Monthly Archives: October 2015

The grieving heart

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Sunday 11th October

“I am the loneliness of the tree as she
loses her falling leaves………
……… I am the love without end
I am the grieving heart.”

That first line.

The crisp, golden-brown leaves are now beginning their downward spiral as the autumn winds gently shake the branches to loosen the hold of those colour changing, confetti-like leaves.

All around your place of rest, the ground is strewn with crisp, brown leaves. Once detached from it’s branch, that’s it. There’s no going back. The leaf can only fall to earth. Maybe not directly, being picked up by the wind and tumbled along. But ultimately it’s flight path or destination is irreversible.

Each leaf falls independently, alone, but then they land on the ground, together.

You, my darling, have fallen from our arms, there is no possibility of reversing that fact. I have lost you. But you are together in heaven with your great-grandparents, grandfathers and aunt.

And I am left with a grieving heart.

Love you beautiful boy.
Forever with me.
xxxxx

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Not a day goes by

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Saturday 10th October

“Not a day goes by
that I don’t think of you
and smile.
Or cry.
Or both.”

Such is our life now that we really are on a rollercoaster of emotions.
One moment feeling light and just about ok.
And then, almost at once a heavy weight of sorrow comes crashing towards you, almost knocking you sideways.

Happy, sad.
Smiling, crying.
Coping, failing.
Calm, confusion.

It doesn’t take but a minute to switch between the two opposing states of emotions.

The sweet sadness of your memory elicits both smiles and tears at the same time.

And it is so hard to face the world each new day, without you, knowing that at any moment the mask might slip, and everything you’ve been holding together suddenly crumbles and spills all over the floor.

Missing you tremendously.
Thinking of you never-endingly.
Loving you immensely.
Wishing for your presence constantly.

Sending you kisses and cuddles.
Dearest Angel son xxxx

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Every time I pause

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Friday 9th October

I do try to keep myself busy, go for daily walks, keep on top of the chores and paperwork, but honestly, when I stop for a moment, I am thinking of you.

Sometimes I feel guilty if I’m laughing at something or smiling when speaking with another person.
I think someone else might catch a glimpse of me showing displays of happiness.
Guilt.
Because I shouldn’t be happy, should I?
You’re not here.
You’re my Angel in heaven now.

Outwardly I’m trying to carry on.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you.
My heart holds you constantly, and you are in my thoughts permanently.
Every time I pause, you are there with me.
Invisibly holding hands.

I am coping.
Sort of.
And if I’m coping, I’m allowed to smile every once in a while.
Aren’t I?
It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten, I’ve moved on without you, or I’ve stopped thinking about you.

I loved you then.
I love you now.
I will always love you.
Forevermore.

But it’s hard.
Because I do miss you so very much.

Fly high
Sweetie Pie.
xxxxx

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Moments full of you

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Thursday 8th October

“For the rest of my life
I will search
For moments full of you.”

Moments…..
Memories…..
We didn’t have a tomorrow.
But we had yesterday.

And so many yesterdays.
Good, bad.
Happy, sad.
It doesn’t matter.

Now, there’ll be no more
Memory making.
No new adventures.
No future stories to tell.

But, you lived.
A part of us for thirty years.
Thirty years of yesterdays.
Yesterdays filled with fun.

So I try and remember
With a smile.
As I search for moments
Full of you.

(Thirty weeks today.)
Love you to the moon and back.
And all the world.
Beloved Angel son xxxx

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New flowers today

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You are loved

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Wednesday 7th October

I came across a written note, in a card to us, from one of the carers at the stables. You loved working with the horses and going out on hacks.

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Out on a hack in the sunshine

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Collecting rosettes at a gymkhana

(It has taken me a long time to go through all the many, many cards that we received when you gained your Angel wings. A number of them are filled with thoughtful and compassionate words. The messages are lovely, but they do bring a tear to my eyes. People loved you so much. You made such a great impression on so many. And they miss you being a part of their lives.)

This is what she wrote:

“I absolutely adored Frank, the time we spent together at the farm was always filled with so much fun and laughter.
He could turn the worst day into something bright.
His sense of humour and quick-witted replies will be greatly missed in the farmhouse.
Quite honestly it will never be the same again.”

