Monday 14th March
I feel blue.
Then I remember
I love you.
Smiles are few.
Then I remember
I love you.
What could we do?
Then I remember
I love you.
Tears fall too.
Then I remember
I love you.
Trying to get through.
Then I remember
I love you.
To heaven you flew.
Always remember
I love you.
My little boy blue.
Always remember
I love you.
xxxxxxx
My little boy blue. August 2011
Sunday 13th March
“Some people care too much.
I think that’s called love.”
~ Winnie the Pooh
On this morning, last year, we awoke to a still, empty, quiet, lifeless, joyless house.
We hadn’t really slept, just managed a few fitful naps, between the sobs and complete disbelief as to what had just happened to our family.
This is what I had written for 13th March 2015. It is the first time I have re-read it since that day……..
“Empty. Numb. Heartbroken. Lost.
Our son is gone.
The house is quiet.
But everywhere there are reminders of him.
Not least the Get Well cards, 30th Birthday cards, and soon to be joined by the sympathy cards.
Mid-morning there is a knock on the door. It is the postman.
There is a box containing a bouquet of pink and white carnations.
My son had arranged with my mother-in-law to have them sent for Mother’s Day.
A card inside says With Love from him.
This is just unbelievably heartbreaking.
The last thing he did for me.
And here they are, the morning after he went to heaven.
Why him? Why now? Why this ending?
He still had so much to do.
He was planning our summer holiday.
He was thinking of our trip to London to have afternoon tea at the Ritz Hotel, to be followed by a trip to the London Dungeons.
Today was Day 100 of his chemotherapy.
It would have been finished this afternoon.
We were going to celebrate.
He was quite looking forward to visiting the nurses one last time.
But it was not to be.
He didn’t quite make it.
I still see his little face looking up at me.
I still feel his tiny hand clasped in mine.
My son. My child. My baby.
Taken far too soon.
What a massive void he has left behind.
He was so caring, loving, polite, but cheeky too, and a scamp at times.
He had a wicked sense of humour, and delivered some great put-downs!
He is in my heart forever.
An angel in heaven.
Happy, pain free, and watching over us.
I love you so, so much.
To the moon and back.
Love you more.
And all the world.
Sleep tight my darling boy.”
Today and yesterday have been difficult, filled with so many emotions and such unbelievable sadness.
That date in the calendar: the lead up to it; the date itself; the morning after…… yes, it’s just a date, but it will forever remain as the day you left us, and went to heaven.
And it will always be close to Mother’s Day, as well.
The twelfth of March.
I miss you so very much.
I love you with all my heart.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxxxx
Saturday 12th March
You’ve been gone from our lives
Exactly a year.
And we miss you so much
My darling, my dear.
On this day last March
You fell asleep
And joined the angels
Leaving us to weep.
As I gently held
Your still-warm body,
You passed from this world
To the next, so softly
Tomorrow never came,
For my precious one.
Tears have fallen
For my beloved son.
Twelve long months,
And the plans we made,
Have now been shelved,
But memories don’t fade.
One year in heaven,
We love you still.
We speak of you often,
And always will.
And every day of that first year has been a first…….
This is the post I made for 12th March 2015 . . . . . . .
I leave for school early, and my husband follows soon after with my son, to drive to Bristol to pick up our younger son, returning home from Spain.
They text me throughout the day to update their progress.
I end the school day with a Year 10 parents evening, so do not arrive home until 5:30pm.
They boys get back home soon after seven. It’s been a good day out, but everyone is a bit tired.
Younger son goes back to his flat, and elder son decides to take himself to our bed for a little sleep, until we are ready to go to bed. He likes his cuddles.
He says he is tired, and doesn’t really want to eat.
I watch a bit of television, then round about ten o’clock I get his night time medication ready.
Going into the bedroom, I see him lying on his tummy, as usual. Snuggled under the duvet.
I call to him.
No response.
I pull the covers back a bit, and he feels warm, but he is face down.
I pull his shoulder around and notice one side of his face looks a bit bluey purple.
He is not breathing.
His eyes look strange.
I shout to my husband.
I pull my son right over on his back.
I start mouth to mouth.
I shout to my husband to call 999.
I begin chest compressions.
Back to mouth to mouth.
The operator on the end of the phone tells me to put my son of the floor.
Keep going with the chest compressions.
He counts with me.
The ambulances are on the way.
I keep counting with the chest compressions.
The first paramedic arrives, and tells me to keep going with the chest compressions.
He sets up the defibrillator.
Nothing.
A tube is put down my son’s throat, and fluid is sucked out.
His lungs are filling up, because he is not breathing.
Two more paramedics arrive, and take over from me and my husband.
They keep on with the chest compressions.
Three shots of adrenaline are pumped to his heart via the chest line.
It’s not working.
Nothing is working.
My son is slipping away.
There is nothing more they can do.
He is gone.
No life left.
Our younger son arrived back at our house at this point.
He is utterly heartbroken.
A policeman comes into the house soon after.
Because it is an unexplained death, there are procedures to follow, and questions to answer.
My son is soon carefully lifted off the floor, and gently placed in his own bed.
I cover him with his duvet to keep him warm.
I hold his little hand tightly in mine.
I try to keep him warm, but his face is now really cold.
I stroke his cheeks and kiss him.
The colour has drained away.
Almost a waxy, creamy, white.
