Sunday 22nd November

My baby, my child.
I thought of you
And then I smiled.

Lovely boy, sweetie pie
You’re an Angel
Up in the sky.

Pleasant chap, good lad
Now you’ve gone
I’m feeling sad.

Sweetheart, kind soul.
The emptiness
I can’t control.

Young man, gentle fellow.
No longer hear
Your morning ‘hello’.

Cute kid, nice guy
Was far too soon
To say goodbye

My son, little one.
Loved and missed
By everyone.

Love you forever
xxxxx

Big clouds and surf

Big clouds and boats

Big clouds and blue sky

The old lifeboat

The new lifeboat

Saturday 21st November

“It hurts
every day,

the absence
of someone
who was
once there.”

On this date last year you had surgery to remove your left testicle following a biopsy where cancerous cells had been found. It was a long and wretched day for you, but we returned home hopeful that all the disease had been removed. We were told as much.

Little did we know what was to come.
The fight that you would put up.

And now,
All we have left are the memories of you.
Fabulous, marvellous, amazing memories.
But that’s all they are.
Memories.

No new memories will be made.
All the plans we were discussing.
When I think what might have been.
Your absence hurts so very much.

So now I hold you in my heart.
And treasure all those memories.

Thinking about you always.
Missing you constantly.
Love you forever.
My dear sweet Angel.
xxxxx

Friday 20th November

“Sometimes the smallest things
Take up the most room in your heart.”
                       ~ winnie the pooh ~

Your uncle gave you a wonderful copy of Winnie the Pooh, soon after you were born, and you used to love hearing the stories. I read to you and your brother every bedtime for years, taking it in turns whose bed to sit upon, and which book to read.

Winnie the Pooh books provide so many inspiring and endearing quotes, words of wisdom and joy, but the one above, caught my eye today.

There are so, so many little things about you, that I miss so very much.

I have again been reading through cards that were sent to us when you passed away.

“We are so sad and shocked.
He was a much-loved son and brother who will be missed by so many people. We have known him since he was a baby, and have very fond memories of him.
You have been loving and caring parents, and have given him some wonderful travelling experiences in his short life.
Hopefully in time you will be able to look back at those times and find some peace of mind, and think of all the small things, and big things, you have done as a family.”

Small things and big things.

Yes, we have had many big adventures together, travelling the world.

But the little things about you…..

Like when we had finished our cup of tea, you would march into the room, pick it up, and deposit said cup loudly in the kitchen sink.

Or after Dad had had a bath, and left his towel over the bottom of the stairs, you would return it to the bathroom for him.

Or when you would insist that lunch is at twelve thirty and tea-time at six. And goodness me, if we weren’t in bed before ten thirty, then you’d want to know why.

If we went out shopping, you’d go off on your own, meeting up for lunch at a specified place, at a pre-determined time ~ even though you couldn’t tell the time, you could gauge the passing of time. And you were always spot on. We never knew how you did that.

Your shoes would always be placed neatly at the back door as soon as you came in. You didn’t have to be asked.

When you got up in the mornings, you would make yourself breakfast, and before you came back upstairs I had to have laid your clothing out for the day, and put toothpaste on your toothbrush.

Having Asperger Syndrome meant you liked to stick to a comfortable, safe routine.
And we too had that routine in our lives.
Your behaviour could be challenging and demanding, but you responded to fairness and reason (most of the time).

For thirty years we knew where we were, where we were going, and the consequences if the routine was side-stepped, for whatever reason.

And now…..?
We miss that routine that you imposed on our lives.
We miss your intense physical and emotional impact and presence.

All the little things.

The smallest things that were so important to you.

And yes, they do take up the most room in your heart.

We
Miss
You.

Love you Angel xxxx

Wednesday 18th November

“Our lives go on without you
But nothing is the same.”

………………

We are here, and you are there.
Nothing will ever be the same.
There is no longer an answer,
When I call out your name.

You are there, and we are here.
Nothing is as it was before.
There’s complete silence,
When I gently close the door.

We are here, and you are there.
Nothing is how we want it to be.
We’d rather you were with us,
But must accept you’re flying free.

You are there, and we are here.
Nothing is right anymore.
You’re not coming back
We know that’s for sure.

Our lives do go on without you,
We have absolutely no choice.
We are here, and you are there,
In your memories, we’ll rejoice.

Lovely boy.
Sweetie Pie.
Angel son.
Flying high.

xxxxx

Sunday 15th November

You are my Starman.
Fly high sweet Angel.

The theme music from the film Starman always reminds me of you.
It is so uplifting, other-worldly, and epic in it’s powerful production.
I love it, and could listen to it over, and over again.

And I look at the picture of you, at Islamorada in the Florida Keys, and remember happier times.

(Music composed by Jack Nitzsche, film directed by John Carpenter.)

Missing you so much.
Love you forever.
Angel son.
xxxxx

Saturday 14th November

“As I sit here and whisper,
‘I miss you’
I believe somehow
You can still hear me.”
……………

I talk to you,
Every moment I can,
I ask how you’re doing,
My sweet, little man.

I whisper your name,
In the dark of the night,
Listening for you,
As the stars take flight.

If you could hear me,
I know you would say,
Nighty night, mum,
At the end of the day.

Love you, my poppet,
I’m telling you this,
To my darling Angel,
I’m sending a kiss.

xxxxx