Saturday 29th August
A piece of my heart certainly does live in heaven. It went there one hundred and seventy days ago; that fateful evening when you gained your Angel wings.
Miss you, sweetie pie
Up there, flying high.
Love you to the moon and back and all the world.
Love you more, forevermore.
xxxx
Friday 28th August
“Some days it can still sneak up on you
and take your breath away.
Grief never dies,
just like the love you once shared.
I miss my child….”
Today has been one of those days.
Tears have come far too easily.
I have felt sad for much of the time.
Thinking of you.
And realising how much we miss you.
How much love we still had to give.
Love you, always and forever.
My Angel son xxxx
Thursday 27th August
This morning your brother came up to see us, as he had a day off from work. He wanted to drive his old car to the garage to see if it was worth repairing, before selling it. We followed him, as his vehicle billowed out copious amounts of grey smoke, one stop light failed to work, and strange noises could be heard from under the bonnet.
Having deposited the car with the friendly garage mechanic, we went off to do some shopping, and stopped for our regular morning cappuccino. Your brother had an iced latte.
We then asked if he wanted to come with us, to visit you. I think he’s only been to the cemetery twice. (It’s not really his thing.)
And yes, he came to see you. He stood silently at your graveside. I do wonder what he was thinking. Remembering. Reminiscing. Recalling.
Australia 1991
We stayed for quite a while, talking to you. Telling you that your brother had come to see you. I wonder if you felt his presence close by? I do think he misses you. A lot.
Cornwall 2013
In the early evening, we went for a drink and a bite to eat with your brother and his girlfriend. We had a table upstairs overlooking the harbour.
The harbour this evening
They are off to Spain in October, then fly out to Thailand for seven weeks. They want us to join them in Spain for Christmas when they return. But we are unsure.
Our friends in America want us to go to the Keys for Christmas too. That is where we should have been last year, but it all was cancelled as you had started your chemotherapy treatment.
I just don’t know where we should go.
Anyway, we have all been thinking of you a lot today.
Miss you so very much.
Love you forever
Precious Angel son xxxx
Wednesday 26th August
We have been visiting Hilton Head Island for a number years. It became a stopping off point for our return journey from Florida back to the top of South Carolina, and we fell in love with the place.
We used to stay on South Forest Beach at a wonderful resort, with a pool and huge stretches of white sands.
We loved to explore as well, and always drove out to Harbour Town to find somewhere new to eat, to marvel at the boats, to eat ice cream, and to climb to the top of the lighthouse.
(These pictures are from two years ago this week.)
Lighthouse and open air theatre
View from the top of the lighthouse
You and Dad at the top of the lighthouse
View from the top of the lighthouse
But, close by to where we parked the car, there was a terrific tree swing. Well, more like a swinging bench. You loved it. The gentle rocking motion, in the shade of the enormous tree.
You and Dad on the swing
You. Reading. Relaxing.
Happy times.
Family fun.
Simple things.
Harbour Town swing.
Harbour Town rocking chairs
We are going to so miss those happy, care free times on holiday with you.
Love you, my happy little Angel.
xxxx
Tuesday 25th August
“I miss you a little.
A little too much,
a little too often,
and a whole lot more each day.”
Those words are so true.
We miss you more and more each day.
Wishing that things were different.
Whilst brushing away the tears.
Remembering all the good times.
Cherishing every moment we had.
Thinking about you constantly.
Sending you so much love.
If only…………
If only……
Sleep tight my precious Angel.
xxxx
Monday 24th August
“Search in your heart and you will find,
I am no more than one step behind.
I walk with you, but you don’t see,
But in your heart, you know it’s me.”
Sometimes I do think that you are walking along with us. I feel that you are there, as we talk about you, remembering how you would react to certain situations. Or we think about what you would say in response to various questions.
We are reminded of you daily as we look in the garden at your ever-growing sunflowers. They must be over nine feet tall by now. The flower heads haven’t yet opened, but it won’t be long. These are the seeds that you bought, telling everyone you were going to grow the biggest sunflower in the world, and they have really turned into giants. I so wish you could see them. Perhaps you can look down on them and smile.
Yes, you are still with us, in spirit, in my heart. But it makes me so very sad that you are not actually here in person.
