Category Archives: brain tumour

Dec8

In response to ‘Everything and Nothing’

Posted on December 8, 2015 by MeRaw

Tuesday 8th December

“Yes, you can laugh. He’d want you to.
You can do whatever you want to do.
You can cry, you can wail,
Whatever it takes to nurture your frail.
You can question, you can ask,
For however long this pain lasts.
You can scream, you can yell,
Until you run out of stories to tell.
You can share, share with us all,
Show us how much it hurts to fall.
So thank you, thank you for You,
For sharing your heart, and being true.”

This poem was written for me by fellow blogger http://lonerloaner.com following yesterday’s post from me, ‘Everything and Nothing’.

I absolutely love the poem, even though on first reading I’ll admit it did make me cry.
It’s just so beautiful and an amazing, kindhearted gesture.
Such generous compassion.
So thank you LonerLoaner, from the bottom of my heart.

And I will continue to write, to tell of the stories and memories of my son, to share my pain and heartbreak to all who will listen and read.

I do so miss you, baby.
Love you sweetie pie.
Thinking of you always.
Dearest Angel son.
xxxxx

Dec7

Everything and Nothing

Posted on December 7, 2015 by MeRaw

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Monday 7th December

“What’s the matter?
I smile and say ‘Nothing’.
Then I turn around,
And whisper ‘Everything’.”

Nothing,
and Everything
Is the matter.
Both at the same time,
Or all at once,
Together.

I might be smiling,
But I’m missing you.
I may be laughing,
(is that allowed?),
And wishing you were here.
Right now.

I’m making plans
Except I’m leaving you out.
I’m still breathing
But you’re not.
Your photograph,
Wishing you’d spring to life.

So yes, Nothing.
And Everything.
What I would give
For Nothing to matter
And Everything
Back as it was.

………………………

Two hundred and seventy one days ago you gained your Angel wings.
It’s eight months today since your funeral.
Two hundred and forty four days since we laid you to rest in the cemetery that we visit on a daily basis.

Today we tidied up your resting place, removing your name structure, and the petunias. Time for a bit of a sweep up. There are so many leaves, twigs and branches being blown about; it was dry but incredibly windy.
There is still more to do, but we’ll be back tomorrow my sweetie, don’t worry.

……………………

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about my phone call this evening. My melanoma trials nurse rang to let me know the results of the CT scan I had a couple of weeks ago ~ all is clear, I’m NED again ~ No Evidence of Disease.
So Everything is ok.
Is it?
Nothing to worry about.
Would that that were true.
See you in six months time.
As I move into Year Three of the Combi-Ad trial.
I wish it had been this easy with you.

Nothing.
And
Everything.

You are my Everything, and Nothing will change that.

Loving you like Nothing else matters.
Missing Everything about you.

Forever young.
Sweet Angel son.
xxxxx

8th April 2015

8th May 2015

8th June 2015

8th July 2015

6th August 2015 (On 8th August, we were climbing Snowdon for you.)

8th September 2015

8th October 2015

8th November 2015

Today

Dec6

Truly believe

Posted on December 6, 2015 by MeRaw

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The Polar Express

Sunday 6th December

Tonight as I was preparing dinner, I was half watching The Polar Express on the television in the kitchen.

You and I used to watch this film together every year; you knew I liked it, and would remind me what day it was on, and at what time. It is a magical story, and one to which we could both relate; whether it was the main character struggling with his belief of Santa Claus, or the quiet, lonely boy, shyly making friends and accepting presents, or the parents who fail to hear the sound of the bell.

The bell still rings for me, for you.
I truly believe you are with me, now and always.
I can’t see you, but I know you’re there.

I love you so much.
I miss you more than ever.
Treasured Angel son.
xxxxx

Dec5

My precious child

Posted on December 5, 2015 by MeRaw

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Saturday 5th December

“I will always be your mother,
And you will always be
My precious child.”

Nothing will change the fact
That you are my precious child.
Right from that first moment
When I held you and smiled.

Watching you growing up
With a personality full of fun.
For thirty marvellous years
You were my special son.

Swimming, sailing, travelling,
Dancing, riding, reading.
We had so many adventures
So much life and loving.

Despite all of your problems
You were caring, warm and kind.
A bit of a cheeky monkey,
If you were so inclined.

Now there is a strange silence,
Where your laughter used to be.
Just tears, sorrow and memories,
I miss you so much, you see.

