Saturday 17th October
I hope you can
I hope you know
I hope you see
That I am missing you.
Every waking moment,
And in my dreams.
To the moon and back
And all the world
Around the stars.
Nothing more
Nothing less.
I’m missing you.
Precious
Angel
Son.
xxx
Friday 16th October
“You are my Angel,
My darling,
My star…….
And my love will find you,
Wherever you are.”
My sweet little Angel, I do hope my love finds you.
Today and every day.
Can you feel me standing close, can you sense my presence daily, when we come to visit with you?
Do you know that I say good morning and goodnight from my pillow, as I look at your smiling face in a photograph of you?
With all my heart and soul, I send you my love.
I miss you and everything about you.
To the moon and back and all the world.
My bright, little star.
I love you.
xxxx
Thursday 15th October
Reading through the many cards that were sent to us when you went to heaven, the words here uplift the spirits, despite the trials and tribulations we faced bringing you up.
“We have watched you over the last thirty years to be the most amazing, caring, loving parents to Frank.
We will never understand the difficult times you have been through and the struggles you have faced, but we have seen you support Frank through them all.
You truly have been amazing parents.”
Having Asperger Syndrome, Pierre Robin Syndrome and moderate learning difficulties, your behaviour was at times, incredibly challenging.
That is what made the love within our family so intense. You were extremely hard work, and massive amounts of patience and tolerance were needed. Not just from us, but from your brother, too.
A short anecdote…….
The family who wrote those words in the card have two daughters, the same ages as you and your brother. I used to give extra mathematics tuition after school to the elder girl. This must have been when you were aged about thirteen or so.
Anyway, one afternoon, she and I were sitting at our kitchen table, working through some algebra problems, when you came in and asked to have a particular video to watch on the television. I asked you to wait until I had finished my hour’s session, then I would find it for you.
I’m afraid you didn’t have the patience to wait.
You filled up a glass of water from the tap, poured it over my head, and left the room.
I have never felt so embarrassed and speechless; I didn’t know where to look. I think I just mopped up the water on the table, and carried on as if nothing had happened.
Looking back it seems quite amusing now, but oh my goodness, you could be a little monkey at times. Anything to shock and outrage to gain attention, that was you all over.
And so we had to become strong parents to try and guide you to make sensible choices, to tone down your behaviour in social situations, to give you knowledge of the wider world, but still to have that sprinkling of mischievousness about you, that made you so unique, endearing and loving.
For thirty years, the circumstances and obstacles we faced, with the intense and profound love we have for you, has made your loss that much more tortuous and harrowing; so, so difficult to handle and accept.
You were our child who never properly grew up, part of us for three decades. You needed us, and we needed you.
We’ll love you forever.
And I’ll hold you in my heart,
Til I can hold you in my arms.
Sleep tight my Angel.
xxxx
Your lovely smile
Key West sunset, sweetheart.
A cheeky grin
Your flowers today
Cemetery sunshine
Wednesday 14th October
Another first…….
Dad’s first birthday without you being here.
Without your card, or morning birthday greetings.
Dad missed you a lot today.
It was so quiet without you.
We remember so many good times together.
Dearest Angel son.
We grow older, and you remain forever thirty years old.
Just wish it wasn’t so.
Love you forever.
xxxxx
You and Dad. Bahia Honda State Park, The Keys
You and Dad. Universal Studios
You and Dad. Seuss Landing, Universal
You and Dad. Hawaiian Luau, Sea World
You and Dad. Aquatica
You and Dad. Busch Gardens
You and Dad. Christmas Eve, Disney World
You and Dad. Hilton Head Island
You and Dad this morning
Dad and I this afternoon
Tuesday 13th October
The last few days have seen a series of beautiful blue sky moments, few clouds, just the clearest and brightest of cerulean atmospheres.
And I have taken to looking skyward, searching for little signs of you.
A fluffy, white cloud scudding past.
An shimmering aeroplane destined for distant shores.
A prism of rainbow colours.
Sunbeams dancing through the branches of trees.
A watery halo around the sun.
So many places where I look for you.
“When I look to the sky,
something tells me
you’re here with me.”
You are here with me, aren’t you?
Are you with me, are you with me?
I know that you are.
Miss you.
Love you.
Forever.
Angel.
xxxx
A plane flying west, over your place of rest
Monday 12th October
Seven months.
It’s seven long months since you went to bed, fell asleep and didn’t wake up.
