Category Archives: brain tumour

Nov28

I miss you so much

Posted on November 28, 2015 by MeRaw

Saturday 28th November

On this date last year, we found out the extent of your cancer. Not only lung tumours, but brain tumours as well. Such an awful day. I remember it as if it happened yesterday.
This was the day when you were admitted to the hospital, and your treatment began.
This was the day when I spent two nights sleeping in a chair beside your bed…………
How I wish we could turn back the clock, and change the course of events……..

But here we are…..
And there you are……

We travelled to Seville this morning, and have spent the rest of the day exploring the old town, the cathedral, gardens, and ended up somewhere in a bar, down an alleyway, watching an authentic flamenco show.

Old historic town of Seville

Seville oranges

Our hotel in the historic old town

Balconies, mosaics, ironwork

Palm trees and blue sky

Seville old town

In the plaza for lunch

Angel bear and beer ~ of course you're with us

Narrow streets

The town hall

Beautiful architecture

Seville cathedral

Inside the cathedral

Seville cathedral

Pink walls and Jasmine flowers

Interesting alleyways

Orange trees grow everywhere

Narrow walkways and shops

Fabulous tree trunk

Magnificent doorway

Narrow walkways

Shops and restaurants

You are always with us

Busy Saturday night

White and yellow

Narrow streets

Midnight people

Your brother and girlfriend enjoying an evening cocktail

Love you so very much my darling.
Missing you like crazy.
Wish you were here with us.
xxxxx

Your flowers today

Nov27

You never leave my mind

Posted on November 27, 2015 by MeRaw

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Friday 27th November

This morning we explored the old city of Badajoz , where your brother’s girlfriend lives. So many narrow streets, terracotta tiled rooves, and castle battlements, plus the sky was an amazing azure blue. A very pleasant November day.

The rooftops of Badajoz

Plaza Alto

The rooves of Badajoz

Plaza Alto

Narrow streets

Graffiti on the walls of old Badajoz

Balconies and wrought iron work

The house where we are staying ~ as blue as the sky

The house

Lemon trees in the garden

Palm tree in the garden

And of course, you are with us too.

We miss you so much.
It would have been wonderful to have you here with us.
Exploring, new adventures, experiences, people, foods, language.
You would have a great time.
Love you forever.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxxx

Nov26

Miss you everyday

Posted on November 26, 2015 by MeRaw

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Thursday 26th November

Today was spent exploring the old city of Lisbon, and climbing to the top of Castelo di Sao Jorge. Spectacular views of the rooftops, churches and river beyond could be seen. It was an exceptionally clear, blue sky day, and much warmer than normal.

We took the little Angel teddy bear with us, so you could be there too. I think you would have liked to explore the castle. There was even a tour guide dressed up in a suit of armour complete with metal helmet.

Angel teddy on the battlements of the castle

Looking out across the city

Angel teddy at the Castelo de Sao Jorge

Inside the castle walls

On the battlements again

Peacocks in the castle grounds

After the exploration of the castle we took a tram ride around the city, through steep, narrow cobbled streets. We saw many restaurant and cafe tables on the pavements, sheltered with large parasols, tuk tuks weaving in and out of the traffic, and of course many tourists enjoying the unseasonably warm, sunny weather.

Lisbon tram

Tram coming down the cobbled street

Our morning libation, complete with ice cream

You would have loved the ice-cream ~ kiwi and rum raisin.

Late afternoon saw us leaving the city and heading east to your brother’s girlfriend’s house across the border in Spain. A wonderful sunset accompanied us, followed by the rising of the full moon.

I wish you could have been here with us too.
I miss your fun and cheekiness as we explore new places.
You would have loved the sights, sounds and smells of Lisbon.

Love you my Angel.
Sleep tight darling.
xxxxx

Your flowers today

Nov25

Every day

Posted on November 25, 2015 by MeRaw

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Wednesday 25th November

“Do I miss you?
Every day.”

After much deliberation of shall we, shan’t we, ummming and arrrrring, we decided to get away for a few days.
And so here we are, in Lisbon.

We left Exeter yesterday afternoon, and stayed overnight in an airport hotel in London.

We have come to visit with your brother and his girlfriend. He has wanted to see us for a long time now, and had pestered us into flying out for a few days.
His girlfriend lives in Spain, two hours East of Lisbon.
You would have liked to travel with us, never having been to Spain or Portugal before, and it is only a quick two hour flight from London.
But we have brought you here, with us, in our hearts forever.
And the Angel teddy bear came out with us tonight for tapas and a beer.

Angel teddy in Lisbon

I somehow feel guilty coming away without you, leaving you behind.
But you are with us, aren’t you?
And my sister will be visiting your resting place, tending the flowers for us, for you.

Your flowers today

Love you so very much my darling.
xxxx

Nov24

Hope

Posted on November 24, 2015 by MeRaw

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Tuesday 24th November

“Hope….
Sometimes that’s all you have
when you have nothing else.
If you have it, you have everything.”

Today I travel to the hospital where I had the lymphadenectomy, two years ago this month. The lymph nodes at the top of my left leg were removed, as the cancer had spread from the original mole, The Alien Blob, on the top of my left foot. This is my month 24 check up on the Combi-Ad trial, for the adjuvant treatment of stage three malignant melanoma.

My first appointment is with the dermatologist, and she spots a Basal Cell Carcinoma on my lower left back that needs to be removed, so we’ll organise a date for that later. She wanted to do it there and then, but I have other appointments to attend today.
Time to get dressed.

Next I go and see my lovely trials nurse to be weighed, blood pressure, pulse and temperature taken. I also fill in a Quality of Life survey. Hmmmmmm.