Love you.
My precious child.
Sweet Angel.
xxxx

Dec4

You should be here

Posted on December 4, 2015 by MeRaw

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Friday 4th December

You should be here, and that’s the truth.
But nothing can change the fact
That you’re never coming back.

You should be here, enjoying the fun.
But now you live in heaven above
All I can do is send you my love.

You should be here, this Christmastime.
You should be here……
You should be…….
You should…….
You…………

…………………….

Today I received three Christmas cards in the post:
One from an old school friend, with condolences, reminiscing about the past.
One from your Dad’s aunt, wishing us well, despite it being the first Christmas without you.
One from old friends, sent to all of us, including you. They don’t know you’ve gone to heaven.

Each one of the cards made me cry.
I suppose this is how it’s going to be.
And I know I’ll never get used to it.

I love you so very much.
I miss you all the time.
I never stop thinking about you.

Sweet Angel son

xxxxx

Your flowers today

A Christmas robin from your Auntie

Dec3

All the days

Posted on December 3, 2015 by MeRaw

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Thursday 3rd December

“Honestly, I spent today missing you,
And that is how I will probably spend tomorrow
And the day after that
And probably all the days after that too.”

It was on this date last year, the third of December, that you began your chemotherapy treatment; a most aggressive regime.
And I’ve been thinking about that a lot today.

Being away for the last week, sharing time with your brother in Spain and Portugal, I haven’t paid much attention to the radio, shops or news. Driving home from the airport today, and listening to the car radio, there is much talk of Christmas, and the playing of festive music; the stores are decorated with lights and trees; the countdown has begun.

But I’m just not looking forward to this time of year at all.
I don’t want to seem miserable and spoil it for others, but I would much rather disappear and come back in January.

I’m just missing you so much at the moment, with the festive season approaching. And coming back to the house, all quiet and empty, it’s such a change from when we all used to return after a holiday.

Thinking of you tonight.
Blowing kisses to heaven.
Love you forever.
Angel son.
xxxx

I just miss you so much

Dec2

Just can’t believe you’re gone

Posted on December 2, 2015 by MeRaw

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Wednesday 2nd December

This is our last day on holiday with your brother and his girlfriend.
We awake early, pack, have a coffee, then load up the car.
We are heading for Portugal, ultimately for Lisbon airport, but first we stop at a little seaside town, Caparica, for lunch.

Your brother had recommended a sushi restaurant, so we sit down and order……..
My goodness, what a spread.

Part of our lunch order

Spectacular sushi

We then need a little exercise to walk off our lunch. The sea had some good waves, with many surfers enjoying the swell. The local fishermen were bringing in today’s catch up on the sand.
We sat for a while, on a rocky pier, in the warm afternoon sunshine.

View of Caparica from the pier

Your brother, wishing he was out surfing too

You enjoyed the sunshine too

Fishermen with their boat and tractors, hauling in the net

Fishermen against a blue and cloudy sky

And I thought of you.
This is our first holiday where you haven’t been able to join us.
It took much soul searching for us to make up our minds to go away without you.
You were always such a huge part of our travel plans.
You absolutely loved coming away on holiday with us.
And now, everything has changed.

And sometimes, I still just can’t believe you’re gone………

I miss you so, so much.
Thinking of you tonight.
Love you, baby.
Angel son.
xxxxx

Dec1

I miss having you to talk to

Posted on December 1, 2015 by MeRaw

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Tuesday 1st December

We start the day by taking your brother’s girlfriend’s dog for a walk. It is a super friendly American bull terrier called Danko; so very strong and full of energy.

Danko eating a bone

Late morning, and we pick up Ana’s father, and drive to Elvas in Portugal for lunch. As we enter the city we pass a marvellous four-tier aqueduct, 130 feet tall, that stretches for almost four miles.

The aqueduct at Elvas

We have a traditional Portuguese spread for lunch. Beginning with breads, olives, cheese, tuna paté and linguica, this is swiftly followed by bacalhau, a dish of salt cod, scrambled eggs and fried potato matchsticks. When all the plates are cleared, platters of churrasquiera, hot and spicy chicken are presented to us. The peri-peri hot oil makes one’s mouth tingle with the heat of chillies.
We complete the meal with a huge plate of the most wonderful mouth-watering desserts. Sericaia topped with a sugar plum, molotov flan, multi-layered coffee cake, baked apple, caramel tart and more.

