Monthly Archives: August 2015

Raising awareness

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Friday 21st August

Having a son in heaven really does change everything.

Had we not lost you, we would not have climbed Mount Snowdon, a couple of weeks ago, in memory of you.

So I’m still trying to raise awareness, in any way I can, of the awful disease that is testicular cancer.

Today there was a little write up in the local newspaper of our emotional achievement.

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Doing something that is worthwhile, that is outside of our normal comfort zone, that gets people to notice, or start talking about testicular cancer, is what we were aiming for.

I hope we’ve done you proud.

We love you.
Forever young.
Forever thirty.
Forever our son.
Sweet Angel.
xxxx

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Dinner

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Thursday 20th August

The overcast greyness that is our August ‘summer at the seaside’ continues. Families on holiday traipsing around the streets or valiantly setting up camp on the beach to build sandcastles or swim in the sea.
What a difference a sunny day makes to a tourist destination. Sunshine definitely puts a smile on peoples’ faces.
But it feels more like October today.
Cool, damp and misty.

The best part was going out for dinner this evening with your brother, his Spanish girlfriend and her sister. We haven’t seen your brother since before we went to Wales to climb Mount Snowdon. It was great to talk to him about our trek, and to share with him all our photographs. We spoke about you a lot. And how we miss you. How we miss you so very much.

Twenty three weeks ago today your brother flew home from Spain. You and Dad drove to Bristol to collect him from the airport. Feeling very tired when you arrived back home, you went for a lie down in our bed.
And you never woke up again.
I remember that evening as if it was just about to happen all over again tonight.
So unexpected. Unforeseen. Unbelievable.

That we were all together on that final day, is something for which I am ever thankful.

I have so much love in my heart for both of my boys.

But you have left such a massive void in all of our lives. There is so much unspoken sadness, grief and desolation.

Love you always.
Both of you.
Living son.
And
Angel son.

xxxx

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Standing in the rain

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Wednesday 19th August

Summer rain.
Here in Cornwall it’s grey, misty, muggy and damp. Very damp this morning. Big, wet droplets are shaken from the branches of the trees and seem to hit the back of your neck, or your nose, on purpose. The grass in the cemetery is slippery underfoot. But it’s quiet and peaceful as we stand close by and talk to you.

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Summers past we would be in Hilton Head Island right about now, walking along the beach early, avoiding the heat of the day. The brightest blue sky a wonderful backdrop to the sugar white sands and the greenest palm tree fronds.

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Yes, it would sometimes rain, but it wouldn’t last long, and it would still be warm. You loved the swimming pool and the fountains just a little way back from the beach.

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The Beach House HHI August 2014

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The fountains at Coligny Beach

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We miss you today, so much, as we stood in the rain, reflecting, reminiscing, remembering.
Times past.
Times passed.
Such good times we had.

Rain or shine,
We think of you,
All of the time.

Love you so very much.
Missing you so very much.
xxxx

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The first summer without you

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Monday 17th August

So, so many reminders of what we would normally be doing……….
All the people in the town, on their seaside summer holiday.
Filling up the beaches, traffic jams, queues in the shops.
Happy families playing on the sand and in the water.
Blue skies, endless sunshine, cold drinks, and ice cream.
Laughter, fun, chatter, screams, cries, waves and smiles.

We shouldn’t be here.
We should be on our summer vacation with you.
Somewhere in America.
Having fun. Laughing. Traveling. Swimming. Shopping. Playing. Smiling. Taking photographs.
Making memories.

But we can’t make any more memories.
Not with you.
Ever.
The memories we made are all we have.
There are no more to be made.

And that makes me sad.

Sweet precious Angel.
xxxx

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The sky above your resting place this afternoon. A small rainbow is in the centre. A tiny angel cloud is towards the bottom right.

Around my neck

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Sunday 16th August

“The most precious jewels you’ll ever have around your neck are the arms of your children.”

How very true is that statement.

Facebook keeps reminding me of what we were up to “On this day”.
In 2013 we went to both Universal Studios and the Islands of Adventure. Just before we left, you gave me a great big cuddle. So sweet, so innocent.
So many lovely photographs of you, to treasure.

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2013 In between Universal and Islands of Adventure

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2010 Disney World

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2010 Cocoa Beach

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2010 Plymouth

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2013 Little River

So many times you had your arms around my neck.
I wish I was still able to have them around me now.

