Tuesday 13th October

The last few days have seen a series of beautiful blue sky moments, few clouds, just the clearest and brightest of cerulean atmospheres.

And I have taken to looking skyward, searching for little signs of you.
A fluffy, white cloud scudding past.
An shimmering aeroplane destined for distant shores.
A prism of rainbow colours.
Sunbeams dancing through the branches of trees.
A watery halo around the sun.

So many places where I look for you.

“When I look to the sky,
something tells me
you’re here with me.”

You are here with me, aren’t you?
Are you with me, are you with me?
I know that you are.

Miss you.
Love you.
Forever.
Angel.
xxxx

A plane flying west, over your place of rest

Sunday 11th October

“I am the loneliness of the tree as she
loses her falling leaves………
……… I am the love without end
I am the grieving heart.”

That first line.

The crisp, golden-brown leaves are now beginning their downward spiral as the autumn winds gently shake the branches to loosen the hold of those colour changing, confetti-like leaves.

All around your place of rest, the ground is strewn with crisp, brown leaves. Once detached from it’s branch, that’s it. There’s no going back. The leaf can only fall to earth. Maybe not directly, being picked up by the wind and tumbled along. But ultimately it’s flight path or destination is irreversible.

Each leaf falls independently, alone, but then they land on the ground, together.

You, my darling, have fallen from our arms, there is no possibility of reversing that fact. I have lost you. But you are together in heaven with your great-grandparents, grandfathers and aunt.

And I am left with a grieving heart.

Love you beautiful boy.
Forever with me.
xxxxx

Saturday 10th October

“Not a day goes by
that I don’t think of you
and smile.
Or cry.
Or both.”

Such is our life now that we really are on a rollercoaster of emotions.
One moment feeling light and just about ok.
And then, almost at once a heavy weight of sorrow comes crashing towards you, almost knocking you sideways.

Happy, sad.
Smiling, crying.
Coping, failing.
Calm, confusion.

It doesn’t take but a minute to switch between the two opposing states of emotions.

The sweet sadness of your memory elicits both smiles and tears at the same time.

And it is so hard to face the world each new day, without you, knowing that at any moment the mask might slip, and everything you’ve been holding together suddenly crumbles and spills all over the floor.

Missing you tremendously.
Thinking of you never-endingly.
Loving you immensely.
Wishing for your presence constantly.

Sending you kisses and cuddles.
Dearest Angel son xxxx

Friday 9th October

I do try to keep myself busy, go for daily walks, keep on top of the chores and paperwork, but honestly, when I stop for a moment, I am thinking of you.

Sometimes I feel guilty if I’m laughing at something or smiling when speaking with another person.
I think someone else might catch a glimpse of me showing displays of happiness.
Guilt.
Because I shouldn’t be happy, should I?
You’re not here.
You’re my Angel in heaven now.

Outwardly I’m trying to carry on.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you.
My heart holds you constantly, and you are in my thoughts permanently.
Every time I pause, you are there with me.
Invisibly holding hands.

I am coping.
Sort of.
And if I’m coping, I’m allowed to smile every once in a while.
Aren’t I?
It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten, I’ve moved on without you, or I’ve stopped thinking about you.

I loved you then.
I love you now.
I will always love you.
Forevermore.

But it’s hard.
Because I do miss you so very much.

Fly high
Sweetie Pie.
xxxxx

Wednesday 7th October

I came across a written note, in a card to us, from one of the carers at the stables. You loved working with the horses and going out on hacks.

Out on a hack in the sunshine

Collecting rosettes at a gymkhana

(It has taken me a long time to go through all the many, many cards that we received when you gained your Angel wings. A number of them are filled with thoughtful and compassionate words. The messages are lovely, but they do bring a tear to my eyes. People loved you so much. You made such a great impression on so many. And they miss you being a part of their lives.)

This is what she wrote:

“I absolutely adored Frank, the time we spent together at the farm was always filled with so much fun and laughter.
He could turn the worst day into something bright.
His sense of humour and quick-witted replies will be greatly missed in the farmhouse.
Quite honestly it will never be the same again.”

Such sweet and heartfelt sentiments.
But that was you.
You had such a loving, caring and mischievous personality.
And you knew how to have fun.

We miss having you here with us.
Love you forever.
Precious horse rider.
Darling Angel.
xxxx

Your horse watching over you

Tuesday 6th October

And you, my dear son, certainly did leave footprints on our hearts.

And we, and our lives, will never, ever be the same.

Nothing will be the same as it was.
Outwardly it may seem so.
But all has now changed.
A smile on our face belies the hidden sorrow……

So much left to do.
So many plans.
So many places to take you.
So many experiences to share with you.

Now, we’ll take you with us, in our hearts.
For that is where your footprints left deep impressions.
We’ll travel together forever.
We’ll hold your invisible hand as we go exploring once more.

Frank and statues outside the Customs House, Key West

We did have such fun, with magical travels to beautiful destinations.

We miss you so very much, and wish you were still here with us.

Love you forever my sweet Angel.
xxxx

Sunday 4th October

And we loved you so very much.
We love you still.
We will love you forever.

Just wanted you to know that.
That we’re thinking of you.
We never stop thinking of you.

Missing you today.
Missing you so very much.

Wishing you were still here.
Love you sweet Angel.

xxxx

Saturday 3rd October

How can it be?
You’re not here with me.

It wasn’t your time
To leave us alone.

Life isn’t fair,
We all know that.

This wasn’t the plan
We had for you.

Tears and heartache,
But no regrets.

Your life was amazing,
Your achievements many.

You’ve left behind
A massive void.

But for thirty years
You were our son.

Smiling with you,
But crying alone.

Looking skyward
Searching for signs.

Just fly peacefully.
Angel of mine.

xxxxx