Category Archives: Brother

Every day

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Wednesday 25th November

“Do I miss you?
Every day.”

After much deliberation of shall we, shan’t we, ummming and arrrrring, we decided to get away for a few days.
And so here we are, in Lisbon.

We left Exeter yesterday afternoon, and stayed overnight in an airport hotel in London.

We have come to visit with your brother and his girlfriend. He has wanted to see us for a long time now, and had pestered us into flying out for a few days.
His girlfriend lives in Spain, two hours East of Lisbon.
You would have liked to travel with us, never having been to Spain or Portugal before, and it is only a quick two hour flight from London.
But we have brought you here, with us, in our hearts forever.
And the Angel teddy bear came out with us tonight for tapas and a beer.

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Angel teddy in Lisbon

I somehow feel guilty coming away without you, leaving you behind.
But you are with us, aren’t you?
And my sister will be visiting your resting place, tending the flowers for us, for you.

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Your flowers today

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Love you so very much my darling.
xxxx

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A little ‘Ta Dah’ moment

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Sunday 1st November

I don’t know, perhaps I’ve been feeling a little sad these last few days, and can’t seem to shake off the miseries.

And then, this afternoon, whilst we were walking around the harbour, I hear from my younger son and his girlfriend who are holidaying in Malaga, Spain. They are having a lovely, relaxing break, enjoying the coast and warm weather. It was good to talk with them, to lighten my mood.
Then a few photographs began to appear on my phone, and this one made me smile.
A ‘Ta Dah’ moment from my son:

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Ta Dah. Malaga, today.

So, we decided to send our own ‘Ta Dah’ pictures back to him:

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Ta Dah. Dad, on the slipway, today.

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Ta Dah. Me, on the slipway, today.

When we came home, of course I had to find a ‘Ta Dah’ picture of you.
This one was taken on one of our visits to the Islands of Adventure, in Orlando, and you were ‘Ta Dah-ing’ the view across to Dr Doom’s FearFall:

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Ta Dah. You enjoying Islands of Adventure.

All smiling, happy faces.
As it should be.
I hope you’re smiling up in heaven.
Ta Dah, my darling little Angel.

Love you to the moon and back.
And all the world.
Love you more.

xxxx

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Love you. Miss you.

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Blue sky and Autumn leaves

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Your favourite colour.

Cannot be taken from you

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Monday 19th October

“In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.”

And some of those infinitely precious things are the memories that we have of you.

I came across this photograph the other day of you and your brother, along with myself and my mum. You were five or six years old then.
We were on our Christmas holiday in New South Wales, Australia, and had driven to Pebbly Beach in Murramarang National Park.

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Pebbly Beach, NSW

We had read about this beach in guidebooks, but wanted to see if was true that kangaroos actually lived there on the sands. (Some say that the kangaroos supposedly go surfing, but I think that is taking things a little too far.)

I remember driving down a steep and narrow, winding, bumpy track, eventually parking the car and walking over the grass towards the beach.

And yes, we did see a large group of kangaroos, and some were very tame, allowing themselves to be petted and fed apples.
You and your brother thought this was quite magical, seeing these animals in their natural habitat, and not just on the television or in a zoo. You were not afraid, and did touch the fur of one of these marvellous creatures.

From then on, one of your favourite story books became ‘Dot and the Kangaroo’, written in 1899 by Ethel C Pedley. You loved the whole series, and collected not just the books, but the toys and videos too. (The books are still upstairs in your bedroom.)

So, sweet dreams my Angel, as you play in the outback with Dot and the Kangaroo.

Miss you.
Love you.
xxxx

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Hold you in my heart

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Thursday 15th October

Reading through the many cards that were sent to us when you went to heaven, the words here uplift the spirits, despite the trials and tribulations we faced bringing you up.

“We have watched you over the last thirty years to be the most amazing, caring, loving parents to Frank.
We will never understand the difficult times you have been through and the struggles you have faced, but we have seen you support Frank through them all.
You truly have been amazing parents.”

Having Asperger Syndrome, Pierre Robin Syndrome and moderate learning difficulties, your behaviour was at times, incredibly challenging.
That is what made the love within our family so intense. You were extremely hard work, and massive amounts of patience and tolerance were needed. Not just from us, but from your brother, too.

A short anecdote…….
The family who wrote those words in the card have two daughters, the same ages as you and your brother. I used to give extra mathematics tuition after school to the elder girl. This must have been when you were aged about thirteen or so.
Anyway, one afternoon, she and I were sitting at our kitchen table, working through some algebra problems, when you came in and asked to have a particular video to watch on the television. I asked you to wait until I had finished my hour’s session, then I would find it for you.
I’m afraid you didn’t have the patience to wait.
You filled up a glass of water from the tap, poured it over my head, and left the room.
I have never felt so embarrassed and speechless; I didn’t know where to look. I think I just mopped up the water on the table, and carried on as if nothing had happened.
Looking back it seems quite amusing now, but oh my goodness, you could be a little monkey at times. Anything to shock and outrage to gain attention, that was you all over.

