Monthly Archives: December 2015

Dec11

Smiling down

Posted on December 11, 2015 by MeRaw

Friday 11th December

“I know you’re in
Heaven smiling down”

I think that’s what is keeping me together at the moment.
Knowing you’re in heaven.
You always said you wanted to go to heaven, and not the other place.
You made it, I’m sure.
And you’re smiling.

Aboard Rum Raisin, Bermuda, 1994

And here you are smiling down on me, on the prow of my father’s yacht: a cheeky grin, and a big wave for the camera. (I’m not sure your brother was as enthusiastic though, looking slightly uncertain there). I was cast adrift in the tender to take some photographs as you all sailed majestically past.

It was the first ever time we, as a family, had gone to stay with him, on board. Our first yachting holiday to Bermuda, the start of so many fun adventures.

We didn’t really know what to expect, we took far too much luggage, including snorkels, flippers, lilos, beach umbrella, sun tent, ice box……. It’s a miracle the boat stayed afloat with all the extra weight of us four and our belongings.

Rum Raisin cutting through the waves

Rum Raisin truly was a great yacht, with its black hull and red sails; a veritable pirate ship.

You did have a lot of fun on that holiday, even though you left the drinking water tap running all day on our first sail out of The Cut. Never mind, we found a marina later that afternoon, and filled up with fresh water. I thought my father would be very cross, but he accepted it as one of those things. Children, eh?

Rum Raisin from the clifftop

When not sailing, we visited the beautiful Crystal Caves, the busy Swizzle Inn, Horseshoe Bay and Elbow Beach, as well as the capital, Hamilton and the Royal Naval Dockyard.

We spent an amazing three weeks cruising on the azure blue sea, dodging a passing hurricane, sailing past the spectacular QE2, watching a round-the-island speedboat race, and you boys behaving yourselves with your grandfather.

Such superb, seafaring memories.

Fly free, My Angel.
My Love, fly high.
It’s ‘see you later’,
It’s not, ‘goodbye’.

Love you forever.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxxxx

Dec10

Missing my Angel

Posted on December 10, 2015 by MeRaw

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Thursday 10th December

A festive wreath for your resting place,
Tinsel and baubles tied with love.
Santa Claus and a red robin too.
Are you smiling down from up above?

Standing beside you as it gently rains,
We wish we had your hand to touch.
Then we could so quietly whisper,
That we love and miss you very much.

Jingle bells around your wooden cross,
Gently tinkling as the wind does blow.
My heart is broken, tears are falling.
Why was it the time for you to go?

I’m missing you, my sweet Angel,
Missing you each hour of every day.
Your laugh, smile, and naughtiness,
I love you more than words can say.

It’s Thursday.
I remember.
I miss you.
I love you.

xxxxx

Dec9

The memory of a life well spent

Posted on December 9, 2015 by MeRaw

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Wednesday 9th December

“The life given us by nature is short,
but the memory of a life well spent
is eternal.” Cicero

A life well spent?
Of that I’m sure.
Around the world
On one big tour.

Fun and laughter,
A terrific education.
New experiences
Whilst on vacation.

Happy families
Traveling together.
Making memories
In sunny weather.

Here you are with Kenneth the Pan Man, at Cascreole Restaurant in Castara, Tobago in 2002. We had anchored my dad’s yacht out in the bay, and come ashore in the dingy to find somewhere for lunch.

As we were sitting on the rooftop of this restaurant a man sets up his steel drums and plays for us, then offers to teach you how to play ‘Twinkle, twinkle little star’. How honoured did you feel? You felt so good at being able to have a go on the steel drums, and as I remember, you were pretty good at it too.

Having finished our lunch, we spent time on the beach, snorkelling, swimming and making sandcastles. Such lush, tropical surroundings, crystal clear seas, with the coconut palms growing on the beach, leaning over the waves. Paradise.

Dreams and memories of happy times.