Such sweet and heartfelt sentiments.
But that was you.
You had such a loving, caring and mischievous personality.
And you knew how to have fun.

We miss having you here with us.
Love you forever.
Precious horse rider.
Darling Angel.
xxxx

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Your horse watching over you

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Never the same

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Tuesday 6th October

And you, my dear son, certainly did leave footprints on our hearts.

And we, and our lives, will never, ever be the same.

Nothing will be the same as it was.
Outwardly it may seem so.
But all has now changed.
A smile on our face belies the hidden sorrow……

So much left to do.
So many plans.
So many places to take you.
So many experiences to share with you.

Now, we’ll take you with us, in our hearts.
For that is where your footprints left deep impressions.
We’ll travel together forever.
We’ll hold your invisible hand as we go exploring once more.

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Frank and statues outside the Customs House, Key West

We did have such fun, with magical travels to beautiful destinations.

We miss you so very much, and wish you were still here with us.

Love you forever my sweet Angel.
xxxx

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We just knew we were having fun

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Monday 5th October

“We didn’t realise
We were making
Memories
We just knew
We were having
Fun.”

Six years ago today my father passed away from pancreatic cancer. It was officially diagnosed that summer, whilst we were visiting him in South Carolina, but he had been feeling ill for some months.

He lived an extraordinary life, coming into contact with royalty, prime ministers, actors, union leaders, professional golfers, rock stars, cowboys, jazz musicians ……. the amazing list goes on and on.

His story began in Surrey, England on February 4th 1932.
We didn’t call him Dad, Daddy or Father. To his three children, (and everyone else for that matter), he was always know as Hank. (Although at school, his nickname had been Buster).
He was educated at Sutton Grammar School, evacuated to Windsor during the war, and then joined the RAF College at Cranwell.

For several years he flew at the Farnborough Air Show with his Blue Diamonds Aerobatic team (Hunter jets), also travelling all over the world with them, flying at air shows and gala events.

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Lightnings and Thunderbirds

He then moved on to the English Electric Lightning with 92 and 56 Squadrons. He had many postings to Cyprus and Malta during these times.

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Hank foreground, 56 Squadron

In 1966 he was part of the team of sixteen Lightnings who flew in a tribute flypast over the launch carrying Sir Winston Churchill’s coffin up the River Thames at the end of the State Funeral.

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Hank, fifth from left

Hank was presented with the Air Force Cross for Distinguished Service by the Queen at Buckingham Place in 1966. This was awarded to Hank for bringing the fleeing Shah of Persia (Iran), to England.

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Hank escorting the fleeing Shah out of Persia

In 1967 he was posted to Singapore, for two years, where he became the second-in-command of the three British Armed Services. Our family had some terrific experiences and holidays in the Far East. It was where I began my high school education.

Upon his return to the UK in 1969, he reformed 43 Squadron at RAF Leuchars in Scotland.

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Hank. Phantom. 43 Squadron

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Hank shadowing a Russian 'bear'

It was during this time that HRH Prince Charles was taken on a two hour, supersonic flying sortie with Hank in a Phantom fighter-bomber. The flight included an air-to-air refuelling exercise with a Victor tanker, taking on 1200 gallons of fuel. They flew as high as 40,000 feet and as low as 1000 feet, making a pass over Balmoral, (reported at the time, as an ‘extrovert flourish’).

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Hank instructing Prince Charles

During his time in Scotland he received the Bar to the AFC at Holyrood Palace, Edinburgh. This was bestowed upon him by The Queen Mother.

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Hank with AFC and bar

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The Queen's birthday flypast

In 1972 Hank made the decision to leave the RAF, travelled to Camper Nicholson in Portsmouth, bought a yacht and sailed himself across the Atlantic.

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Crossing the Atlantic in Western Union

Since then he spent many happy years sailing though the Islands from Venezuela to Chesapeake, in and around Bermuda, and across the Pacific from the Marquesas to New Zealand.

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Rum Raisin in Bermuda

During the late seventies he bought a ranch in Durango, Colorado and rekindled his love of skiing. At that time he was driving a black and gold Pontiac Trans Am and flying a Queenair Beechcraft to the Grand Canyon, Palm Springs and Santa Monica.