And so we had to become strong parents to try and guide you to make sensible choices, to tone down your behaviour in social situations, to give you knowledge of the wider world, but still to have that sprinkling of mischievousness about you, that made you so unique, endearing and loving.

For thirty years, the circumstances and obstacles we faced, with the intense and profound love we have for you, has made your loss that much more tortuous and harrowing; so, so difficult to handle and accept.
You were our child who never properly grew up, part of us for three decades. You needed us, and we needed you.

We’ll love you forever.
And I’ll hold you in my heart,
Til I can hold you in my arms.
Sleep tight my Angel.
xxxx

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Your lovely smile

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Key West sunset, sweetheart.

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A cheeky grin

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Your flowers today

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Cemetery sunshine

Remember

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Monday 12th October

Seven months.
It’s seven long months since you went to bed, fell asleep and didn’t wake up.
Seven months in heaven.

No more chemotherapy.
No more surgery.
No more peripheral neuropathy.
No more scans.
No more sickness.
No more testicular cancer.

But there is no more you.
And that hurts so much.
Just memories and moments in time.
Reminders and remembrances.

And we will keep on remembering, talking about you, telling everyone about your life. Taking you with us, wherever we go, from now on, firmly ensconced in our hearts.

Seven months ago, you had driven to Bristol airport, with Dad, to pick up your brother. He was returning from Spain, having spent time with his girlfriend.
Well, yesterday he arrived back there, having spent two days travelling. Not by plane this time, but car and ferry. Quite an arduous journey by all accounts.
I know your brother misses you greatly, even if he is quiet and doesn’t show much emotion. But he cared about you deeply, and you have left a huge void in his life, too.

So, seven months.
And we do remember the laughter.
The smiles.
The love.
All we do is just remember.

We all love you so very much.
Beloved son and brother.
Precious Angel xxxx

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Missing you today

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Thursday 1st October

Well, after many journeys back and forth, we finally helped your brother to move out of his flat. (Big sighs of relief all round.) It certainly did look very clean and tidy when we left it. (Even though he will have to pay a extra day’s rent for being one day over his tenancy.) You would be shaking your head by now, tutting and tapping the floor with your foot, whilst knowingly shaking your head. I can just hear you saying, “I told you so”.

Anyway, this afternoon we went to visit Nan in her new care home, and she seems much happier and very much settled in. Your brother was most impressed with the view of the sea, especially when a couple of paragliders floated past.

Having said our goodbyes to Nan, we came to see you. Did you feel your brother’s quiet presence? He doesn’t say much, but I know he misses you a great deal.

Sending love and kisses to Heaven, from all of us.
We miss you so very much in each of our own ways.
And I know you are forever in our hearts and thoughts.

Love you sweetheart xxxxx

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You are near

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Wednesday 30th September

Well, for the last two days, we have been frantically helping your brother to clean up and clear out of his flat. He is going to Spain to be with his girlfriend.

And you would not have been impressed with his organisation. He leaves everything to the last minute, so all is crammed into a couple of days of non-stop cleaning, lifting, shifting, packing, disposing.

I know you would have given him a piece of your mind! You would have everything sorted weeks before the vacating date. All would be just so, properly checked, with a sensible routine for getting things done in a timely fashion.

You would be telling him off if you saw us with the carpet cleaner, or washing windows at nine o’clock tonight.

Still, all should be finished tomorrow, thank goodness.

All the time that we were busy, I was thinking of you, and where you would be, or what you might have said.
You are in my mind constantly.
You are in my heart forever.

We miss you so very much.
We love you to the moon and back.
Dearest sweet Angel son.
xxxx

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Looking up

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Friday 18th September

I do find myself looking up to the sky, imagining that you are up there, somewhere. Are you smiling back? Would love to think so.

Facebook gave me a reminder today of a photograph I had posted of you, from five years ago today. You are looking up at us, from the swimming pool below our hotel room in North Myrtle Beach.

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Happy days.
Family fun.
Simple things.
Best times.

We have been out to dinner again with your brother tonight. (His girlfriend is still in Spain, with her mum, who began her chemotherapy treatment today.)
We talked about you.
A lot.
We all miss you so very much.
We told your brother about your wonderful sunflowers, and the amazing height to which they have grown.
Walking home, the sun had just set, and the sky was very clear, looking up we could see a pretty crescent moon, low in the sky to the west.

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As I look up I think of you.
I know you’ve gone, but I hope your spirit can see us, can read our thoughts, and feel the love we have for you.

Missing you like crazy.
Sending so much love up to you.
Blowing kisses to Heaven.
Dearest Angel son xxxx

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Your memory lingers

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Friday 11th September

“In our hearts your memory lingers,
Sweetly tender, fond and true,
There is not a day that goes by
That we do not think of you.”

