Saturday 25th June
Seconds, minutes, hours
Days, weeks, months.
Over a year has passed
Flying by so very fast.
Numbness, heartache, pain
Loss, grief, sorrow.
So much sad emotion
So much love and devotion.
Memories, thoughts, stories
Nostalgia, recall, musings.
Many reminders of you
Filled with a love so true.
Affection, fondness, care
Love, hope, tenderness.
We gave you all we could
Dedication was understood.
Love and miss you always.
Precious Angel son.
xxxxxx
Sunny harbour
Wednesday 16th March
When the sun shines
I miss you.
When the wind blows
I miss you.
When the waves crash
I miss you.
When the rain falls
I miss you.
When the birds sing
I miss you.
As the days pass
I miss you.
So many reminders
That spark memories.
And it will always be so.
But memories are heartening.
What would life be
Without those precious times?
The sun will still shine
The wind will blow
Waves crash upon the shore
Rain will fall
Birds sing their songs
Day after day after day.
And each should bring a smile.
Wistful, bittersweet.
But the memories are there.
They are testament
Of a life well-lived.
Affirmation of you.
Love you forever.
But missing you so much.
xxxxxxx
A sunny corner in the harbour today
Saturday 12th March
You’ve been gone from our lives
Exactly a year.
And we miss you so much
My darling, my dear.
On this day last March
You fell asleep
And joined the angels
Leaving us to weep.
As I gently held
Your still-warm body,
You passed from this world
To the next, so softly
Tomorrow never came,
For my precious one.
Tears have fallen
For my beloved son.
Twelve long months,
And the plans we made,
Have now been shelved,
But memories don’t fade.
One year in heaven,
We love you still.
We speak of you often,
And always will.
And every day of that first year has been a first…….
This is the post I made for 12th March 2015 . . . . . . .
I leave for school early, and my husband follows soon after with my son, to drive to Bristol to pick up our younger son, returning home from Spain.
They text me throughout the day to update their progress.
I end the school day with a Year 10 parents evening, so do not arrive home until 5:30pm.
They boys get back home soon after seven. It’s been a good day out, but everyone is a bit tired.
Younger son goes back to his flat, and elder son decides to take himself to our bed for a little sleep, until we are ready to go to bed. He likes his cuddles.
He says he is tired, and doesn’t really want to eat.
I watch a bit of television, then round about ten o’clock I get his night time medication ready.
Going into the bedroom, I see him lying on his tummy, as usual. Snuggled under the duvet.
I call to him.
No response.
I pull the covers back a bit, and he feels warm, but he is face down.
I pull his shoulder around and notice one side of his face looks a bit bluey purple.
He is not breathing.
His eyes look strange.
I shout to my husband.
I pull my son right over on his back.
I start mouth to mouth.
I shout to my husband to call 999.
I begin chest compressions.
Back to mouth to mouth.
The operator on the end of the phone tells me to put my son of the floor.
Keep going with the chest compressions.
He counts with me.
The ambulances are on the way.
I keep counting with the chest compressions.
The first paramedic arrives, and tells me to keep going with the chest compressions.
He sets up the defibrillator.
Nothing.
A tube is put down my son’s throat, and fluid is sucked out.
His lungs are filling up, because he is not breathing.
Two more paramedics arrive, and take over from me and my husband.
They keep on with the chest compressions.
Three shots of adrenaline are pumped to his heart via the chest line.
It’s not working.
Nothing is working.
My son is slipping away.
There is nothing more they can do.
He is gone.
No life left.
Our younger son arrived back at our house at this point.
He is utterly heartbroken.
A policeman comes into the house soon after.
Because it is an unexplained death, there are procedures to follow, and questions to answer.
My son is soon carefully lifted off the floor, and gently placed in his own bed.
I cover him with his duvet to keep him warm.
I hold his little hand tightly in mine.
I try to keep him warm, but his face is now really cold.
I stroke his cheeks and kiss him.
The colour has drained away.
Almost a waxy, creamy, white.
I go and get his hat.
He always slept wearing one on his head.