I go and get his hat.
He always slept wearing one on his head.
The back of his neck is still warm, as I pull the hat over his hairless head.
I cannot comprehend what has happened.
I talk to him.
Telling him to wake up.
Willing him to return.
Wanting him to hold me.
Pleading for him to open his eyes.
I’m still holding his hand, trying to keep him warm.
I cry silent tears.
His small little body could take no more, and his tiny heart stopped beating.
I know there are two men waiting outside to take him away.
They suggest I leave the room.
But I can’t.
I want to see that he his looked after.
And they do treat him with the utmost dignity and respect.
Making sure he is still wearing his hat.
They open a white body bag on the floor and carefully place my son inside.
I hold his hand for as long as I can.
Slowly the zip is closed over him, and then he is gently lifted onto a stretcher and strapped in place.
Another cover is pulled over, and then he is taken downstairs.
We all walk outside as he is put in the coroner’s van.
I touch his body again and say goodbye, goodnight.
He is driven away just after half past one in the morning.
I cry and cry and cry.
I cannot sleep.
I can feel him in the house with us.
When we do eventually go to bed, we put his dressing gown between us.
We try to hold onto him.
To keep him close.
Sleep peacefully my darling.
I miss you so very, very much.
We love you with all our hearts.
A breezy, bright day at Gwithian
Looking towards Godrevy lighthouse
Frankie Angel Bear came with us
My darling son
Friday 11th March
Through the window, looking out to sea,
I imagine you’re sitting here with me.
Our afternoon walk, around the town,
And I try so hard, not to breakdown.
Stopping for a drink at a harbour cafe,
People watching on a bright, sunny day.
Next to me is where you would sit,
At a table by the window, fidgeting a bit.
Coffee for us, and lemonade for you,
Perhaps a biscuit, or a brownie, too.
Just thinking about you, constantly,
As if time had stood still, unbelievably.
Almost a whole year has passed us by,
Shaking my head, I try hard not to cry.
I love you as much now, as I did then,
Time changes nothing, still heartbroken.
Miss you so much sweetie.
Love you my Angel.
xxxxxxx
Coffee with a view, this afternoon
Thursday 10th March
Just missing my Angel.
So much,
Every day.
It’s another Thursday.
Fifty two weeks,
Without you.
Love you sweetheart.
To the moon,
And back.
xxxxxxx
A new guardian angel looking over you
Wednesday 9th March
Fly high my Angel
Fly high little man.
Look down from above,
Smiling if you can.
I search for you,
Looking up to the sky.
I imagine I see you,
Soaring on high.
Among the clouds,
Billowing and white,
I watch out for signs,
As you take flight.
So, fly high little man,
Now you’re pain-free.
Fly with the Angels,
Where all is carefree.
Love you forever.
Forget you never.
xxxxxxx
Very windy afternoon at the beach
Another view of the beach today
Tuesday 8th March
This morning, I was standing here
Thinking about how much I miss you.
A grey sky, and a fine mist blowing
With all those memories to cling to.
It’s always peaceful, here with you
As I tend your flowers, speaking quietly.
I really do hope you can hear me
Telling you I miss you, constantly.
I love you so much.
xxxxxxx
Bright, spring tulips for you
Grey and misty this morning
Monday 7th March
I only miss you
Every minute
Of every day.
You will never
Be truly gone.
I will hold you
Safe in my heart
Forever.
I love you
So very much.
I think of you
Constantly,
Day and night.
You’re always
With me.
But my heart
Breaks,
And tears fall.
Becoming an Angel
Far too soon.
xxxxxxx
A cold and empty beach this afternoon
Sunday 6th March
On this date, last year, (it was a Friday), you had your penultimate infusion of chemotherapy. It was a day case appointment, finishing late afternoon.
You were so close to completing the treatment.
Sitting patiently, in the big purple chair, for your penultimate chemotherapy treatment. 6th March 2015
On the way home, it was your choice to stop at a fish and chip restaurant for dinner.
And, you ordered sweet and sour chicken! Now there’s a choice.
You did eat most of it.
For dessert you had a jelly and ice cream sundae. It looked good, but if I remember, you couldn’t finish all of it.
You didn’t look unwell, ill or like someone deteriorating. You weren’t struggling. Yes, you were tired; the chemotherapy treatment made you want to sleep for most of the day.
The last photographs of you: such a happy, contented face.
Who knew you only had barely a week?
And our lives would change forever.
I wish I could turn back time.
I wish things had been different.
I wish I could have done something.
I wish I could have saved you.
Your jelly and ice cream dessert
I am missing you so much.
I remember what was.
I think of what could have been.
I know how close you were to finishing the aggressive treatment regime.
I think of everything you went through, and am so sad that you’re not here now.
You didn’t deserve this.
I’ll love you forever, my dearest, darling Angel son.
xxxxxxx
Saturday 5th March
“It is often in the darkest skies
That we see the brightest stars.”
Missing you my darling son,
Dearest Angel, precious one.
In our lives, now little fun,
Life without you has begun.
But we know, in the long run,
Bright stars you’ll be among.
When all’s said and done,
You’ll stay forever young.
Love you.
Miss you.
xxxxxxx
Sunset over Lulworth. We've been out to dinner with Dad's sister.
Driving to West Lulworth, Dorset
The Journey of My Left Foot (whilst remembering my son) 