Seven months in heaven.
No more chemotherapy.
No more surgery.
No more peripheral neuropathy.
No more scans.
No more sickness.
No more testicular cancer.
But there is no more you.
And that hurts so much.
Just memories and moments in time.
Reminders and remembrances.
And we will keep on remembering, talking about you, telling everyone about your life. Taking you with us, wherever we go, from now on, firmly ensconced in our hearts.
Seven months ago, you had driven to Bristol airport, with Dad, to pick up your brother. He was returning from Spain, having spent time with his girlfriend.
Well, yesterday he arrived back there, having spent two days travelling. Not by plane this time, but car and ferry. Quite an arduous journey by all accounts.
I know your brother misses you greatly, even if he is quiet and doesn’t show much emotion. But he cared about you deeply, and you have left a huge void in his life, too.
So, seven months.
And we do remember the laughter.
The smiles.
The love.
All we do is just remember.
We all love you so very much.
Beloved son and brother.
Precious Angel xxxx
Sunday 11th October
“I am the loneliness of the tree as she
loses her falling leaves………
……… I am the love without end
I am the grieving heart.”
That first line.
The crisp, golden-brown leaves are now beginning their downward spiral as the autumn winds gently shake the branches to loosen the hold of those colour changing, confetti-like leaves.
All around your place of rest, the ground is strewn with crisp, brown leaves. Once detached from it’s branch, that’s it. There’s no going back. The leaf can only fall to earth. Maybe not directly, being picked up by the wind and tumbled along. But ultimately it’s flight path or destination is irreversible.
Each leaf falls independently, alone, but then they land on the ground, together.
You, my darling, have fallen from our arms, there is no possibility of reversing that fact. I have lost you. But you are together in heaven with your great-grandparents, grandfathers and aunt.
And I am left with a grieving heart.
Love you beautiful boy.
Forever with me.
xxxxx
Saturday 10th October
“Not a day goes by
that I don’t think of you
and smile.
Or cry.
Or both.”
Such is our life now that we really are on a rollercoaster of emotions.
One moment feeling light and just about ok.
And then, almost at once a heavy weight of sorrow comes crashing towards you, almost knocking you sideways.
Happy, sad.
Smiling, crying.
Coping, failing.
Calm, confusion.
It doesn’t take but a minute to switch between the two opposing states of emotions.
The sweet sadness of your memory elicits both smiles and tears at the same time.
And it is so hard to face the world each new day, without you, knowing that at any moment the mask might slip, and everything you’ve been holding together suddenly crumbles and spills all over the floor.
Missing you tremendously.
Thinking of you never-endingly.
Loving you immensely.
Wishing for your presence constantly.
Sending you kisses and cuddles.
Dearest Angel son xxxx
Friday 9th October
I do try to keep myself busy, go for daily walks, keep on top of the chores and paperwork, but honestly, when I stop for a moment, I am thinking of you.
Sometimes I feel guilty if I’m laughing at something or smiling when speaking with another person.
I think someone else might catch a glimpse of me showing displays of happiness.
Guilt.
Because I shouldn’t be happy, should I?
You’re not here.
You’re my Angel in heaven now.
Outwardly I’m trying to carry on.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you.
My heart holds you constantly, and you are in my thoughts permanently.
Every time I pause, you are there with me.
Invisibly holding hands.
I am coping.
Sort of.
And if I’m coping, I’m allowed to smile every once in a while.
Aren’t I?
It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten, I’ve moved on without you, or I’ve stopped thinking about you.
I loved you then.
I love you now.
I will always love you.
Forevermore.
But it’s hard.
Because I do miss you so very much.
Fly high
Sweetie Pie.
xxxxx
Thursday 8th October
“For the rest of my life
I will search
For moments full of you.”
Moments…..
Memories…..
We didn’t have a tomorrow.
But we had yesterday.
And so many yesterdays.
Good, bad.
Happy, sad.
It doesn’t matter.
Now, there’ll be no more
Memory making.
No new adventures.
No future stories to tell.
But, you lived.
A part of us for thirty years.
Thirty years of yesterdays.
Yesterdays filled with fun.
So I try and remember
With a smile.
As I search for moments
Full of you.
(Thirty weeks today.)
Love you to the moon and back.
And all the world.
Beloved Angel son xxxx
New flowers today
The Journey of My Left Foot (whilst remembering my son) 