Tuesday 27th October

You really are always on my mind,
and will remain forever in my heart.

We freshened up your flowers today, to make sure you have a fitting tribute and colourful display at your resting place
It was lightly drizzling, a few more golden brown leaves were falling, and the breeze was pushing along the grey clouds overhead.

We miss you so much my darling.

Are we perpetuating our sorrow by visiting you every single day?
Knowing where you now are, unable to change anything, our lives without you have been altered inexorably.
Right now, it seems the only way to find comfort. Our daily pilgrimage to your graveside feels as if it’s the right thing to do, to come and talk with you, to tend the flowers, to brush away the fallen leaves.

We miss you so much my darling.

I still talk to you, and about you, when I’m away from the cemetery. I speak to you when I’m in your bedroom, when I look at your photographs, when something, anything comes to mind, that triggers a memory of you.

We miss you so much my darling.

On this day in 2008, we were on a half-term break with my sister and her daughter, in Bath. You loved all the shops and street entertainers, and we all enjoyed a boat trip down the river Avon.
I wonder where we would have travelled to, this year?

We miss you so much my darling.

Monday 27th October 2008. Bath.

Always on my mind.
Forever in my heart.

Love you lots.
Missing you like crazy.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxx

Fresh flowers today

Monday 26th October

I was going through some of my old lesson resources, school work and long-forgotten files and folders today. Spring cleaning in the autumn. Trying to throw out old paperwork, some of it more than twenty years old.

Suddenly I was stopped in my tracks.

I held in my hand the local newspaper, with your birth announcement. Yellowed and a bit creased at the edges, this contained our proclamation to the world of your appearance on this earth.

And I cried.

Thirty years ago you were about to start your journey with us, joined two years later by your brother.

For thirty amazing years you were part of our family.

Seeing that announcement on the back page just hit me, right in the middle of my heart.

And I hurt.

So much.

Quite by chance I began looking for a photo of you, to go with this post……

Thursday 26th October 2006. Lucerne, Switzerland

Choosing a sorbet

With Dad

With me

So, nine years ago, on this date in October, you were with us in Switzerland. (The photographs I have on my phone are dated, so I know this for certain )
We were visiting my brother and his wife who were living near Zurich, and we spent a wonderful half-term week with them.

Such happy times, and you look so relaxed and carefree.

Funny face

How I miss those days.

I love you my Angel.
xxxxx

Flowers in the rain today

Sunday 25th October

Although you were never able to be fully independent because of your autism, you did like to wander off to the town or beaches on your own. If you knew a place, and felt safe, then you were quite happy, strolling in and out of book shops, looking through the windows in the High Street, or sitting somewhere watching the holidaymakers. You’d be out of the house for an hour or so, and then you would return, to touch base, just to be sure that we were here.

It was the same in the theme parks of Florida, once you knew the layout, off you’d go, queuing for the rides on your own, safe in the knowledge that we’d meet up again for lunch, a drink or a snack. If you weren’t too sure, you’d run ahead, taking everything in, come back to us, then scamper off again. You probably covered twice or three times the distance that we would walk in a day.

In shopping malls you always wanted to go off on your own, but that was after we had located the food court. We set a period of time, say two hours, and we’d all meet back there. (You couldn’t tell the time, wouldn’t wear a watch, but you were pretty amazing at gauging the passing of time.) Without fail, you’d turn up at the allotted location, exactly at the right time. Sometimes it was uncanny how you managed to do this.

When we stayed in hotels, you liked to be in the same room as us. You said this was because you could see us. You liked to see our faces when we slept. I don’t think you wanted to sleep on your own, and having us close by was reassuring. You wanted to be sure that we were there.

It was the same when you were having chemotherapy, we stayed with you all those nights in hospital. You liked having us next to you, and you’d often want to hold my hand. Again you wanted the reassurance of our presence.

So, just like Piglet, when he takes Pooh’s paw, “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

And we were always, always there for you.

I just wish I could have saved you.

That is all.

Love you forever my darling.
Precious Angel son xxxx

The beach this afternoon, where you loved to walk.

The surf today.

Porthmeor surf

Saturday 24th October

“…….In my own way,
I’m looking for you.
I think this will be so
Until the end of my time…..”

My eyes are drawn skyward, whether at night, looking at the stars and moon, or during the day, trying to see shapes in the clouds.
I’m looking for you.
A little sign, a rainbow, or cloud formation, that lets me know you’re there.
Smiling down.
Is that a bit silly?
Probably.
But it’s what I find myself doing now.
Looking for you, everywhere.
I can’t help it.
I need to know you’re still with me.
In any way possible.
You see, I miss you so very much.

Love you til the end of time.
Beloved Angel son xxxx

Friday 23rd October

Gazing at the surf
Looking out to sea.
Wishing that you were
Still here with me.

You used to walk
Barefoot in the sand.
Reading a book
Or holding my hand.

Splashing in the waves
Jumping in the foam.
But how I wish
You were back at home.

You’re up in heaven
With Angels you fly.
Can I see you
In the cloud filled sky?

So fly free
And fly high.
My darling
Sweetie Pie.

xxxxx

The beach, this afternoon

Your resting place, today.

Your flowers.

Thursday 22nd October

“Love You
Until The Day
After Forever.”

How true are those words for me?

Bing Crosby song. Words by Johnny Burke.

My precious Angel son.
You flew away thirty two weeks ago.
I’ll love you until the day after forever.

xxxx

Wednesday 21st October

Today
I just miss you.
That’s all.

Plain and simple.
It’s one of those days.
I can’t stop thinking about you.

You’re gone.
You’re not here.
You didn’t make it.

And I’m sad.
There are tears.
And I can’t help it.

Around and about
Everything carries on
As normal.

No one knows
What’s going on
Inside my head.

My heart aches,
But it’s there
That I hold you.

Love you sweetie
My beloved
Angel son xxxx

Tuesday 20th October

“All because of you
I believe in angels.”

Well, now I do really believe in angels, because you are one, aren’t you?
You did gain your angel wings far too soon, though, and so unexpectedly.
But I have to believe, have faith that you are in heaven.

It’s been two hundred and twenty two days now. I miss you so very much.

And when we went to see you this afternoon, the sun was casting long shadows through the trees, and a small rainbow-prism of light was shining in the clouds.

Leaves had been blown off the branches, and carpeted the ground, making crisp crunching sounds underfoot.

I was looking up to the sky and the clouds, to see if I could see any more signs of your presence.
Could you hear us talking to you?
Did you know we were close by?
I wish I knew the answers.

Can I see you here, as an Angel, flying downwards to me?
Are your arms outstretched, or are you holding a book, as you so often did?

I’m really missing you today.
Blowing kisses to Heaven.
Love you forever my Angel.
xxxx

Sunday 18th October

“Fly with the Angels
Dance with the Stars.”

I can just imagine you flying, soaring and dancing
With Angels around the stars sparkling.

Although we weren’t ready to say goodbye,
I smile as I look for you up in the sky.

Missing you with all my heart, soul and mind.
I know in heaven, peace you’ll find.

Love you forever.
So, until we’re together
You’re in my heart
Even though far apart.

Beloved son xxxx