However, his passion for sailing soon returned and he again found himself travelling up and down the East Coast of America.

During the last fifteen or so years of his life, he made North Myrtle Beach his port, leaving every now and again to visit Tobago, the Virgin Islands, Bermuda, Venezuela and the Keys.

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Wild Blue in the Keys

Throughout his life, Hank had a passion for golf, playing courses all over the world, from Spyglass Hill, Pebble Beach; Troon in Scotland; Wentworth in Surrey, to the Singapore Island Country Club, where he regularly played with Lee Kwan Yew, the then Prime Minister of Singapore.

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Contemplating the 'gator at Tiger's Eye Golf Course

Whilst in North Myrtle Beach, he was part of a group of golfing buddies who played three times a week in and around North and South Carolina. He treasured their friendship enormously.

Hank was always a gracious host on his sailboats (Western Union, Rum Raisin, and latterly Wild Blue), taking friends on wonderful, day-sailing trips on the ocean.
We also became ‘boat gypsies’ for our summer holidays, and joined him wherever his yacht happened to be anchored. We had some marvellous sailing adventures together. We were so lucky.

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Wild Blue in Tobago

He had a great love, knowledge and appreciation for gourmet food, as well as an appropriate, fine wine to accompany it. Hank was always an excellent “sommelier” at dinner parties with close friends.

Few people knew of his great artistic ability with oil or watercolours, or of his talent as an actor, having appeared in several local commercials.

Hank was not one to verbalise his own talents, but he was totally dedicated and passionate about anything he endeavoured to do.

His free spirit could best be described by lines from a novel by John Berendt. Hank was the “Cosmos Mariner” ~ “Destination Unknown”

(Taken from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil: John Berendt is talking to Miss Harty while they drink martinis in the cemetery:

“Aiken [Conrad Aiken] loved to come here and watch the ships go by,” she said. “One afternoon, he saw one with the name Cosmos Mariner painted on the bow. That delighted him. The word ‘cosmos’ appears often in his poetry, you know. That evening he went home and looked for mention of the Cosmos Mariner in the shipping news. There it was, in tiny type on the list of ships in port. The name was followed by the comment ‘Destination Unknown.’ That pleased him even more.”)

Hank made many long-lasting acquaintances worldwide; from those in the RAF, the USAF and CAF; to the sailors, golfers and many who became part of his wide circle of friends.

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Hank and I

Miss you Hank.
Give Frank a great big hug.
xxxxx

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Franks' flowers today

So very much

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Sunday 4th October

And we loved you so very much.
We love you still.
We will love you forever.

Just wanted you to know that.
That we’re thinking of you.
We never stop thinking of you.

Missing you today.
Missing you so very much.

Wishing you were still here.
Love you sweet Angel.

xxxx

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Miss you

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Saturday 3rd October

How can it be?
You’re not here with me.

It wasn’t your time
To leave us alone.

Life isn’t fair,
We all know that.

This wasn’t the plan
We had for you.

Tears and heartache,
But no regrets.

Your life was amazing,
Your achievements many.

You’ve left behind
A massive void.

But for thirty years
You were our son.

Smiling with you,
But crying alone.

Looking skyward
Searching for signs.

Just fly peacefully.
Angel of mine.

xxxxx

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Forever with me

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Friday 2nd October

“A part of me went with you
A part of you stayed with me”

So very true.
In fact a big part of me, went with you to Heaven, and I am left broken.
Incomplete.
Without you, nothing is as it was.
There are so many missing pieces.
So many silences.
So many spaces that will never now be filled.
Events that will never be.
Places we won’t see.
People who will never meet you.

And yet, part of you has stayed with me.
Your thirty years of fun, adventures, experiences, learning, smiles, tears, frustration, success, challenges…..
So many tales to tell.
No one can take those away.
So, so many wonderful memories.

Love you forever my sweetheart.
Blowing kisses to Heaven.
Beloved Angel son xxxx

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Sunny afternoon in the harbour (low tide)

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Quiet and calm at dusk (high tide)