Tuesday 10th November

I really needed a bit of cheering up today. I needed to smile. And then I came across a set of photographs of you, after you had taken part in a trampoline competition.

You really enjoyed your trampoline sessions: they built up your core strength, you learnt to be part of a team, you developed a sense of discipline and patience, as well as remembering the set routines you had to perform

You were so proud and pleased to receive an award for sixth place, out of quite a large number of participants. This improved your self-esteem quite markedly.

And then you got a fit of the giggles. You couldn’t stop laughing and joking about, all the while, tightly holding onto your certificate.

The hilarity of the trampoline certificate.

Such a silly, funny, happy face.
Such innocent, untroubled times.
Your smile certainly does make me smile.
I love you so very much.
And I miss you unbelievably.

My sweet treasure.
My darling Angel.
My son.
xxxx

Monday 9th November

“You can’t see
me or touch me,
but I promise you,
I’m sitting here
next to you.”

………….

It’s windy my boy,
But I still go,
To stand beside you,
With head bowed low.

So, are you there,
Dearest Angel son?
Right next to me,
My evanescent one.

New flowers today,
For your resting place.
But it’s difficult to keep
The tears from my face.

Looking up to the sky,
My heart beats double.
For it’s then I sense,
Your invisible cuddle.

Love you sweetheart.
Missing you like crazy.
xxxxx

New flowers today.

A windy beach this afternoon.

Saturday 7th November

“That moment you need someone,
but they’re in heaven………..and
so, you cry instead…”

I just really needed you here today,
You can’t be, so there’s nothing to say.

Standing beside you, I started to cry,
I don’t know the reason, nor the why.

Graveyard grief and cemetery sorrow,
I’ll love you forever like there’s no tomorrow.

Pausing here in the late, autumn sun,
Sadly conceding you’ll be forever young.

Love you sweetie pie.
Missing you so much.
Precious Angel son.
xxxxx

Friday 6th November

Although your home is now in heaven
And I can no longer feel your touch,
I know that you can hear me when
I tell you I’m missing you so much.

We bought you a little dreamcatcher
To twirl and dance and catch the light.
We placed it there, next to your horse
It says ‘Special son’ in copper bright.

I hope that when we do both dream
We are together, and no longer alone.
For deep in my soul, I have to believe
Your heart now beats within my own.

Tears fell down my cheeks today,
Gone are the times that we can share.
I look to the sky and make a wish
Knowing that you’ll always be there.

Waiting, for that first day after forever,
When I know I’ll see your smiling face.
I’ll hear your voice and laughter too
Together, eternally in a special place.

I love you sweetheart xxxx

Twisting and turning in the rays of the sun, My special son, my Angel, beloved one.

Thursday 5th November

Bonfire night.
Remember remember
the fifth of November.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that date.

For it was on that day last year that you were admitted to hospital for overnight observation following days of sickness and headaches.
We had put it down to your fear of possible surgery, as you had been to the doctor, the Accident and Emergency department, and had had a couple of appointments with a urologist over the previous few weeks.
This was all because you had complained of a pain in your testicle, so surgery was a possibility if a lump was found.
For three consecutive days we took you to the local doctors’ surgery and were given anti-sickness pills and painkillers.
Your situation didn’t improve, so on the afternoon of the third day, Bonfire Night, we took you into hospital.

My little sweetheart.

You didn’t complain, make a fuss, or moan.
We all thought you were going to be made better by the doctors and nurses.
But ‘observation’ is all that happened.
No tests were carried out, just normal checks on blood pressure, temperature, pulse and oxygen saturation levels.

So, little did we know what lay in store.

The pain.
The suffering.
The heartbreak.

I'll hold you in my heart

If only…….
I wish……..
Perhaps……..
What if……..
Maybe……..
Why……..

I truly believe that you should have had a scan, on this hospital admittance, or many days prior.
The headaches and continuous vomiting should have flagged up serious concerns.
The tumours in your lungs and brain would have been identified, and treatment started, that much sooner, whilst you were perhaps stronger.

Hindsight………

And now you’re my darling little Angel, who gained his wings far too soon.

And I miss you more and more each day.

Love you always.
My darling son.
Angel baby.
Forever young.

xxxxxx

Tuesday 3rd November

“I think we dream
So we don’t have to be apart for so long.
If we’re in each other’s dreams,
We can be together all the time.”

Such a lovely sentiment.
But, I already know we’ll be together for the rest of our lives.
In my heart, and in my dreams, too.
I can close my eyes, and see you smiling.
I just wish that when I open them, you were standing here, in front of me.
But that is not to be, so I’ll just have to dream to see you now.

Whilst we were out shopping this afternoon, we began to think of Christmas presents for friends, and were passing a shop that had a large display of Steiff teddy bear ornaments, hanging on a silver tree.

And then I saw one.
And smiled.
And I just knew I needed to buy it.
For me.
For you.
A little teddy bear Angel.
So sweet.
So you.

My Angel xxxx

So now, wherever we happen to go, I will take this little Angel with me.
And we can be together all the time.

Love you so much my darling.
In my dreams, always.
Forever young.
Angel son.
xxxxx

Monday 2nd November

Missing you, my lovely boy,
Wishing things could change.
It doesn’t get any easier,
Knowing you’re not here.

Life goes on for others,
They cannot feel our pain.
But I’m always thinking of you,
Each and every night and day.

With a smile upon my face,
But tears within my heart.
And that is where you’ll stay,
Forever beating in my heart.

Love you Angel.
Flying high.
xxxxx