Sunday 24th January

I might be smiling
But I’ll never forget you.
You may catch me laughing
But you’re there, in my heart.
I’m making plans
But I’m taking you with me.
I’ll keep on keeping on
In your honour, in your memory.

I exist now, teetering on the edge:
The edge of then and now,
The edge of before and after,
The edge of together and apart.

Two emotions occurring together:
Hopefulness and heartache.
Delight and despondency.
Happiness and sadness.
Pleasure and pain.
Joy and sorrow.

I think of you, and I smile,
Then, all at once, I’m sobbing.
I recall an event, and chuckle,
Moments later, anguish.

A public mask, a private melancholy.

The new normal of coping without you.

I love you baby.
Missing you like crazy.
Beloved son.
Forever young.

xxx xxx

Saturday 23rd January

“Shoot for the moon
Even if you miss
You’ll land among
The stars.”

I came across a photograph of you with Kelly Holmes, when you were about ten years old, taken at your junior school.
She is now Dame Kelly Holmes, and a double Olympic gold medallist.

I don’t think you really knew who she was then; an athlete who was touring schools to promote sport and a healthy lifestyle.
But I remember you were fascinated by this twenty-five year old lady who ran for a living.
Most often, strangers made you feel uncomfortable: you would hide, or go and find something else to do, like engrossing yourself in a book.
With Kelly Holmes, you asked all sorts of questions, not your usual shy self, at all.

You and Kelly Holmes

Kelly Holmes signed a photograph for you

Love and miss you so very much.
Are you running around having fun, my Angel?
Blowing kisses to you in heaven.
xxxxx

Thursday 21st January

“grief only exists
where love lived
         first”

Every morning when I awake
I look upon your smiling face.
Your photograph is close to me.
But all I feel is an empty space.

Excitement is not what it was.
Grief is always in the shadows,
Biding its time before a strike,
Where and when, no one knows.

The pain stops you in your tracks.
In the midst of cheerfulness: boom.
Painful emotions and floods of tears,
Fill the atmosphere with gloom.

Yet, the anguish is there for a reason.
Our love for you was so immense,
Your loss is just so indescribable,
Our love was unbelievably intense.

So, every night before I close my eyes
I look upon your smiling face.
Your photograph looks back at me
Sending love from a higher place.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Love you baby.
Missing you so much.

Another Thursday.
Forty five weeks.
Three hundred and fifteen days.

Precious Angel son
xxxxxxxxx

Tuesday 19th January

“Every child is an artist”

I came across a couple photographs of you, painting, in your arts and crafts sessions. You loved to scribble, draw, colour and paint. I think you found it relaxing and enjoyable.

Painting a rainbow

Glass painting

A decorated ceramic F

A tie die pillowcase you made

Sweetheart

Frank standing on his rainbow

Standing in front of your artwork

Your artwork on display

So there we are, a small selection of your artwork. Very primitive and childlike, but they’re yours and you had fun being creative.
I really must collate your many drawings and paintings.

Anyway, yesterday was a bit of a daze:
Your first heavenly birthday.
I felt as though I got through, just barely.
I functioned, but wasn’t really aware.
I thought about you all the time.
Thirty birthdays we celebrated together.
Such fun we had, now just memories.

Love you forever.
Missing you always.
Precious Angel son.
xxxxx

Saturday 16th January

“and tonight,
I’ll fall asleep with
you in my heart.”

When I do fall asleep tonight,
I know you’re there in my heart.
For that is where I care for you,
So we’ll never, ever be apart.

In the silent sadness of my dream,
You appear with hands held out.
A great big smile, twinkling eyes,
You’re with me, I have no doubt.

Our hearts beat with each other,
Together again is where we’ll be.
My sleepy head upon the pillow,
I’ll be loving you, unconditionally.

I miss you, my Angel.
Love you forever.
Beloved son.
xxxxx

Friday 15th January

“The snow is crisp
The stars are bright.
I spread my arms and I take flight.
Wings fluttering as I fly,
up into the evening sky.”

As the temperatures fall, and reports of snow are given on the news channels, I am reminded of your first time playing outside in the white stuff.

You were two years old, it was 1987 and we were living in Devon.
One morning we woke up to find the garden was covered in snow.
You had such a lovely time touching, squeezing and stamping footprints on the ground.
A beautiful smile lit up your face: you were mesmerised by this new experience.

You are my Angel snow baby.
Flying high in the evening sky.
I love you sweetheart.
I miss you so very much.

xxxxx