We have dinner tonight with your brother, as it was his day off. We sit by the window, watching the boats bobbing around in the harbour as the rain lashes down onto the pavement. There are still many tourists around, so we were lucky to have the table at the front of the restaurant.

We talk of you fondly, remembering you would order nachos from the menu with a lemonade, or you may have had the Big Kahuna Burger, like your brother ordered, probably followed by a chocolate brownie. We do miss you so very much. Three around the table just does not seem right; four of us is what it should be. Mum, Dad and two boys.

But it is not to be.

You are with us in spirit, for sure.
All around us, forever more.

Miss you.
Love you.
Sweet Angel child xxxx

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Sailing 2001

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Saturday 5th September

In the summer of 2001 we flew into Charlotte Amalie airport on the US Virgin Island of St Thomas, to meet up with my father. He had decided that we should join him for three weeks of sailing around the British Virgin Isles. His 42′ Beneteau was comfortable, and had enough room for the five of us (Dad and I, you and your brother, and my father).

Our first few days were spent at Jost Van Dyke, with incredible sugar-white sand and welcoming beach bars. One afternoon a flotilla of charter yachts arrived, and on-board one of these was quite an incompetent crew; thinking they had secured the anchor, they went down below. A few moments later, their yacht was headed on a collision course with ours. Lots of shouting, quick thinking and use of a spinnaker pole and fenders, soon had the situation under control, with the wannabe sailors looking very red-faced indeed.

A few days later, there was another incident from the same group of sailors. We were relaxing in the stern of our yacht, when a tender casually floats our way, unmanned. My father caught it and tied it up to his yacht. It was quite some while before the flotilla skipper came round, thanked us for looking after it, and then returned the dinghy to the hapless crew.

From Jost Van Dyke we sailed over to Soper’s Hole on Tortola, and then to Road Town. The buildings, the people, the food, the music were all so incredibly colourful and full of fun and energy. In the Pusser’s Rum store you were fascinated by the large stuffed tiger.

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Frank and tiger. Pusser's Rum. Tortola.

We anchored off Norman Island for a few nights, with marvellous caves for snorkelling and swimming. Just around from the caves, in a wonderful bay, was the terrific Billy Bones Beach Bar. We managed to secure a mooring and took the tender ashore to have some food and drink. As a welcome, we were all given rum punches. I think you grabbed three or four from the tray, before anyone noticed. I remember you did enjoy them. Our waitress was called Candy, and I think she took a real shine to you.

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Frank and Candy. Billy Bones Beach Bar

Next to Norman Island is Peter Island, with the most magnificent stretch of white sandy beach. Having anchored the boat, we all jumped overboard, and swam for the shore, playing about in the surf.

Our next stop was to be Marina Cay, and we arrived here in a sudden squall of heavy rain, obliterating all sight of land, but we managed to anchor safely, and the skies soon cleared. One afternoon we climbed to the top of this island where you found a library full of interesting books, (I think it was a room in the original house owned by Robb and Rodie White, who had bought the property in the 1930’s. He wrote the book, ‘Two on the Isle’.)

After Marina Cay, we headed over to Spanish Town on Virgin Gorda, and stayed in an actual marina for a few days, hooking up to air conditioning was an absolute luxury. One of our memorable days out from here, was to the Baths. Huge granite boulders cluster together to form grottos and spectacular pools. We clambered over the smooth surfaces, grappling with rope ladders, to reach the amazing Devil’s Bay. The snorkelling was superb. You and your brother enjoyed jumping and diving off the rocks.

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At the Bitter End Yacht Club, where we anchored for almost a week, your brother had windsurfing lessons, and you splashed about in the club’s swimming pool. We wandered around the beaches, the clubhouse, and marvelled at the super-yachts alongside the dock. A calm and peaceful place to chill out and truly relax.

On our way to this last anchorage, we were sailing quite a way out from the shore, and my father rigged up some fishing lines from the back of the yacht. Miraculously, or so I thought, we caught our dinner. A good sized tuna. Your brother managed to jump across, into the tender, which we were towing, and unwrap the line that had caught around the propeller. You had to show off your strength, and picked the fish up by its tail. My father gutted it, and we had a barbecue that night of freshly caught ocean tuna. Absolutely perfect.

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This really was an awesome holiday. If it became too busy anywhere, we’d pull the anchor up, and sail to somewhere quieter. Both you and your brother enjoyed the swimming, snorkelling, sailing, watching shooting stars, fishing, beachcombing, windsurfing, and wakeboarding (my father had bought a wakeboard to tow behind the tender. It certainly was great fun.)

A lifetime ago.
But such precious memories of you, and the incredible times you experienced.

Love you, my happy Angel.
Sailing sunny shores with your grandfather now, I’d like to think.

Missing you like crazy xxxx

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