Category Archives: Testicular cancer

May26

Dad’s op

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Tuesday 26th May

This morning your Dad had to go to hospital for an operation to remove a cataract. It was straightforward, and all went well, but I had to sit in the foyer waiting. A couple of hours, watching the comings and goings of staff and patients. And I thought of you all the time.

This was the hospital where you had your first CT scan, and they found the brain tumour, sending us off to the bigger hospital as a medical emergency. That was back in November 2014.

So many ‘What if…’, ‘Why…’, ‘I wish…’ and ‘If only…’ thoughts were going round and round my head.

I was pleased when I was eventually called to go and collect your Dad, and we were able to drive away. Our next stop was to come and see you, but Dad forgot about the instructions the surgeon had given, and when he bent down to touch your cross, a sharp pain was felt behind his eye. He swore, then apologised to you for his bad language. You would have told him off.

Dad sat down for a while and held his head back, allowing the pain to go. It was peaceful, bright and sunny in the cemetery, and the sound of songbirds filled the air. We simply like being near you, talking and tending to the flowers.

Tears flow as we think of what might have been. If only………

Lovely boy.
Sweet Angel.
xxxx

May24

Fundraiser Day Two

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Sunday 24th May

So there we were again, standing at the front of the store, selling raffle tickets (terrific prizes), and trying to raise awareness of the awful disease (testicular cancer), that claimed your life ten and a half weeks ago.

So many mixed emotions. So many people who knew you want to help our cause. For the most part we are able to keep these emotions in check, and talk about you and what we’re doing. And yet sometimes, the mask slips, and we just can’t help a few tears.

We stand at the front of the store for most of the day, again my sister comes along to help out, and my mum too. I think we have raised a considerable amount of money in your name, over the weekend. I hope people also took notice of the cause, the charity Checkemlads, with this type of cancer becoming less of a taboo subject, and certainly more talked about between young men aged 16 to 35 years old.

Having packed away all the display material and collecting buckets soon after four, we go to visit you in the cemetery. There a young family, whom we know by sight, are visiting the graveside of their daughter who died aged eighteen, ten years ago today. She would be the same age as your brother. We share a few hugs and tears, with a realisation that the pain never leaves, and then we walk up to your resting place. We talk to you, we hope you know we are close by, and we tell you we love you so, so much. And we miss you. We miss you every single minute of every single hour, in every single day.

xxx

May23

Fundraiser Day One

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Saturday 23rd May

So here we are, the first day of raising awareness of testicular cancer, and money for the charity Checkemlads, in memory of you. We didn’t really want to get up and get going this morning, as the whole reason for this fundraiser is your passing.

The hurt is still so raw, you are in our thoughts constantly, so many reminders all around that make us catch our breath, or shed a tear.

Many people gave their condolences and spoke of you, saying they missed seeing you walking around the town or beaches.

We had a big life-size photo of you placed on a pillar, and it was as if you were watching over the proceedings. I do wonder what you might have been thinking. I hope we have done you proud.

We escaped for a couple of hours when my sister took over the selling of the raffle tickets. We left the noisy, crowded supermarket and came to see you. The cemetery was peaceful, with the sun trying to break through the mist. We talked to you, and cried for you, and told of our love for you.

Our emotions seem to rollercoaster up and down of their own accord. In one situation we put on brave faces, speak of you and our adventures together fairly easily. But when we are alone we fall to pieces. The world just seems to come to a halt, and we don’t know where we are going. We cannot see the way forward. Without you.

We remain with you for quite some time, return home to freshen up, then drive back to the supermarket to continue selling tickets and talking about you.

At the end of day one, we have raised a considerable amount of money. Hopefully tomorrow we’ll do the same all over again.

Your legacy is going to be amazing, but I still wish you were here.

I miss you.
I want a cuddle, a hug, a smile, an ‘I love you’.

xxxxx

May22

Preparing for tomorrow

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Friday 22nd May

We have spent much of the day preparing for your fundraiser tomorrow.
And we have so many bittersweet feelings.
We are doing something good in your memory.
But we really wish it was not so.

I wonder what you would have thought?
All this fuss, just for you.
Maybe you would have shied away.
But we feel we need to raise awareness of this awful disease.

We miss you my darling.
The pain is permanent.
Love you forever.
Beautiful son.
Angel baby.

May21

Betty

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Thursday 21st May

Ten weeks.
Seventy days.
Thursday has come round again.
And you have a new neighbour.
Betty.