Blowing kisses to heaven.
Love you forever.
Sweet Angel son.
xxxxxx

Jingle bells for you xxx

Love you xxx

Dec8

In response to ‘Everything and Nothing’

Posted on December 8, 2015 by MeRaw

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Tuesday 8th December

“Yes, you can laugh. He’d want you to.
You can do whatever you want to do.
You can cry, you can wail,
Whatever it takes to nurture your frail.
You can question, you can ask,
For however long this pain lasts.
You can scream, you can yell,
Until you run out of stories to tell.
You can share, share with us all,
Show us how much it hurts to fall.
So thank you, thank you for You,
For sharing your heart, and being true.”

This poem was written for me by fellow blogger http://lonerloaner.com following yesterday’s post from me, ‘Everything and Nothing’.

I absolutely love the poem, even though on first reading I’ll admit it did make me cry.
It’s just so beautiful and an amazing, kindhearted gesture.
Such generous compassion.
So thank you LonerLoaner, from the bottom of my heart.

And I will continue to write, to tell of the stories and memories of my son, to share my pain and heartbreak to all who will listen and read.

I do so miss you, baby.
Love you sweetie pie.
Thinking of you always.
Dearest Angel son.
xxxxx

Dec7

Everything and Nothing

Posted on December 7, 2015 by MeRaw

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Monday 7th December

“What’s the matter?
I smile and say ‘Nothing’.
Then I turn around,
And whisper ‘Everything’.”

Nothing,
and Everything
Is the matter.
Both at the same time,
Or all at once,
Together.

I might be smiling,
But I’m missing you.
I may be laughing,
(is that allowed?),
And wishing you were here.
Right now.

I’m making plans
Except I’m leaving you out.
I’m still breathing
But you’re not.
Your photograph,
Wishing you’d spring to life.

So yes, Nothing.
And Everything.
What I would give
For Nothing to matter
And Everything
Back as it was.

………………………

Two hundred and seventy one days ago you gained your Angel wings.
It’s eight months today since your funeral.
Two hundred and forty four days since we laid you to rest in the cemetery that we visit on a daily basis.

Today we tidied up your resting place, removing your name structure, and the petunias. Time for a bit of a sweep up. There are so many leaves, twigs and branches being blown about; it was dry but incredibly windy.
There is still more to do, but we’ll be back tomorrow my sweetie, don’t worry.

……………………

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about my phone call this evening. My melanoma trials nurse rang to let me know the results of the CT scan I had a couple of weeks ago ~ all is clear, I’m NED again ~ No Evidence of Disease.
So Everything is ok.
Is it?
Nothing to worry about.
Would that that were true.
See you in six months time.
As I move into Year Three of the Combi-Ad trial.
I wish it had been this easy with you.

Nothing.
And
Everything.

You are my Everything, and Nothing will change that.

Loving you like Nothing else matters.
Missing Everything about you.

Forever young.
Sweet Angel son.
xxxxx

8th April 2015

8th May 2015

8th June 2015

8th July 2015

6th August 2015 (On 8th August, we were climbing Snowdon for you.)

8th September 2015

8th October 2015

8th November 2015

Today

Dec6

Truly believe

Posted on December 6, 2015 by MeRaw

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The Polar Express

Sunday 6th December

Tonight as I was preparing dinner, I was half watching The Polar Express on the television in the kitchen.

You and I used to watch this film together every year; you knew I liked it, and would remind me what day it was on, and at what time. It is a magical story, and one to which we could both relate; whether it was the main character struggling with his belief of Santa Claus, or the quiet, lonely boy, shyly making friends and accepting presents, or the parents who fail to hear the sound of the bell.

The bell still rings for me, for you.
I truly believe you are with me, now and always.
I can’t see you, but I know you’re there.

I love you so much.
I miss you more than ever.
Treasured Angel son.
xxxxx

Dec5

My precious child

Posted on December 5, 2015 by MeRaw

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Saturday 5th December

“I will always be your mother,
And you will always be
My precious child.”