The back of his neck is still warm, as I pull the hat over his hairless head.
I cannot comprehend what has happened.
I talk to him.
Telling him to wake up.
Willing him to return.
Wanting him to hold me.
Pleading for him to open his eyes.
I’m still holding his hand, trying to keep him warm.
I cry silent tears.
His small little body could take no more, and his tiny heart stopped beating.
I know there are two men waiting outside to take him away.
They suggest I leave the room.
But I can’t.
I want to see that he his looked after.
And they do treat him with the utmost dignity and respect.
Making sure he is still wearing his hat.
They open a white body bag on the floor and carefully place my son inside.
I hold his hand for as long as I can.
Slowly the zip is closed over him, and then he is gently lifted onto a stretcher and strapped in place.
Another cover is pulled over, and then he is taken downstairs.
We all walk outside as he is put in the coroner’s van.
I touch his body again and say goodbye, goodnight.
He is driven away just after half past one in the morning.
I cry and cry and cry.
I cannot sleep.
I can feel him in the house with us.
When we do eventually go to bed, we put his dressing gown between us.
We try to hold onto him.
To keep him close.
Sleep peacefully my darling.
I miss you so very, very much.
We love you with all our hearts.
A breezy, bright day at Gwithian
Looking towards Godrevy lighthouse
Frankie Angel Bear came with us
My darling son
Saturday 27th February
During an autumn school holiday when we were living in Australia, we spent some time in Mount Gambier, SA.
It was here that we came across Fairy Tale Park, a delightful and unique family attraction set in large gardens.
You and your brother both loved exploring all the fairy tale tableaux, with castles, bogeymen, princes and princesses, and many nursery rhyme characters.
A sweet and gentle time
With no worries, no fears.
A childhood fairy tale,
For those young of years.
Missing you.
Love you forever.
My fairy tale Angel son.
xxxxxxx
Fairy Tale Park, near Mt Gambier, SA. April 1991
Sunday 21st February
I’ll miss the fun we used to have,
All the smiles, the laughs we shared.
Chasing around like little kids,
Nothing else could be compared.
I’ll miss the fun we used to have,
Travelling to all the different places.
New cultures, food and destinations,
With big smiles on everyones’ faces.
I’ll miss the fun we used to have,
Exciting times, adventures new.
Theme parks and rollercoasters,
Posing beside the Egyptian statue.
I’ll miss the fun I had with you.
I’ll miss everything we used to do.
Love you forever.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxxxx
Outside the Revenge of the Mummy ride, Universal Studios, Florida. 2007 and 2013
Saturday 20th February
I thought of you and smiled, despite the sadness.
It’s what you did to people.
You made them smile.
Almost every morning you would wake up, come bounding into our room, and ask the question: “Where are we going today? What are we going to do?”
We had so many happy family days out in the local area.
You liked being outdoors, and enjoyed having fun in the children’s play-park.
Swings, slides, seesaws, ziplines and flying kites; you had so much energy, and played like a big kid at heart.
May 2002, with dad, your brother, auntie and cousin. 17 years old, and enjoying fun and games at the park
April 2002. A ride on the chairoplane, at a local theme park
We all miss your delightful spirit and vitality. You made us go out and about, exploring, breathing in fresh air, taking risks, being healthy and smiling.
Always smiling.
I miss your smile, sweetie.
I miss your laughter.
I miss your get-up-and-go.
I miss the fun times we used to have together.
Love you dearest Angel son.
Thinking of you, and smiling.
xxxxxxx
Wednesday 17th February
“Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb but how well you bounce.” Tigger
In January 1992 we had a fabulous holiday to Forster, on the north coast of New South Wales, Australia. Staying in a holiday park, we spent days on the beach, swimming in the ocean, walking along the lake shores, visiting the fun fair, and having a go at fishing.
You, your brother and Dad had bought little fishing rods, and spent a morning baiting, casting and trying to catch ‘Jaws’. I can’t remember any fish being caught, but your brother did hook an octopus, and brought it to shore. Dad didn’t know what to do with it; the octopus was quite a large specimen. A number of onlookers became rather excited, and a bidding war began, between a couple of men, one of whom owned a restaurant.