You used to love play-acting, role-play, drama, pretending to be someone else. Sometimes you would be a little old German lady, a loud, shouting Chinese man, a Scottish granny, or West Indian Rasta man. You liked to think you spoke the lingo, with demonstrative gesticulations. One of your favourite names for an old granny was Betty: Bettieeeeeee, you would say over and over again.

Well, today she was buried next to you. A lady called Betty laid to rest. A spray of beautiful orchids had been taken from one of her wreaths, and gently placed in front of your cross. A tender gesture.

Another Betty with whom you identified was Betty Boop. You made a point of searching her out when we visited Islands of Adventure in Orlando. Many a time you would queue up for a kiss. And she did seem to fuss over you for a little longer than anyone else. She certainly did make you feel loved.

And we sure loved you with all our hearts.
Fly high with Betty.
Laugh, giggle and have fun together.

Darling Angel son xxxx

May20

Remembering ~ Good times #3

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Wednesday 20th May

We have been asked out to dinner by an old primary school teacher of yours. She taught you when you were seven years old: twenty three years ago, wow. And she still remembers so much about your time in her classroom.

One of the after-school activities I signed up both you and your brother for, was Disco Dancing. A dance teacher came in once a week, and you learnt all sorts of complicated routines. About fifty children, almost all in sync, danced away for a couple of hours in the school hall. It was so good for your balance, motor skills, discipline and memory.

And you had such fun! You were the first boy in the school, over the years to gain Bronze, Silver and Gold medals, followed by the Blue Ribbon, (International Dance Teacher Award). I remember Chain Reaction by Diana Ross, the Lambada by Kaoma, Saturday Night by Whigfield, and Eye of the Tiger by Survivor.

Once a year you took part in the dance exam, jostling for space with all the girls getting dressed up, made up, glittered up, and there you were in your PE kit, ready to go on and perform.

You loved pop music, and were forever listening to hits on You Tube.

One of the last memories I have of you and your music, is when you came into the room, holding your tablet with one hand, the other, swinging in the air, whilst wiggling and sashaying to Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie. You did make me smile.

I miss hearing your music. I miss your knowledge of songs and names of artists. But really, I just miss you xxxx

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May19

I really miss you

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Tuesday 19th May

Today I had a follow-up telephone call concerning grief counselling.
It has been decided that I will attend a four week, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy course, called Stressless.
It is a talking therapy, that tries to help you change the way you think and behave, to treat your depression and anxiety.
I don’t know if it will help me, but at the moment I’ll give anything a go.

All I know is…

I
Just
Miss
You
So
Very
Much.

Everything would be fine if you were back here, living your life, carrying on as normal, and we were taking care of you.
But now, our lives will never, ever be the same again.

Sweetheart.
You certainly made our lives so enjoyable, and right now, we just don’t know how to adapt to your not being here with us.

Love you.
Missing you.
Thinking of you all the time.

xxx

May18

More roses

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Monday 18th May

Whilst drinking a cappuccino this morning in our local supermarket, an elderly gentleman, whom we have gotten to know over the years, just came up and handed me a bouquet of coral roses.
A lovely, random act of kindness.
He’s a real East Ender this man, he just said “For you”.
He wanted to let me know he was thinking of us, as he had often seen our son with myself and my husband. It was a very thoughtful gesture, and tears welled up in my eyes.

The roses were almost the same colour as the ones we left on your grave yesterday.
It seems as if this gentleman knew, with a sort of sixth sense, the exact colour to buy.

Despite considerable wind and rain overnight, all the flowers we have placed with you are looking beautiful, especially Nan’s roses.

I just wish you were here with us, now, forever.

Missing you so very much xxxx

May17

Nans’ roses

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Sunday 17th May

We collect my mum from the care home, take her shopping, and then have afternoon tea together with my sister.
We then tentatively ask whether she would like to visit you in the cemetery. She hasn’t yet been to see you since you passed away; we thought it might be too much for her. With tears in her eyes, she says she would very much like to see where you are laid to rest.

We buy some beautiful roses and drive her to you. Walking on the grass, up to your resting place, tears begin streaming down her face. Her elder grandson: she loved you so very much. It is upsetting for her, but you are in such a tranquil place, we all feel the peacefulness and closeness to you.

The roses looked absolutely stunning and incredibly resplendent; a pink and coral burst of colourful hues.
We spend time in reflective silence, just thinking about you.
We wish we didn’t have to come here to see you. We wish you were still part of our family life.
You were taken far too soon, and none of us was ready.

We’ll see you tomorrow, lovely boy.
Missing you like crazy.
And no one can comprehend the depth of our grief.
Love you, angel son xxxxx

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