My precious Angel.
I’ll hug you tonight in my dreams.
xxxx

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I have an Angel

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Saturday 15th August

I have an Angel in heaven.
I call him son.
My son.
My thirty year old child.

Born with many problems, we made sure he truly lived life to the full.
Yes, his behaviour could be challenging, his language sometimes colourful, his non-compliance frustrating. But he was also so loving, caring and thoughtful.

He is twenty eight years old here, having a wonderful time in Sea World. A great big smile, and such a happy disposition.

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Sea World 15.8.13

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Chilling with the penguins

Oh to have those carefree, fun days back again.
The days before he was diagnosed with testicular cancer.
The days before chemotherapy destroyed his body and stole his life.

I miss him so very much.
I miss our lives together.

I have an Angel in heaven.
My Angel son xxxx

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Anniversary

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Friday 14th August

Today is our Thirty Third Wedding Anniversary.
‘Happy anniversary’?
No.
Just
‘An’ anniversary.

Today brings all sorts of memories and reminders of happier times.

When you were born in 1985, and then your brother in 1987, we spent a few summer holidays in Cornwall, staying with my mother.

Since returning from Australia in 1992, we have not been in our home town to celebrate our anniversary.
We have been incredibly lucky to travel abroad during the school summer holidays. Firstly to the island of Paxos, then Bermuda, Tobago (twice), and then the Virgin Islands. In between, and since then, we spent eighteen years travelling to South Carolina, Georgia and Florida; up to five weeks of exploring the East coast, from Little River to Key West.

We always had such fun together. In the beginning we would join my father on his yacht and become boat gypsies, exploring coves and snorkelling in deserted bays.

When your brother turned seventeen, he decided it wasn’t cool to go on holiday with mum and dad, so it was just the three of us. We would still join my father, but mostly stay in a marina, only going out occasionally on day sails.

Since my father passed away in 2009, we continued to start our vacation in North Myrtle Beach, staying for a while, and then driving south.

For the last few years, our wedding anniversary has been spent in Florida; either at a theme park ~ Busch Gardens, Aquatica, Islands of Adventure or Universal Studios, or down in the Keys, relaxing at the Islander, or having fun in Key West.

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Universal Studios 14 August 2013

Of course, you much preferred the theme parks and shopping of Orlando. Each year you would check out the new rides beforehand, and have an itinerary planned.

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Universal Studios 14th August 2013

Such simple, loving family fun. You allowed us to have many, many years of happiness and pleasure. You were like a very young teenager for all those years, someone who never grew up, who never grew tired of the excitement that was to be found in Florida.

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Universal Studios 14th August 2013

This year, for the first time in thirty years, you are not here.
So we haven’t really ‘celebrated’ our anniversary.
We have thought about you constantly, and all the different places we have been on this day.
It has just been ‘an’ anniversary.

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When we went to visit your graveside this afternoon, there was the most beautiful peacock butterfly that flew over to your flowers, and remained there for quite some time.
I would very much like to believe that was a sign from you, that you wanted to be part of our wedding anniversary. Ever close by. In our hearts.

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We do miss you more than words can say.
More, each and every day.
Love you to the moon and back.
Sending butterfly kisses.
My Angel.
xxxx

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Wishing you were here

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Thursday 13th August

Wishing you were here.

“Endless hours by your grieving bed
Wishing you were here instead.”

I wish for you to be with us, morning and night.
I say your name out loud, every day.
I talk to you, all the time.
I want to hold you, right now.

But you’re up there, in heaven.
And we’re down here, without you.

It’s so quiet. Nothing is going on. No plans are being made. We just seem to exist. We somehow make it through the day, then spend sleepless nights thinking about you.

Another Thursday.
It was twenty two weeks ago that you fell asleep and didn’t wake up.
And I miss you so very much.

Love you forever my Angel son xxxx

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Five months

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Wednesday 12th August

Five months.
Five long months without you.
Five months since you passed away.

I miss you constantly.
I smile when I think about you.
I cry when I think about you.

My Angel son in heaven.
Forever young.
Forever gone.

Love you to infinity and beyond.
Love you more than words can say.
Love you to the moon and back.
xxxx

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