more.
Thinking that you’ll never grow old
No longer around to have fun.
You’re still my son
I keep on loving you.
The pain remains, my darling one.
I keep on loving you.
You’re still my son.
xxxxxxx
A new heart of bells for you, my darling
Wednesday 2nd March
I miss your smile.
I miss your face.
I miss your laughter.
I miss your eyes.
I miss your voice.
I miss your love.
I miss you.
Sweet Angel son.
xxxxxxx
Aquatica, August 2011. Such a cheeky grin.
Tuesday 1st March
“Like branches on a tree . . . . .
We may grow in different directions,
But our roots remain as one.”
We are a close knit family,
Travelling together so happily.
Summer vacations and holidays,
Thought we’d be together always.
But three are here, one in heaven,
Love for each other, never lessen.
Thankful for those family ties,
Growing stronger, intensifies.
Like those branches on the tree,
Roots are joined forever, tightly.
Love you my Angel son.
xxxxxxx
Our family, Chicago, August 2004
Blue sky, through the trees, in the cemetery, this morning
Monday 29th February
Today seems grey.
You’re no longer here,
You’ve gone away.
Seeing the world
In shades of grey,
Life’s now unfurled.
No bright colours,
Just a flat grey,
Gone are all others.
Grey, draining contrast,
Monotone misery,
Sad, eyes downcast.
A grey isolation,
Wraps and enfolds,
Thoughts of desolation.
Neutral and bland,
Grey mist rolls in,
Over the quicksand.
Life’s not black and white.
A muddle of grey,
Seems about right.
Dismal and depressing,
This misty, grey fog,
All joy suppressing.
Looking for a change,
To brighten the day,
This grey to exchange.
The heavy, dull sky,
A ponderous grey.
Exhaling a sigh.
So, today is grey.
But it’ll be different,
I hope, some day.
I’m missing you today
My darling Angel son
Make the grey go away.
xxxxxxx
Looking out over the rampers this afternoon
Sunday 28th February
“We all take different paths in life,
but no matter where we go,
we take a little of each other everywhere.”
Everywhere we go, somehow you are with us. You come along for the ride, for the adventure, or even for the mundane.
Although you are not physically with us, you remain in my heart forever.
Your DNA is within me, and mine within you.
In my handbag are little white feathers that I have found, and tucked into a zipped pocket, wrapped up safely, is the Frankie Angel bear.
When we drive in Dad’s car, your seatbelt is done up, and it shows on the dashboard that there is a passenger in the back, where you used to sit. Where your spirit now is seated.
I carry your photograph in my bag too, a happy, smiling face.
And of course my phone is full of photo memories of us all.
So, wherever we now go, I’ll always have a little bit of you, with me.
Forever.
I do miss you, though.
I miss you so much.
Life is not the same.
xxxxxxx
Saturday 27th February
During an autumn school holiday when we were living in Australia, we spent some time in Mount Gambier, SA.
It was here that we came across Fairy Tale Park, a delightful and unique family attraction set in large gardens.
You and your brother both loved exploring all the fairy tale tableaux, with castles, bogeymen, princes and princesses, and many nursery rhyme characters.
A sweet and gentle time
With no worries, no fears.
A childhood fairy tale,
For those young of years.
Missing you.
Love you forever.
My fairy tale Angel son.
xxxxxxx
Fairy Tale Park, near Mt Gambier, SA. April 1991
The Journey of My Left Foot (whilst remembering my son) 