Friday 9th October

I do try to keep myself busy, go for daily walks, keep on top of the chores and paperwork, but honestly, when I stop for a moment, I am thinking of you.

Sometimes I feel guilty if I’m laughing at something or smiling when speaking with another person.
I think someone else might catch a glimpse of me showing displays of happiness.
Guilt.
Because I shouldn’t be happy, should I?
You’re not here.
You’re my Angel in heaven now.

Outwardly I’m trying to carry on.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you.
My heart holds you constantly, and you are in my thoughts permanently.
Every time I pause, you are there with me.
Invisibly holding hands.

I am coping.
Sort of.
And if I’m coping, I’m allowed to smile every once in a while.
Aren’t I?
It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten, I’ve moved on without you, or I’ve stopped thinking about you.

I loved you then.
I love you now.
I will always love you.
Forevermore.

But it’s hard.
Because I do miss you so very much.

Fly high
Sweetie Pie.
xxxxx

Wednesday 7th October

I came across a written note, in a card to us, from one of the carers at the stables. You loved working with the horses and going out on hacks.

Out on a hack in the sunshine

Collecting rosettes at a gymkhana

(It has taken me a long time to go through all the many, many cards that we received when you gained your Angel wings. A number of them are filled with thoughtful and compassionate words. The messages are lovely, but they do bring a tear to my eyes. People loved you so much. You made such a great impression on so many. And they miss you being a part of their lives.)

This is what she wrote:

“I absolutely adored Frank, the time we spent together at the farm was always filled with so much fun and laughter.
He could turn the worst day into something bright.
His sense of humour and quick-witted replies will be greatly missed in the farmhouse.
Quite honestly it will never be the same again.”

Such sweet and heartfelt sentiments.
But that was you.
You had such a loving, caring and mischievous personality.
And you knew how to have fun.

We miss having you here with us.
Love you forever.
Precious horse rider.
Darling Angel.
xxxx

Your horse watching over you

Tuesday 6th October

And you, my dear son, certainly did leave footprints on our hearts.

And we, and our lives, will never, ever be the same.

Nothing will be the same as it was.
Outwardly it may seem so.
But all has now changed.
A smile on our face belies the hidden sorrow……

So much left to do.
So many plans.
So many places to take you.
So many experiences to share with you.

Now, we’ll take you with us, in our hearts.
For that is where your footprints left deep impressions.
We’ll travel together forever.
We’ll hold your invisible hand as we go exploring once more.

Frank and statues outside the Customs House, Key West

We did have such fun, with magical travels to beautiful destinations.

We miss you so very much, and wish you were still here with us.

Love you forever my sweet Angel.
xxxx

Sunday 4th October

And we loved you so very much.
We love you still.
We will love you forever.

Just wanted you to know that.
That we’re thinking of you.
We never stop thinking of you.

Missing you today.
Missing you so very much.

Wishing you were still here.
Love you sweet Angel.

xxxx

Saturday 3rd October

How can it be?
You’re not here with me.

It wasn’t your time
To leave us alone.

Life isn’t fair,
We all know that.

This wasn’t the plan
We had for you.

Tears and heartache,
But no regrets.

Your life was amazing,
Your achievements many.

You’ve left behind
A massive void.

But for thirty years
You were our son.

Smiling with you,
But crying alone.

Looking skyward
Searching for signs.

Just fly peacefully.
Angel of mine.

xxxxx

Friday 2nd October

“A part of me went with you
A part of you stayed with me”

So very true.
In fact a big part of me, went with you to Heaven, and I am left broken.
Incomplete.
Without you, nothing is as it was.
There are so many missing pieces.
So many silences.
So many spaces that will never now be filled.
Events that will never be.
Places we won’t see.
People who will never meet you.

And yet, part of you has stayed with me.
Your thirty years of fun, adventures, experiences, learning, smiles, tears, frustration, success, challenges…..
So many tales to tell.
No one can take those away.
So, so many wonderful memories.

Love you forever my sweetheart.
Blowing kisses to Heaven.
Beloved Angel son xxxx

Sunny afternoon in the harbour (low tide)

Quiet and calm at dusk (high tide)

Tuesday 29th September

“Your Wings
Were Ready
But My
Heart
Was Not”

So very true.
I was just not ready at all to let you go.
Unbelievably unexpected.
Unthinkable.
No clues or symptoms.
Nothing.

To all intents and purposes things were improving.
Your tumours were shrinking.
One more infusion of chemotherapy.
That was all.
You were on day ninety nine out of one hundred days of treatment.
You had taken it well.
You did what you had to do.
You did what you were told.

We were making plans.
We talked to you about organising holidays.
Being able to get away.
Have fun.
Laugh.
To live your life.

But no.
It was just not to be.
Your body couldn’t take any more chemotherapy.
You fell asleep and didn’t wake up.
You went to Heaven.
Quickly and quietly.

And we are left behind.
Heartbroken.
Empty.
Lost.

We miss you like crazy.
We love you so dearly.
Now, forever young.
Sweet Angel son.
xxxxx

After-dinner walk tonight, just before sunset

High tide in the harbour at dusk

Your flowers today