Category Archives: chemotherapy

You should be here

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Friday 4th December

You should be here, and that’s the truth.
But nothing can change the fact
That you’re never coming back.

You should be here, enjoying the fun.
But now you live in heaven above
All I can do is send you my love.

You should be here, this Christmastime.
You should be here……
You should be…….
You should…….
You…………

…………………….

Today I received three Christmas cards in the post:
One from an old school friend, with condolences, reminiscing about the past.
One from your Dad’s aunt, wishing us well, despite it being the first Christmas without you.
One from old friends, sent to all of us, including you. They don’t know you’ve gone to heaven.

Each one of the cards made me cry.
I suppose this is how it’s going to be.
And I know I’ll never get used to it.

I love you so very much.
I miss you all the time.
I never stop thinking about you.

Sweet Angel son

xxxxx

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Your flowers today

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A Christmas robin from your Auntie

All the days

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Thursday 3rd December

“Honestly, I spent today missing you,
And that is how I will probably spend tomorrow
And the day after that
And probably all the days after that too.”

It was on this date last year, the third of December, that you began your chemotherapy treatment; a most aggressive regime.
And I’ve been thinking about that a lot today.

Being away for the last week, sharing time with your brother in Spain and Portugal, I haven’t paid much attention to the radio, shops or news. Driving home from the airport today, and listening to the car radio, there is much talk of Christmas, and the playing of festive music; the stores are decorated with lights and trees; the countdown has begun.

But I’m just not looking forward to this time of year at all.
I don’t want to seem miserable and spoil it for others, but I would much rather disappear and come back in January.

I’m just missing you so much at the moment, with the festive season approaching. And coming back to the house, all quiet and empty, it’s such a change from when we all used to return after a holiday.

Thinking of you tonight.
Blowing kisses to heaven.
Love you forever.
Angel son.
xxxx

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I just miss you so much

Just can’t believe you’re gone

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Wednesday 2nd December

This is our last day on holiday with your brother and his girlfriend.
We awake early, pack, have a coffee, then load up the car.
We are heading for Portugal, ultimately for Lisbon airport, but first we stop at a little seaside town, Caparica, for lunch.

Your brother had recommended a sushi restaurant, so we sit down and order……..
My goodness, what a spread.

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Part of our lunch order

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Spectacular sushi

We then need a little exercise to walk off our lunch. The sea had some good waves, with many surfers enjoying the swell. The local fishermen were bringing in today’s catch up on the sand.
We sat for a while, on a rocky pier, in the warm afternoon sunshine.

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View of Caparica from the pier

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Your brother, wishing he was out surfing too

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You enjoyed the sunshine too

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Fishermen with their boat and tractors, hauling in the net

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Fishermen against a blue and cloudy sky

And I thought of you.
This is our first holiday where you haven’t been able to join us.
It took much soul searching for us to make up our minds to go away without you.
You were always such a huge part of our travel plans.
You absolutely loved coming away on holiday with us.
And now, everything has changed.

And sometimes, I still just can’t believe you’re gone………

I miss you so, so much.
Thinking of you tonight.
Love you, baby.
Angel son.
xxxxx

I miss having you to talk to

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Tuesday 1st December

We start the day by taking your brother’s girlfriend’s dog for a walk. It is a super friendly American bull terrier called Danko; so very strong and full of energy.

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Danko eating a bone

Late morning, and we pick up Ana’s father, and drive to Elvas in Portugal for lunch. As we enter the city we pass a marvellous four-tier aqueduct, 130 feet tall, that stretches for almost four miles.

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The aqueduct at Elvas

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We have a traditional Portuguese spread for lunch. Beginning with breads, olives, cheese, tuna paté and linguica, this is swiftly followed by bacalhau, a dish of salt cod, scrambled eggs and fried potato matchsticks. When all the plates are cleared, platters of churrasquiera, hot and spicy chicken are presented to us. The peri-peri hot oil makes one’s mouth tingle with the heat of chillies.
We complete the meal with a huge plate of the most wonderful mouth-watering desserts. Sericaia topped with a sugar plum, molotov flan, multi-layered coffee cake, baked apple, caramel tart and more.

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A selection of Portuguese desserts

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Around the table

Beer, red wine and a Portuguese liqueur, Beirão, all slipped down quite easily during the many courses.

Feeling quite comfortably full, we have a little wander around the castle of Elvas.

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Elvas castle

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You, sitting on the castle walls

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The sun going down behind the church inside the castle walls

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Another hill top fort can be seen in the distance

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Inside the city walls

Driving back to Badajoz as the sun begins to set, the colours in the sky turning a glowing orange.