I think your brother enjoyed his fishing that morning, being able to walk away a few dollars to the good, probably spending some in the afternoon at the fun fair.
At our holiday accommodation, you both made friends with other children on vacation, and had fun on the tennis courts, and the trampoline. You very much enjoyed getting rid of excess energy, bouncing away with your brother.
Such a happy, carefree time.
Are you up there, bouncing on the fluffy, white clouds? I bet they are great for jumping on, across, and through. I can just imagine your big grin, with arms and legs flying wildly in all directions.
Love you so much my darling.
Missing you always.
My bouncing little Tigger.
xxxxxxx
Forster, NSW, January 1992
Saturday 6th February
“If there is a
heaven
for me,
I’m sure
it has a
beach
attached
to it.”
~ Jimmy Buffett ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Wandering along the beach
Lost in your own little world
Underneath your arm
A book is tightly furled.
Your brother would be surfing
Bodyboarding in the ocean
But you would take no notice
As reading was your passion.
That summer we’d stopped
At Daytona Beach in Florida
With cars driving on the sand
This, our annual trip to America.
The speedway and its museum
Were really quite fascinating
Programming noise simulators
High octane engines pulsating.
Are you still walking along
The beaches up in heaven?
The breeze through your hair
The sand in your toes, I reckon.
Goodnight, my little wanderer
May you walk the shores forever
One day I’ll bump into you
And then we will be together.
Love you, beach boy.
Missing you every day.
xxxxxxx
Wandering along the beach at Daytona
At the speedway museum
Saturday 30th January
“Your smile makes me smile.”
When I look at your smile
I stop for a little while.
I pause to remember
The memories so tender.
All the fun and laughter
Experiences sought after.
Finding unique adventures
Giving many pleasures.
To see a great big grin
Much happiness within.
Meeting Homer Simpson
Was that day’s ambition.
Missing you like crazy.
Thinking of you daily.
Safe within my heart
We’ll never be apart.
Keep on smiling, Angel
As long as you are able.
I’ll smile along with you
Our love forever true.
xxxxx
15 August 2010. Universal Studios, Florida
Monday 25th January
“Don’t tell me how
educated you are,
tell me how much you
have traveled.”
As a family we have been so very fortunate to be able to travel to many destinations around the world.
Your first flight in an aeroplane was to Hong Kong (in 1990), where we stayed for just over a week, en route to Australia, where we were to live for two years. You were five, and your brother was three years old.
During our time in Australia, we flew to Canberra, Sydney, Brisbane and Townsville on different holidays.
We were lucky enough to be able to make use of military transport aircraft: Melbourne to Sydney in a Hercules C130, sitting in very basic webbing seats, was certainly an experience.
On our way back home to England, we had a week’s stop off in fabulous Singapore. (1992).
The next holiday was to the island of Paxos, just south of Corfu. (1993)
Then began our many years of summer holidays with my father, on his yacht.
Sailing around Bermuda, Tobago, British Virgin Islands, then up and down the east coast of America, from South Carolina to Key West in Florida.
We certainly do love to travel, and have been blessed with very many opportunities.
The amazing experiences that you encountered really added to your global education.
From swimming on the Barrier Reef, to walking through rainforests, from eating authentic Chinese food in street markets, to watching a snake charmer, from watching NASCAR races to drag boats, from swimming with dolphins to taking a cable car to the top of the Schilthorn to eat in the revolving restaurant.
We have had so many adventures, been so privileged to be able to take our boys to so many different places.
Adapting to new languages, cultures, food, scenery, animals, schooling, friends, climate, currency, almost became second nature, and you took it easily in your stride.
I’m glad we were able to take you with us to so many diverse destinations.
My Angel traveller.
Darling son.
Flying high.
xxxx
A day trip to Land's End, Cornwall, signposting to our previous home in Victoria, Australia
The Journey of My Left Foot (whilst remembering my son) 