I miss everything about you, and I always will.
Love you forever.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxx
Sunday 23rd August
I have been looking through a number of messages on my phone recently, and came across this one from a colleague.
He had attended your funeral service, and wrote to me later that day.
(138 days ago now. It seems a lifetime since then.)
I will treasure his words.
“I found this morning very difficult, which is of course an awful thing to say as no-one could have felt pain like you and your family. What came across is that the wonderful life that Frank enjoyed – albeit far too short – was down to you and Gary and Luke. You are a wonderful example of a family unit and I am sure that there have been some hard times, and yet your love has remained so strong.
Frank is now free and flying with the angels – maybe on horseback, maybe with the dolphins or maybe helping those children that he used to support. Though I never knew him, his life and your relationship with him is an inspiration for all parents.
My wife and I will give our three an extra big cuddle tonight. I am telling you that not to make you feel worse, but you must know the clear relationship between you and Frank is an example for Mums and Dads everywhere. We will aspire to be parents like you!
Thank you for being so brave and sharing everything with us at the service this morning – of course it was difficult, but it was an honour to be there and to hear the readings and to join in the singing. And of course the sunshine did you proud as well! All of our love and prayers are with you and Frank.”
Such beautiful words for our Angel son.
We miss him so very much.
Each and every day there are reminders of what he meant to us.
We love you to the moon and back and all the world.
Night night sweetie pie.
Love you forever.
xxxxx
Saturday 22nd August
It really is an exclusive club that we have joined.
And no, no-one asked if we wanted to become part of it.
The price is unbelievably high.
This is not the natural order of things. A parent isn’t supposed to bury their child. Never, ever did we think we would be members of this club.
And once you’ve joined, you’re there for the rest of your life.
The life that you once knew is no more. The plans you were making have disintegrated into a million pieces.
Your path has been ripped up and you’re transported to a parallel time, placed on a new road, but you just don’t know which way to go. The fog hasn’t cleared. There are no signposts. You want to move, but you’re unsure of the direction.
Limbo.
We’re caught.
Between before and now.
Between there and here.
Between past and present.
Between then and next.
Small steps.
Forward.
Onward.
We have memories.
And they are incredibly precious.
Thirty lovely years worth of memories.
Missing you so much.
Beloved son.
Angel child.
xxxx
Friday 21st August
Having a son in heaven really does change everything.
Had we not lost you, we would not have climbed Mount Snowdon, a couple of weeks ago, in memory of you.
So I’m still trying to raise awareness, in any way I can, of the awful disease that is testicular cancer.
Today there was a little write up in the local newspaper of our emotional achievement.
Doing something that is worthwhile, that is outside of our normal comfort zone, that gets people to notice, or start talking about testicular cancer, is what we were aiming for.
I hope we’ve done you proud.
We love you.
Forever young.
Forever thirty.
Forever our son.
Sweet Angel.
xxxx
Thursday 20th August
The overcast greyness that is our August ‘summer at the seaside’ continues. Families on holiday traipsing around the streets or valiantly setting up camp on the beach to build sandcastles or swim in the sea.
What a difference a sunny day makes to a tourist destination. Sunshine definitely puts a smile on peoples’ faces.
But it feels more like October today.
Cool, damp and misty.
The best part was going out for dinner this evening with your brother, his Spanish girlfriend and her sister. We haven’t seen your brother since before we went to Wales to climb Mount Snowdon. It was great to talk to him about our trek, and to share with him all our photographs. We spoke about you a lot. And how we miss you. How we miss you so very much.
Twenty three weeks ago today your brother flew home from Spain. You and Dad drove to Bristol to collect him from the airport. Feeling very tired when you arrived back home, you went for a lie down in our bed.
And you never woke up again.
I remember that evening as if it was just about to happen all over again tonight.
So unexpected. Unforeseen. Unbelievable.
That we were all together on that final day, is something for which I am ever thankful.
I have so much love in my heart for both of my boys.
But you have left such a massive void in all of our lives. There is so much unspoken sadness, grief and desolation.
Love you always.
Both of you.
Living son.
And
Angel son.
xxxx
The Journey of My Left Foot (whilst remembering my son) 