Monthly Archives: September 2015

Broken hearts

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Sunday 20th September

“We miss you more than anyone knows
As time goes by the emptiness grows.

We laugh. We talk. We play our part.
But behind our smiles are broken hearts.”

As soon as we step outside of the front door, a mask comes down over our faces. We are now different people from those which we portray in private.

Keeping emotions and feelings in check is hard. We don’t want to ‘break down’ in public, or be seen to be weak.

We do try and talk about you with smiles on our faces, but inside, beneath that mask, we are falling to bits.
Grief certainly is the price we pay for love.

Quite often, when we visit your graveside, that is when the tears fall, when no one else is around, where all is quite and peaceful. There, we can talk to you, ask you questions, remember and reminisce.

In our garden, watching your sunflowers grow is another place where we talk to you, wishing you could see those “tallest sunflowers in the world”. Tears flow here too, knowing that these flowers came from the seed packet you bought four days before you gained your Angel wings. I smile at the flowers, but inside my heart really is breaking. You should be standing next to me, looking up at the row of plants.

Our lives have changed so much.
We had thirty amazing years with you, and now it all seems massively empty.

We miss you sweetheart.
Remembering all the good times.
And there were so, so many.
We love you forever.
xxxx

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One of your sunflowers

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Still growing, oh so tall

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Feathers appear

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Saturday 19th September

“Feathers appear
when
angels are near.”

I woke up this morning, pushed back the covers, and saw a little white feather threaded through the top sheet, just by my face.
I hadn’t seen it previously.
Yes, I know it probably worked its way out of the duvet or the pillow, but it was as if you were there to say ‘Good morning’ to me.

That was one thing you’d always do; come into our bedroom, say ‘Good morning’, followed by ‘What are we going to do, today?’
And I so miss that start to the day: your early morning greeting, with a kiss and a cuddle.

Do feathers signify the presence of Angels?
Are you my Guardian Angel, watching over me?
Were you there this morning?

Sweet little Angel of mine.
Love you so very much.
Beloved son xxxx

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Looking up

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Friday 18th September

I do find myself looking up to the sky, imagining that you are up there, somewhere. Are you smiling back? Would love to think so.

Facebook gave me a reminder today of a photograph I had posted of you, from five years ago today. You are looking up at us, from the swimming pool below our hotel room in North Myrtle Beach.

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Happy days.
Family fun.
Simple things.
Best times.

We have been out to dinner again with your brother tonight. (His girlfriend is still in Spain, with her mum, who began her chemotherapy treatment today.)
We talked about you.
A lot.
We all miss you so very much.
We told your brother about your wonderful sunflowers, and the amazing height to which they have grown.
Walking home, the sun had just set, and the sky was very clear, looking up we could see a pretty crescent moon, low in the sky to the west.

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As I look up I think of you.
I know you’ve gone, but I hope your spirit can see us, can read our thoughts, and feel the love we have for you.

Missing you like crazy.
Sending so much love up to you.
Blowing kisses to Heaven.
Dearest Angel son xxxx

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Some days I just sit and remember

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Thursday 17th September

Yes, some days all I seem to do is just sit and remember.

Or I stand by the harbour wall, looking out over the sands, thinking of you.

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Big clouds reflecting in the pools of water on the sands

You are always there, always.

Even as we walk home, and a shower of rain falls on us, I see part of a rainbow through the trees, hitting the sea.
And I smile. A little.

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Small arc of a rainbow through the trees

You have really been on my mind today, a lot.
I think it’s what Thursday does to me.
Twenty seven long weeks without you.

Love you forever.
Miss you so much.
Dearest Angel son xxxx

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So much to live for

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Wednesday 16th September

You really did have so much to live for.

We thought you had beaten this disease, we were told the tumours were shrinking markedly.

We still had so much to do.

We were planning a trip to London to have afternoon tea at the Ritz. Something you had wanted to do, somewhere to dress up in your ‘posh’ black velvet jacket.

We had so many dreams still to fulfil.

To continue our travels far and wide, to find new theme parks, new experiences, to have fun, laugh, and make every day a happy one.

But no, it just was not to be.
For some unknown reason, you gained your Angel wings and left us with such heartbreak.

Marvellous memories, but utterly broken hearts.

