Category Archives: brain tumour

Oct19

Cannot be taken from you

Posted on October 19, 2015 by MeRaw

Monday 19th October

“In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.”

And some of those infinitely precious things are the memories that we have of you.

I came across this photograph the other day of you and your brother, along with myself and my mum. You were five or six years old then.
We were on our Christmas holiday in New South Wales, Australia, and had driven to Pebbly Beach in Murramarang National Park.

Pebbly Beach, NSW

We had read about this beach in guidebooks, but wanted to see if was true that kangaroos actually lived there on the sands. (Some say that the kangaroos supposedly go surfing, but I think that is taking things a little too far.)

I remember driving down a steep and narrow, winding, bumpy track, eventually parking the car and walking over the grass towards the beach.

And yes, we did see a large group of kangaroos, and some were very tame, allowing themselves to be petted and fed apples.
You and your brother thought this was quite magical, seeing these animals in their natural habitat, and not just on the television or in a zoo. You were not afraid, and did touch the fur of one of these marvellous creatures.

From then on, one of your favourite story books became ‘Dot and the Kangaroo’, written in 1899 by Ethel C Pedley. You loved the whole series, and collected not just the books, but the toys and videos too. (The books are still upstairs in your bedroom.)

So, sweet dreams my Angel, as you play in the outback with Dot and the Kangaroo.

Miss you.
Love you.
xxxx

Oct18

Fly with the Angels

Posted on October 18, 2015 by MeRaw

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Sunday 18th October

“Fly with the Angels
Dance with the Stars.”

I can just imagine you flying, soaring and dancing
With Angels around the stars sparkling.

Although we weren’t ready to say goodbye,
I smile as I look for you up in the sky.

Missing you with all my heart, soul and mind.
I know in heaven, peace you’ll find.

Love you forever.
So, until we’re together
You’re in my heart
Even though far apart.

Beloved son xxxx

Oct17

Can you feel me missing you?

Posted on October 17, 2015 by MeRaw

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Saturday 17th October

I hope you can
I hope you know
I hope you see

That I am missing you.
Every waking moment,
And in my dreams.

To the moon and back
And all the world
Around the stars.

Nothing more
Nothing less.
I’m missing you.

Precious
Angel
Son.

xxx

Oct16

My star

Posted on October 16, 2015 by MeRaw

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Friday 16th October

“You are my Angel,
My darling,
My star…….

And my love will find you,
Wherever you are.”

My sweet little Angel, I do hope my love finds you.
Today and every day.
Can you feel me standing close, can you sense my presence daily, when we come to visit with you?
Do you know that I say good morning and goodnight from my pillow, as I look at your smiling face in a photograph of you?

With all my heart and soul, I send you my love.
I miss you and everything about you.

To the moon and back and all the world.
My bright, little star.
I love you.
xxxx

Oct15

Hold you in my heart

Posted on October 15, 2015 by MeRaw

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Thursday 15th October

Reading through the many cards that were sent to us when you went to heaven, the words here uplift the spirits, despite the trials and tribulations we faced bringing you up.

“We have watched you over the last thirty years to be the most amazing, caring, loving parents to Frank.
We will never understand the difficult times you have been through and the struggles you have faced, but we have seen you support Frank through them all.
You truly have been amazing parents.”

Having Asperger Syndrome, Pierre Robin Syndrome and moderate learning difficulties, your behaviour was at times, incredibly challenging.
That is what made the love within our family so intense. You were extremely hard work, and massive amounts of patience and tolerance were needed. Not just from us, but from your brother, too.

A short anecdote…….
The family who wrote those words in the card have two daughters, the same ages as you and your brother. I used to give extra mathematics tuition after school to the elder girl. This must have been when you were aged about thirteen or so.
Anyway, one afternoon, she and I were sitting at our kitchen table, working through some algebra problems, when you came in and asked to have a particular video to watch on the television. I asked you to wait until I had finished my hour’s session, then I would find it for you.
I’m afraid you didn’t have the patience to wait.
You filled up a glass of water from the tap, poured it over my head, and left the room.
I have never felt so embarrassed and speechless; I didn’t know where to look. I think I just mopped up the water on the table, and carried on as if nothing had happened.
Looking back it seems quite amusing now, but oh my goodness, you could be a little monkey at times. Anything to shock and outrage to gain attention, that was you all over.

And so we had to become strong parents to try and guide you to make sensible choices, to tone down your behaviour in social situations, to give you knowledge of the wider world, but still to have that sprinkling of mischievousness about you, that made you so unique, endearing and loving.

For thirty years, the circumstances and obstacles we faced, with the intense and profound love we have for you, has made your loss that much more tortuous and harrowing; so, so difficult to handle and accept.
You were our child who never properly grew up, part of us for three decades. You needed us, and we needed you.

