Category Archives: cemetery

Dec15

You think you have time………

Posted on December 15, 2015 by MeRaw

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Tuesday 15th December

“The trouble is,
you think you
have time.”
~ Buddha

Never in a million years did we think
We’d be facing Christmas without you.
You were just there, always, and forever.

And yes, we thought we had it all.
All the time in the world, together.
To keep on keeping on, as a family.

“The trouble is, you think you have time”
The unmentionable never happens.
To you. To us. To our lives.

And when something comes along,
Like an out-of-control juggernaut,
Your plans are wiped out in an instant.

Hopes and dreams just disappear.
All that is left are the memories.
And memories mean everything now.

Here you are with the Laughing Buddha
Along with Dad and your brother.
Singapore, 1992, Haw Par Villa.

Haw Par Villa, or Tiger Balm Gardens, Singapore

Such simple, carefree, happy times.
Would that Buddha was smiling on you,
And had spared you from all the pain.

We wish we had more time with you.
We wish we didn’t have to let go.
We wish you were with us still.

Love you sweetie.
Beloved Angel son.
Now in heaven.
My precious one.

xxxxxxx

Dec14

Heaven calls for you

Posted on December 14, 2015 by MeRaw

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Monday 14th December

“For the hardest thing
I’ve ever had to face,
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me.
When you get there
Save me a place.
A place where I
Can share your smile.
And I can hold you
For more than just a while.”

I came across these words today, and I thought of you.
I wish heaven hadn’t called for you, before it did me.
It is just not the correct order of things in this life.
A parent should not outlive their child or children.

I think of you, each and every day.
I blow kisses to heaven for you.
I love you to the moon and back,
Around the stars and planets, too.

My sweet Angel child.
My precious baby.
My darling son.
xxxxx

Dec13

Just saying your name

Posted on December 13, 2015 by MeRaw

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Sunday 13th December

“Just saying your name”

Frank.
Frankie.
Frankie Dude.
Frankie Doodles.
Frazz.
Frazzle.
Frazzmo.

Sometimes just saying your name
Brings tears to my eyes.
Sometimes just hearing your name:
I stop. I’m paralysed.
But I need to hear your name.
I know I always will.
But I need to speak your name.
You are with me, still.

Love you forever,
Beloved son.
Always in my heart,
Forever young.
Moon and back,
Dearest one.

xxxxx

Frankie Angel for the tree

Dec12

Nine months an Angel

Posted on December 12, 2015 by MeRaw

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Saturday 12th December

December the twelfth.
Well here we are,
Nine long months,
A twinkling star.

This time last year,
Treatment had begun.
None knew the pain,
That was to come.

Your growing cancer
Was unrelenting.
Aggressive and silent,
So overwhelming.

Blood transfusion,
Chemotherapy,
High dose steroids,
Pumped intravenously.

Tired all the time,
No appetite.
Hair falling out,
Poor little mite.

We held you close,
At your bedside.
Positive thinking.
We really tried.

Your fragile body,
Put up a great fight.
But in the end,
Angel wings took flight.

I miss you now,
As I did then.
My heart is broken.
Tears fall again.

Love you so much,
Sweet Angel son.
Til I see you again,
Forever young.

xxxxxx

A reindeer for you xxxx

Missing you every day xxxx

Dec11

Smiling down

Posted on December 11, 2015 by MeRaw

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Friday 11th December

“I know you’re in
Heaven smiling down”

I think that’s what is keeping me together at the moment.
Knowing you’re in heaven.
You always said you wanted to go to heaven, and not the other place.
You made it, I’m sure.
And you’re smiling.

Aboard Rum Raisin, Bermuda, 1994

And here you are smiling down on me, on the prow of my father’s yacht: a cheeky grin, and a big wave for the camera. (I’m not sure your brother was as enthusiastic though, looking slightly uncertain there). I was cast adrift in the tender to take some photographs as you all sailed majestically past.

It was the first ever time we, as a family, had gone to stay with him, on board. Our first yachting holiday to Bermuda, the start of so many fun adventures.

We didn’t really know what to expect, we took far too much luggage, including snorkels, flippers, lilos, beach umbrella, sun tent, ice box……. It’s a miracle the boat stayed afloat with all the extra weight of us four and our belongings.

Rum Raisin cutting through the waves

Rum Raisin truly was a great yacht, with its black hull and red sails; a veritable pirate ship.

You did have a lot of fun on that holiday, even though you left the drinking water tap running all day on our first sail out of The Cut. Never mind, we found a marina later that afternoon, and filled up with fresh water. I thought my father would be very cross, but he accepted it as one of those things. Children, eh?

Rum Raisin from the clifftop

When not sailing, we visited the beautiful Crystal Caves, the busy Swizzle Inn, Horseshoe Bay and Elbow Beach, as well as the capital, Hamilton and the Royal Naval Dockyard.

We spent an amazing three weeks cruising on the azure blue sea, dodging a passing hurricane, sailing past the spectacular QE2, watching a round-the-island speedboat race, and you boys behaving yourselves with your grandfather.

Such superb, seafaring memories.

Fly free, My Angel.
My Love, fly high.
It’s ‘see you later’,
It’s not, ‘goodbye’.

Love you forever.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxxxx

Dec10

Missing my Angel

Posted on December 10, 2015 by MeRaw

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Thursday 10th December

A festive wreath for your resting place,
Tinsel and baubles tied with love.
Santa Claus and a red robin too.
Are you smiling down from up above?