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The sun beginning to set over the river Guadiana

Parking quickly, we walk through the plaza to watch the sunset from the top of the castle walls, the Alcazaba, an ancient Moorish citadel.

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Castle walls in the last of the sunshine

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You, on the castle walls of Badajoz

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A dramatic sky

We then walk back through the Plaza Alto, to the car, and make our way back home.

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Plaza Alto

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In the Plaza

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You were there too

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The Plaza decorations

And so we come to the end of our last full day with your brother and girlfriend’s family. If only you could actually have been here with us, I’m sure you would have loved everything about Spain and Portugal.

We love you so very much.
Missing you every day.
Thinking about you always.
And I miss having you to talk to.
Fly high sweetie pie.
Sleep tight darling.
Beloved Angel son.

xxxxx

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Your flowers today. Looking lovely. Being cared for by your Auntie.

Thinking of you, again

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Monday 30th November

Today your brother drove Dad and I to the ancient Roman city of Mérida, about forty minutes North of Badajoz.
The amphitheatre, arena and gardens were absolutely spectacular.
Mérida was founded in 25 BC, and preserves more important Roman monuments than any other city in Spain.

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The view from the entrance

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Roman remains

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The amphitheatre

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The stage

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Imagine gladiators, lions and other beasts in the arena

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Roman arch

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Roman columns

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Shadows

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Julio Cesar Augusto

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Entrance to the amphitheatre

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Columns and statues in the amphitheatre

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Livia, the wife of Emperor Augustus stands over the entrance to the amphitheatre

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Gardens and ruins of Mérida

Having left the amphitheatre, we drove to the road beside the river, and walked along part of the oldest, ancient Roman bridge, and looked at more ruins of the Alcazabar.

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Puente Romano over the river Guadiana

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Puente Romano

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Sitting on the oldest, longest Roman bridge

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You were posing in front of a statue of Romulus and Remus

Your brother then drove us back to Badajoz, just in time for dinner.
The sky was beautiful, at first with a few whispy clouds, then a magnificent fiery sunset.
A wonderful end to a lovely day.

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Big sky

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Fire in the sky

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Amazing colours

We do miss you my darling.
Our days are just not the same.

You would loved to have heard the stories of gladiators fighting the lions, or the emperor giving a thumbs down to the poor, losing opponent following combat in the stadium.

We wish you were still here, enjoying new places and sightseeing with us.

It’s just not the same.

Love you forever.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxx

You are missed

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Sunday 29th November

This morning we found a Starbucks in Seville for breakfast coffee, watched the trams glide through the plaza, listened to the horses hooves pull the carriages around and marvelled at an impromptu flamenco dancer and guitar player.

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Seville tram

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The view from Starbucks

Then we walked to the cathedral and wandered around inside.
The cathedral is the largest Gothic cathedral, and third largest church in the world. It houses an amazing art collection, with huge paintings by Goya, Murillo and Zubaran. We also stood at the tomb of Christopher Columbus’ son.

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The tomb of Christopher Columbus' son

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High ceilings

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Inside the cathedral

Magnificent ceilings, an impressive organ, many stained glass windows and massive doorways filled us with awe and wonderment.

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Gilded frieze

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Sunday morning mass

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One of the many stained glass windows

We then walked on to the Alcázar Palace and Gardens, home of the Spanish royal family when they are in Seville. Opulent architecture, elegant gardens, majestic walkways and fabulous water features greeted us at every twist and turn.

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Walking towards the palace

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Palace entrance plaza

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Arabic influences everywhere

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A superb mosaic ceiling

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Intricate outdoor embellishment

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Arches and porticos and colonades

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Wonderful mosaics

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Fabulous ceiling

All in all very cultural day exploring old Seville.
I’m not sure what you would have made of it, perhaps preferring more modern shops, bookstores and malls.
But you came along with us, every step of the way.

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Terrifically tall palm tree

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Blue skies

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Spiky tree

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Your brother and his girlfriend

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Fountain and an avenue of trees

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Mosaic bench

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Mid-morning snack with you

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Beautiful bouganvillea

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Fish filled pond

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Angel bear in front of the palace

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Family photo ~ with you on my lap

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Making our way back to the hotel

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A quick stop by the river before leaving Seville

Love you forever.
You never leave my mind.
Precious Angel son.
xxxxx

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Your flowers today

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A new robin at your resting place ~ kindly bought by your aunt

I miss you so much

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Saturday 28th November

On this date last year, we found out the extent of your cancer. Not only lung tumours, but brain tumours as well. Such an awful day. I remember it as if it happened yesterday.
This was the day when you were admitted to the hospital, and your treatment began.
This was the day when I spent two nights sleeping in a chair beside your bed…………
How I wish we could turn back the clock, and change the course of events……..