We’ll love you forever.
And I’ll hold you in my heart,
Til I can hold you in my arms.
Sleep tight my Angel.
xxxx

Your lovely smile

Key West sunset, sweetheart.

A cheeky grin

Your flowers today

Cemetery sunshine

Oct14

Dad’s birthday

Posted on October 14, 2015 by MeRaw

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Wednesday 14th October

Another first…….
Dad’s first birthday without you being here.
Without your card, or morning birthday greetings.
Dad missed you a lot today.
It was so quiet without you.

We remember so many good times together.

Dearest Angel son.
We grow older, and you remain forever thirty years old.
Just wish it wasn’t so.

Love you forever.
xxxxx

You and Dad. Bahia Honda State Park, The Keys

You and Dad. Universal Studios

You and Dad. Seuss Landing, Universal

You and Dad. Hawaiian Luau, Sea World

You and Dad. Aquatica

You and Dad. Busch Gardens

You and Dad. Christmas Eve, Disney World

You and Dad. Hilton Head Island

You and Dad this morning

Dad and I this afternoon

Oct13

Look to the sky

Posted on October 13, 2015 by MeRaw

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Tuesday 13th October

The last few days have seen a series of beautiful blue sky moments, few clouds, just the clearest and brightest of cerulean atmospheres.

And I have taken to looking skyward, searching for little signs of you.
A fluffy, white cloud scudding past.
An shimmering aeroplane destined for distant shores.
A prism of rainbow colours.
Sunbeams dancing through the branches of trees.
A watery halo around the sun.

So many places where I look for you.

“When I look to the sky,
something tells me
you’re here with me.”

You are here with me, aren’t you?
Are you with me, are you with me?
I know that you are.

Miss you.
Love you.
Forever.
Angel.
xxxx

A plane flying west, over your place of rest

Oct12

Remember

Posted on October 12, 2015 by MeRaw

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Monday 12th October

Seven months.
It’s seven long months since you went to bed, fell asleep and didn’t wake up.
Seven months in heaven.

No more chemotherapy.
No more surgery.
No more peripheral neuropathy.
No more scans.
No more sickness.
No more testicular cancer.

But there is no more you.
And that hurts so much.
Just memories and moments in time.
Reminders and remembrances.

And we will keep on remembering, talking about you, telling everyone about your life. Taking you with us, wherever we go, from now on, firmly ensconced in our hearts.

Seven months ago, you had driven to Bristol airport, with Dad, to pick up your brother. He was returning from Spain, having spent time with his girlfriend.
Well, yesterday he arrived back there, having spent two days travelling. Not by plane this time, but car and ferry. Quite an arduous journey by all accounts.
I know your brother misses you greatly, even if he is quiet and doesn’t show much emotion. But he cared about you deeply, and you have left a huge void in his life, too.

So, seven months.
And we do remember the laughter.
The smiles.
The love.
All we do is just remember.

We all love you so very much.
Beloved son and brother.
Precious Angel xxxx

Oct11

The grieving heart

Posted on October 11, 2015 by MeRaw

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Sunday 11th October

“I am the loneliness of the tree as she
loses her falling leaves………
……… I am the love without end
I am the grieving heart.”

That first line.

The crisp, golden-brown leaves are now beginning their downward spiral as the autumn winds gently shake the branches to loosen the hold of those colour changing, confetti-like leaves.

All around your place of rest, the ground is strewn with crisp, brown leaves. Once detached from it’s branch, that’s it. There’s no going back. The leaf can only fall to earth. Maybe not directly, being picked up by the wind and tumbled along. But ultimately it’s flight path or destination is irreversible.

Each leaf falls independently, alone, but then they land on the ground, together.

You, my darling, have fallen from our arms, there is no possibility of reversing that fact. I have lost you. But you are together in heaven with your great-grandparents, grandfathers and aunt.

And I am left with a grieving heart.

Love you beautiful boy.
Forever with me.
xxxxx

Oct10

Not a day goes by

Posted on October 10, 2015 by MeRaw

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Saturday 10th October

“Not a day goes by
that I don’t think of you
and smile.
Or cry.
Or both.”

Such is our life now that we really are on a rollercoaster of emotions.
One moment feeling light and just about ok.
And then, almost at once a heavy weight of sorrow comes crashing towards you, almost knocking you sideways.

Happy, sad.
Smiling, crying.
Coping, failing.
Calm, confusion.

It doesn’t take but a minute to switch between the two opposing states of emotions.

The sweet sadness of your memory elicits both smiles and tears at the same time.

And it is so hard to face the world each new day, without you, knowing that at any moment the mask might slip, and everything you’ve been holding together suddenly crumbles and spills all over the floor.

Missing you tremendously.
Thinking of you never-endingly.
Loving you immensely.
Wishing for your presence constantly.

Sending you kisses and cuddles.
Dearest Angel son xxxx