A selection of Portuguese desserts

Around the table

Beer, red wine and a Portuguese liqueur, Beirão, all slipped down quite easily during the many courses.

Feeling quite comfortably full, we have a little wander around the castle of Elvas.

Elvas castle

You, sitting on the castle walls

The sun going down behind the church inside the castle walls

Another hill top fort can be seen in the distance

Inside the city walls

Driving back to Badajoz as the sun begins to set, the colours in the sky turning a glowing orange.

The sun beginning to set over the river Guadiana

Parking quickly, we walk through the plaza to watch the sunset from the top of the castle walls, the Alcazaba, an ancient Moorish citadel.

Castle walls in the last of the sunshine

You, on the castle walls of Badajoz

A dramatic sky

We then walk back through the Plaza Alto, to the car, and make our way back home.

Plaza Alto

In the Plaza

You were there too

The Plaza decorations

And so we come to the end of our last full day with your brother and girlfriend’s family. If only you could actually have been here with us, I’m sure you would have loved everything about Spain and Portugal.

We love you so very much.
Missing you every day.
Thinking about you always.
And I miss having you to talk to.
Fly high sweetie pie.
Sleep tight darling.
Beloved Angel son.

xxxxx

Your flowers today. Looking lovely. Being cared for by your Auntie.

Nov30

Thinking of you, again

Posted on November 30, 2015 by MeRaw

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Monday 30th November

Today your brother drove Dad and I to the ancient Roman city of Mérida, about forty minutes North of Badajoz.
The amphitheatre, arena and gardens were absolutely spectacular.
Mérida was founded in 25 BC, and preserves more important Roman monuments than any other city in Spain.

The view from the entrance

Roman remains

The amphitheatre

The stage

Imagine gladiators, lions and other beasts in the arena

Roman arch

Roman columns

Shadows

Julio Cesar Augusto

Entrance to the amphitheatre

Columns and statues in the amphitheatre

Livia, the wife of Emperor Augustus stands over the entrance to the amphitheatre

Gardens and ruins of Mérida

Having left the amphitheatre, we drove to the road beside the river, and walked along part of the oldest, ancient Roman bridge, and looked at more ruins of the Alcazabar.

Puente Romano over the river Guadiana

Puente Romano

Sitting on the oldest, longest Roman bridge

You were posing in front of a statue of Romulus and Remus

Your brother then drove us back to Badajoz, just in time for dinner.
The sky was beautiful, at first with a few whispy clouds, then a magnificent fiery sunset.
A wonderful end to a lovely day.

Big sky

Fire in the sky

Amazing colours

We do miss you my darling.
Our days are just not the same.

You would loved to have heard the stories of gladiators fighting the lions, or the emperor giving a thumbs down to the poor, losing opponent following combat in the stadium.

We wish you were still here, enjoying new places and sightseeing with us.

It’s just not the same.

Love you forever.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxx

Nov29

You are missed

Posted on November 29, 2015 by MeRaw

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Sunday 29th November

This morning we found a Starbucks in Seville for breakfast coffee, watched the trams glide through the plaza, listened to the horses hooves pull the carriages around and marvelled at an impromptu flamenco dancer and guitar player.

Seville tram

The view from Starbucks

Then we walked to the cathedral and wandered around inside.
The cathedral is the largest Gothic cathedral, and third largest church in the world. It houses an amazing art collection, with huge paintings by Goya, Murillo and Zubaran. We also stood at the tomb of Christopher Columbus’ son.

The tomb of Christopher Columbus' son

High ceilings

Inside the cathedral

Magnificent ceilings, an impressive organ, many stained glass windows and massive doorways filled us with awe and wonderment.

Gilded frieze

Sunday morning mass

One of the many stained glass windows

We then walked on to the Alcázar Palace and Gardens, home of the Spanish royal family when they are in Seville. Opulent architecture, elegant gardens, majestic walkways and fabulous water features greeted us at every twist and turn.

Walking towards the palace

Palace entrance plaza

Arabic influences everywhere

A superb mosaic ceiling

Intricate outdoor embellishment

Arches and porticos and colonades

Wonderful mosaics

Fabulous ceiling

All in all very cultural day exploring old Seville.
I’m not sure what you would have made of it, perhaps preferring more modern shops, bookstores and malls.
But you came along with us, every step of the way.