But here we are…..
And there you are……

We travelled to Seville this morning, and have spent the rest of the day exploring the old town, the cathedral, gardens, and ended up somewhere in a bar, down an alleyway, watching an authentic flamenco show.

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Old historic town of Seville

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Seville oranges

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Our hotel in the historic old town

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Balconies, mosaics, ironwork

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Palm trees and blue sky

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Seville old town

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In the plaza for lunch

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Angel bear and beer ~ of course you're with us

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Narrow streets

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The town hall

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Beautiful architecture

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Seville cathedral

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Inside the cathedral

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Inside the cathedral

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Seville cathedral

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Pink walls and Jasmine flowers

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Interesting alleyways

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Orange trees grow everywhere

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Narrow walkways and shops

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Fabulous tree trunk

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Magnificent doorway

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Narrow walkways

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Shops and restaurants

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You are always with us

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Busy Saturday night

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White and yellow

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Narrow streets

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Midnight people

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Your brother and girlfriend enjoying an evening cocktail

Love you so very much my darling.
Missing you like crazy.
Wish you were here with us.
xxxxx

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Your flowers today

You never leave my mind

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Friday 27th November

This morning we explored the old city of Badajoz , where your brother’s girlfriend lives. So many narrow streets, terracotta tiled rooves, and castle battlements, plus the sky was an amazing azure blue. A very pleasant November day.

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The rooftops of Badajoz

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Plaza Alto

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The rooves of Badajoz

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Plaza Alto

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Narrow streets

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Graffiti on the walls of old Badajoz

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Balconies and wrought iron work

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The house where we are staying ~ as blue as the sky

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The house

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Lemon trees in the garden

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Palm tree in the garden

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And of course, you are with us too.

We miss you so much.
It would have been wonderful to have you here with us.
Exploring, new adventures, experiences, people, foods, language.
You would have a great time.
Love you forever.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxxx

Miss you everyday

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Thursday 26th November

Today was spent exploring the old city of Lisbon, and climbing to the top of Castelo di Sao Jorge. Spectacular views of the rooftops, churches and river beyond could be seen. It was an exceptionally clear, blue sky day, and much warmer than normal.

We took the little Angel teddy bear with us, so you could be there too. I think you would have liked to explore the castle. There was even a tour guide dressed up in a suit of armour complete with metal helmet.

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Angel teddy on the battlements of the castle

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Looking out across the city

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Angel teddy at the Castelo de Sao Jorge

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Inside the castle walls

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On the battlements again

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Peacocks in the castle grounds

After the exploration of the castle we took a tram ride around the city, through steep, narrow cobbled streets. We saw many restaurant and cafe tables on the pavements, sheltered with large parasols, tuk tuks weaving in and out of the traffic, and of course many tourists enjoying the unseasonably warm, sunny weather.

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Lisbon tram

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Tram coming down the cobbled street

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Our morning libation, complete with ice cream

You would have loved the ice-cream ~ kiwi and rum raisin.

Late afternoon saw us leaving the city and heading east to your brother’s girlfriend’s house across the border in Spain. A wonderful sunset accompanied us, followed by the rising of the full moon.

I wish you could have been here with us too.
I miss your fun and cheekiness as we explore new places.
You would have loved the sights, sounds and smells of Lisbon.

Love you my Angel.
Sleep tight darling.
xxxxx

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Your flowers today

Every day

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Wednesday 25th November

“Do I miss you?
Every day.”

After much deliberation of shall we, shan’t we, ummming and arrrrring, we decided to get away for a few days.
And so here we are, in Lisbon.

We left Exeter yesterday afternoon, and stayed overnight in an airport hotel in London.

We have come to visit with your brother and his girlfriend. He has wanted to see us for a long time now, and had pestered us into flying out for a few days.
His girlfriend lives in Spain, two hours East of Lisbon.
You would have liked to travel with us, never having been to Spain or Portugal before, and it is only a quick two hour flight from London.
But we have brought you here, with us, in our hearts forever.
And the Angel teddy bear came out with us tonight for tapas and a beer.

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Angel teddy in Lisbon

I somehow feel guilty coming away without you, leaving you behind.
But you are with us, aren’t you?
And my sister will be visiting your resting place, tending the flowers for us, for you.

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Your flowers today

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Love you so very much my darling.
xxxx

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