Sunday 6th March

On this date, last year, (it was a Friday), you had your penultimate infusion of chemotherapy. It was a day case appointment, finishing late afternoon.
You were so close to completing the treatment.

Sitting patiently, in the big purple chair, for your penultimate chemotherapy treatment. 6th March 2015

On the way home, it was your choice to stop at a fish and chip restaurant for dinner.
And, you ordered sweet and sour chicken! Now there’s a choice.
You did eat most of it.
For dessert you had a jelly and ice cream sundae. It looked good, but if I remember, you couldn’t finish all of it.

You didn’t look unwell, ill or like someone deteriorating. You weren’t struggling. Yes, you were tired; the chemotherapy treatment made you want to sleep for most of the day.

The last photographs of you: such a happy, contented face.

Who knew you only had barely a week?
And our lives would change forever.

I wish I could turn back time.
I wish things had been different.
I wish I could have done something.
I wish I could have saved you.

Your jelly and ice cream dessert

I am missing you so much.
I remember what was.
I think of what could have been.
I know how close you were to finishing the aggressive treatment regime.
I think of everything you went through, and am so sad that you’re not here now.
You didn’t deserve this.

I’ll love you forever, my dearest, darling Angel son.

xxxxxxx

Thursday 3rd March

The pain I feel hasn’t lessened
In fact, it’s much more intense.
You’re still my son
I keep on loving you.
That you’re not here, makes no sense.

Almost a year since you fell asleep
The pain is worse, to be truthful.
You’re still my son
I keep on loving you.
Realisation you’ll be forever youthful.

The numbness pains my heart
Every morning is like the one before.
You’re still my son
I keep on loving you.
But I’ll hear your voice no more.

Thinking that you’ll never grow old
No longer around to have fun.
You’re still my son
I keep on loving you.
The pain remains, my darling one.

I keep on loving you.
You’re still my son.

xxxxxxx

A new heart of bells for you, my darling

Wednesday 2nd March

I miss your smile.
I miss your face.
I miss your laughter.
I miss your eyes.
I miss your voice.
I miss your love.
I miss you.

Sweet Angel son.
xxxxxxx

Aquatica, August 2011. Such a cheeky grin.

Monday 29th February

Today seems grey.
You’re no longer here,
You’ve gone away.

Seeing the world
In shades of grey,
Life’s now unfurled.

No bright colours,
Just a flat grey,
Gone are all others.

Grey, draining contrast,
Monotone misery,
Sad, eyes downcast.

A grey isolation,
Wraps and enfolds,
Thoughts of desolation.

Neutral and bland,
Grey mist rolls in,
Over the quicksand.

Life’s not black and white.
A muddle of grey,
Seems about right.

Dismal and depressing,
This misty, grey fog,
All joy suppressing.

Looking for a change,
To brighten the day,
This grey to exchange.

The heavy, dull sky,
A ponderous grey.
Exhaling a sigh.

So, today is grey.
But it’ll be different,
I hope, some day.

I’m missing you today
My darling Angel son
Make the grey go away.

xxxxxxx

Looking out over the rampers this afternoon

Sunday 28th February

“We all take different paths in life,
but no matter where we go,
we take a little of each other everywhere.”

Everywhere we go, somehow you are with us. You come along for the ride, for the adventure, or even for the mundane.

Although you are not physically with us, you remain in my heart forever.
Your DNA is within me, and mine within you.
In my handbag are little white feathers that I have found, and tucked into a zipped pocket, wrapped up safely, is the Frankie Angel bear.
When we drive in Dad’s car, your seatbelt is done up, and it shows on the dashboard that there is a passenger in the back, where you used to sit. Where your spirit now is seated.
I carry your photograph in my bag too, a happy, smiling face.
And of course my phone is full of photo memories of us all.

So, wherever we now go, I’ll always have a little bit of you, with me.
Forever.

I do miss you, though.
I miss you so much.
Life is not the same.

xxxxxxx

Friday 26th February

“A smile happens in a flash
It’s memory lasts a lifetime.”

You had such a cheeky grin,
Easy to see when you were happy.
Laughter spread from within,
When something tickled your fancy.

A great big smile across your face,
Let us know you were having fun.
That we had chosen the right place,
Giving you the very best, bar none.

Missing you every single day,
Missing your happy personality.
Wishing you’d been able to stay,
To spread your saucy individuality.

Love you forever
Sweet Angel son.
xxxxxxx

August 2010 Harry Potter Land, Orlando

Wednesday 24th February

“Your body is away from me,
but there is a window open
from my heart to yours.”
                           Rumi

My heart will always hold yours,
Beating together as one.
Our love forever endures,
My darling, my precious son.

Although I might seem strong
Not one single day goes by
When memories come along
Bringing a tear to my eye.

Your face lit up with such joy
When told of future holidays.
Remaining forever a young boy
Joining in the fun, as always.

Now, you’re within my heart
I’ll hold you tightly for all time
Then we’ll never be apart
Beloved Angel son of mine.

Miss you.
Love you.

xxxxxxx