From there we head down to x-ray for a CT scan of my thorax, abdomen and pelvis. After a fairly long wait, I’m called through, cannula and contrast inserted, and the imaging starts.
Time to get dressed.

Having finished that delightful experience, I can now have something to eat ~ no food is allowed four hours prior to the scan.

My final stop is with the oncologist, all seems well, and I don’t need to be seen for six months.
Time to get dressed.

So there ends my month 24 visit. Careful monitoring, checking and scans, keeping vigilant, a good deal of crossing fingers, and hope, and then I can breathe easy.

So that was my day, my darling.
We came to see you early this morning, before we set off.
For some reason Dad and I both broke down, and sobbed.
So many thoughts going around our heads.
We miss you so very much.
If only…..
Why…..

It is late afternoon as we set off from the hospital and drive away; we have the light of the full moon to guide us.

Is that you up there, smiling down, wishing us well on our way?

We love you to the moon and back.
And all the world.
Around the stars
And all the planets.

Sweetheart Angel son.
xxxxx

Nov23

Never want to lose

Posted on November 23, 2015 by MeRaw

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Monday 23rd November

“Memories
A way of holding onto
the things you Love
the things you Are
the things you never want to
Lose”

And we have so, so many memories of you.
We will remember everything you love,
We will hold onto all the things that you are,
And we’ll keep on remembering,
Because we don’t want to lose those precious memories.

So, we’ll take you everywhere we go,
Safely wrapped within our hearts.
No matter what, you walk beside us.
And you’ll be there at night, in our dreams.

We miss you my darling.
Love you more than words can say.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxx

New flowers today

A Christmas robin decoration for you

Golden yellow

Nov22

Missing you, still

Posted on November 22, 2015 by MeRaw

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Sunday 22nd November

My baby, my child.
I thought of you
And then I smiled.

Lovely boy, sweetie pie
You’re an Angel
Up in the sky.

Pleasant chap, good lad
Now you’ve gone
I’m feeling sad.

Sweetheart, kind soul.
The emptiness
I can’t control.

Young man, gentle fellow.
No longer hear
Your morning ‘hello’.

Cute kid, nice guy
Was far too soon
To say goodbye

My son, little one.
Loved and missed
By everyone.

Love you forever
xxxxx

Big clouds and surf

Big clouds and boats

Big clouds and blue sky

The old lifeboat

The new lifeboat

Nov21

Someone who was once there

Posted on November 21, 2015 by MeRaw

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Saturday 21st November

“It hurts
every day,

the absence
of someone
who was
once there.”

On this date last year you had surgery to remove your left testicle following a biopsy where cancerous cells had been found. It was a long and wretched day for you, but we returned home hopeful that all the disease had been removed. We were told as much.

Little did we know what was to come.
The fight that you would put up.

And now,
All we have left are the memories of you.
Fabulous, marvellous, amazing memories.
But that’s all they are.
Memories.

No new memories will be made.
All the plans we were discussing.
When I think what might have been.
Your absence hurts so very much.

So now I hold you in my heart.
And treasure all those memories.

Thinking about you always.
Missing you constantly.
Love you forever.
My dear sweet Angel.
xxxxx

Nov20

The smallest things

Posted on November 20, 2015 by MeRaw

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Friday 20th November

“Sometimes the smallest things
Take up the most room in your heart.”
~ winnie the pooh ~

Your uncle gave you a wonderful copy of Winnie the Pooh, soon after you were born, and you used to love hearing the stories. I read to you and your brother every bedtime for years, taking it in turns whose bed to sit upon, and which book to read.

Winnie the Pooh books provide so many inspiring and endearing quotes, words of wisdom and joy, but the one above, caught my eye today.

There are so, so many little things about you, that I miss so very much.

I have again been reading through cards that were sent to us when you passed away.

“We are so sad and shocked.
He was a much-loved son and brother who will be missed by so many people. We have known him since he was a baby, and have very fond memories of him.
You have been loving and caring parents, and have given him some wonderful travelling experiences in his short life.
Hopefully in time you will be able to look back at those times and find some peace of mind, and think of all the small things, and big things, you have done as a family.”

Small things and big things.

Yes, we have had many big adventures together, travelling the world.

But the little things about you…..

Like when we had finished our cup of tea, you would march into the room, pick it up, and deposit said cup loudly in the kitchen sink.

Or after Dad had had a bath, and left his towel over the bottom of the stairs, you would return it to the bathroom for him.

Or when you would insist that lunch is at twelve thirty and tea-time at six. And goodness me, if we weren’t in bed before ten thirty, then you’d want to know why.

If we went out shopping, you’d go off on your own, meeting up for lunch at a specified place, at a pre-determined time ~ even though you couldn’t tell the time, you could gauge the passing of time. And you were always spot on. We never knew how you did that.

Your shoes would always be placed neatly at the back door as soon as you came in. You didn’t have to be asked.

When you got up in the mornings, you would make yourself breakfast, and before you came back upstairs I had to have laid your clothing out for the day, and put toothpaste on your toothbrush.

Having Asperger Syndrome meant you liked to stick to a comfortable, safe routine.
And we too had that routine in our lives.
Your behaviour could be challenging and demanding, but you responded to fairness and reason (most of the time).

For thirty years we knew where we were, where we were going, and the consequences if the routine was side-stepped, for whatever reason.

And now…..?
We miss that routine that you imposed on our lives.
We miss your intense physical and emotional impact and presence.

All the little things.

The smallest things that were so important to you.

And yes, they do take up the most room in your heart.

We
Miss
You.

Love you Angel xxxx