Nothing will change the fact
That you are my precious child.
Right from that first moment
When I held you and smiled.

Watching you growing up
With a personality full of fun.
For thirty marvellous years
You were my special son.

Swimming, sailing, travelling,
Dancing, riding, reading.
We had so many adventures
So much life and loving.

Despite all of your problems
You were caring, warm and kind.
A bit of a cheeky monkey,
If you were so inclined.

Now there is a strange silence,
Where your laughter used to be.
Just tears, sorrow and memories,
I miss you so much, you see.

Love you.
My precious child.
Sweet Angel.
xxxx

Dec4

You should be here

Posted on December 4, 2015 by MeRaw

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Friday 4th December

You should be here, and that’s the truth.
But nothing can change the fact
That you’re never coming back.

You should be here, enjoying the fun.
But now you live in heaven above
All I can do is send you my love.

You should be here, this Christmastime.
You should be here……
You should be…….
You should…….
You…………

…………………….

Today I received three Christmas cards in the post:
One from an old school friend, with condolences, reminiscing about the past.
One from your Dad’s aunt, wishing us well, despite it being the first Christmas without you.
One from old friends, sent to all of us, including you. They don’t know you’ve gone to heaven.

Each one of the cards made me cry.
I suppose this is how it’s going to be.
And I know I’ll never get used to it.

I love you so very much.
I miss you all the time.
I never stop thinking about you.

Sweet Angel son

xxxxx

Your flowers today

A Christmas robin from your Auntie

Dec3

All the days

Posted on December 3, 2015 by MeRaw

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Thursday 3rd December

“Honestly, I spent today missing you,
And that is how I will probably spend tomorrow
And the day after that
And probably all the days after that too.”

It was on this date last year, the third of December, that you began your chemotherapy treatment; a most aggressive regime.
And I’ve been thinking about that a lot today.

Being away for the last week, sharing time with your brother in Spain and Portugal, I haven’t paid much attention to the radio, shops or news. Driving home from the airport today, and listening to the car radio, there is much talk of Christmas, and the playing of festive music; the stores are decorated with lights and trees; the countdown has begun.

But I’m just not looking forward to this time of year at all.
I don’t want to seem miserable and spoil it for others, but I would much rather disappear and come back in January.

I’m just missing you so much at the moment, with the festive season approaching. And coming back to the house, all quiet and empty, it’s such a change from when we all used to return after a holiday.

Thinking of you tonight.
Blowing kisses to heaven.
Love you forever.
Angel son.
xxxx

I just miss you so much

Dec2

Just can’t believe you’re gone

Posted on December 2, 2015 by MeRaw

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Wednesday 2nd December

This is our last day on holiday with your brother and his girlfriend.
We awake early, pack, have a coffee, then load up the car.
We are heading for Portugal, ultimately for Lisbon airport, but first we stop at a little seaside town, Caparica, for lunch.

Your brother had recommended a sushi restaurant, so we sit down and order……..
My goodness, what a spread.

Part of our lunch order

Spectacular sushi

We then need a little exercise to walk off our lunch. The sea had some good waves, with many surfers enjoying the swell. The local fishermen were bringing in today’s catch up on the sand.
We sat for a while, on a rocky pier, in the warm afternoon sunshine.

View of Caparica from the pier

Your brother, wishing he was out surfing too

You enjoyed the sunshine too

Fishermen with their boat and tractors, hauling in the net

Fishermen against a blue and cloudy sky

And I thought of you.
This is our first holiday where you haven’t been able to join us.
It took much soul searching for us to make up our minds to go away without you.
You were always such a huge part of our travel plans.
You absolutely loved coming away on holiday with us.
And now, everything has changed.

And sometimes, I still just can’t believe you’re gone………

I miss you so, so much.
Thinking of you tonight.
Love you, baby.
Angel son.
xxxxx