Standing beside you as it gently rains,
We wish we had your hand to touch.
Then we could so quietly whisper,
That we love and miss you very much.

Jingle bells around your wooden cross,
Gently tinkling as the wind does blow.
My heart is broken, tears are falling.
Why was it the time for you to go?

I’m missing you, my sweet Angel,
Missing you each hour of every day.
Your laugh, smile, and naughtiness,
I love you more than words can say.

It’s Thursday.
I remember.
I miss you.
I love you.

xxxxx

Dec9

The memory of a life well spent

Posted on December 9, 2015 by MeRaw

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Wednesday 9th December

“The life given us by nature is short,
but the memory of a life well spent
is eternal.” Cicero

A life well spent?
Of that I’m sure.
Around the world
On one big tour.

Fun and laughter,
A terrific education.
New experiences
Whilst on vacation.

Happy families
Traveling together.
Making memories
In sunny weather.

Here you are with Kenneth the Pan Man, at Cascreole Restaurant in Castara, Tobago in 2002. We had anchored my dad’s yacht out in the bay, and come ashore in the dingy to find somewhere for lunch.

As we were sitting on the rooftop of this restaurant a man sets up his steel drums and plays for us, then offers to teach you how to play ‘Twinkle, twinkle little star’. How honoured did you feel? You felt so good at being able to have a go on the steel drums, and as I remember, you were pretty good at it too.

Having finished our lunch, we spent time on the beach, snorkelling, swimming and making sandcastles. Such lush, tropical surroundings, crystal clear seas, with the coconut palms growing on the beach, leaning over the waves. Paradise.

Dreams and memories of happy times.

Blowing kisses to heaven.
Love you forever.
Sweet Angel son.
xxxxxx

Jingle bells for you xxx

Love you xxx

Dec8

In response to ‘Everything and Nothing’

Posted on December 8, 2015 by MeRaw

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Tuesday 8th December

“Yes, you can laugh. He’d want you to.
You can do whatever you want to do.
You can cry, you can wail,
Whatever it takes to nurture your frail.
You can question, you can ask,
For however long this pain lasts.
You can scream, you can yell,
Until you run out of stories to tell.
You can share, share with us all,
Show us how much it hurts to fall.
So thank you, thank you for You,
For sharing your heart, and being true.”

This poem was written for me by fellow blogger http://lonerloaner.com following yesterday’s post from me, ‘Everything and Nothing’.

I absolutely love the poem, even though on first reading I’ll admit it did make me cry.
It’s just so beautiful and an amazing, kindhearted gesture.
Such generous compassion.
So thank you LonerLoaner, from the bottom of my heart.

And I will continue to write, to tell of the stories and memories of my son, to share my pain and heartbreak to all who will listen and read.

I do so miss you, baby.
Love you sweetie pie.
Thinking of you always.
Dearest Angel son.
xxxxx

Dec7

Everything and Nothing

Posted on December 7, 2015 by MeRaw

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Monday 7th December

“What’s the matter?
I smile and say ‘Nothing’.
Then I turn around,
And whisper ‘Everything’.”

Nothing,
and Everything
Is the matter.
Both at the same time,
Or all at once,
Together.

I might be smiling,
But I’m missing you.
I may be laughing,
(is that allowed?),
And wishing you were here.
Right now.

I’m making plans
Except I’m leaving you out.
I’m still breathing
But you’re not.
Your photograph,
Wishing you’d spring to life.

So yes, Nothing.
And Everything.
What I would give
For Nothing to matter
And Everything
Back as it was.

………………………

Two hundred and seventy one days ago you gained your Angel wings.
It’s eight months today since your funeral.
Two hundred and forty four days since we laid you to rest in the cemetery that we visit on a daily basis.

Today we tidied up your resting place, removing your name structure, and the petunias. Time for a bit of a sweep up. There are so many leaves, twigs and branches being blown about; it was dry but incredibly windy.
There is still more to do, but we’ll be back tomorrow my sweetie, don’t worry.

……………………

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about my phone call this evening. My melanoma trials nurse rang to let me know the results of the CT scan I had a couple of weeks ago ~ all is clear, I’m NED again ~ No Evidence of Disease.
So Everything is ok.
Is it?
Nothing to worry about.
Would that that were true.
See you in six months time.
As I move into Year Three of the Combi-Ad trial.
I wish it had been this easy with you.

Nothing.
And
Everything.

You are my Everything, and Nothing will change that.

Loving you like Nothing else matters.
Missing Everything about you.

Forever young.
Sweet Angel son.
xxxxx

8th April 2015

8th May 2015

8th June 2015

8th July 2015

6th August 2015 (On 8th August, we were climbing Snowdon for you.)

8th September 2015

8th October 2015

8th November 2015

Today

Dec6

Truly believe

Posted on December 6, 2015 by MeRaw

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The Polar Express

Sunday 6th December

Tonight as I was preparing dinner, I was half watching The Polar Express on the television in the kitchen.

You and I used to watch this film together every year; you knew I liked it, and would remind me what day it was on, and at what time. It is a magical story, and one to which we could both relate; whether it was the main character struggling with his belief of Santa Claus, or the quiet, lonely boy, shyly making friends and accepting presents, or the parents who fail to hear the sound of the bell.

The bell still rings for me, for you.
I truly believe you are with me, now and always.
I can’t see you, but I know you’re there.

I love you so much.
I miss you more than ever.
Treasured Angel son.
xxxxx