Soar high, and smile, lovely boy.
We love you so dearly.
We miss you so much.
Angel son xxxx

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On this day last year

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Tuesday 15th September

It was a year ago today that you began a journey on the most awful rollercoaster. You were eventually to be given a diagnosis of testicular cancer, and the horrendous disease would take your life six months later.

You had complained of a pain ‘down there’: following a visit to the GP, you were referred to the hospital, where you spent almost all of this day at the A and E department in Torbay. An ultrasound scan confirmed a mass in your left testicle, and further appointments were made.

Little did we know then how serious this would turn out to be.

Would we have changed anything?
Would we have done things differently?
What could we have done to improve your chances?

In the back of my mind is always the niggling question of why you didn’t have a CT scan sooner. Following the biopsy, and then the removal of the testicle, we were told all was fine, and you came home with us.

It was not until late November it was discovered that you also had tumours in your brain and lungs. This was after we had almost demanded a scan be carried out, as you were having terrible headaches and vomiting.

Should we have insisted upon the CT scan directly after the orchidectomy?

Hindsight……
If only……
I wish……
What if……
Why……

We miss you more than words can say.
We love you so very, very much.
Sending kisses to Heaven.
Beloved Angel son.
xxxxx

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Month twenty one results

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Monday 14th September

It’s always there, in the background, trying to push forwards, poking at my subconscious, wanting an audience, asking to be heard.
I do try so very hard to not let it rule my thoughts though.
Scanxiety.
The anxious and tedious wait for my CT scan results.

Two weeks ago I had a scan as part of my participation in a clinical trial for the adjuvant treatment of stage three malignant melanoma.
I’m taking part in the Combi-Ad research by GSK, trialing two drugs called trametinib and dabrafenib.

You see, I had a malignant mole on my foot (the Alien Blob), that spread its cancerous cells into my lymphatic system, so I then had to have all the nodes at the top of my leg removed. Not pleasant.

And this evening, and for the next two and a half months, I can breathe a huge sigh of relief.
No Evidence of Disease.
I’m NED.
My trials nurse rang to give me the news this evening.
See you at the end of November for the next round of tests.

I should be relieved.
But I’m thinking of you.
I should feel happy.
But I’m missing you.

Why?
If only?
What if?

I love you so very much.
Sweetheart.
Son.
xxxxx

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My Sunbeam Angel

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Sunday 13th September

“Oh My Darling Angel
My heart loves you.
My soul misses you.
My memory longs
  to be in that same
    space and time
        With You.”

I really would like to be teleported or transported or transferred or transmogrified or whatever it’s called, to be with you.
Wherever you might be.
Right now.
Somewhere in space and time.
Just to be with you.

I miss everything about you.

Yesterday, I was going through the cards that people had sent, when you passed, and the one from our previous, elderly next-door neighbours brought a tear to my eyes:

“We have lovely memories when we lived next door to you.
Frank was a lovely boy, and so is his brother.
We had many chats over the wall.

We know he is a Sunbeam in Heaven.
All of God’s children, when they die, become Sunbeams.
They have a special place in Heaven.”

Sending you kisses to Heaven.

Sleep peacefully, my little Sunbeam Angel xxxx

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A beautiful posy box of flowers from your Auntie

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Six months in Heaven

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Saturday 12th September

It’s six months today since you gained your Angel wings.

And not a day goes by that I haven’t thought of you.

Fly free with the angels.
Love you forever xxxxx

18.1.1985  –  12.3.2015

#TesticularCancer #Checkemlads #RaisingAwareness #ForFranksSake

I put this on Facebook today, to try and raise awareness of this awful disease.

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Your memory lingers

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Friday 11th September

“In our hearts your memory lingers,
Sweetly tender, fond and true,
There is not a day that goes by
That we do not think of you.”

We have dinner tonight with your brother, as it was his day off. We sit by the window, watching the boats bobbing around in the harbour as the rain lashes down onto the pavement. There are still many tourists around, so we were lucky to have the table at the front of the restaurant.

We talk of you fondly, remembering you would order nachos from the menu with a lemonade, or you may have had the Big Kahuna Burger, like your brother ordered, probably followed by a chocolate brownie. We do miss you so very much. Three around the table just does not seem right; four of us is what it should be. Mum, Dad and two boys.

But it is not to be.

You are with us in spirit, for sure.
All around us, forever more.

Miss you.
Love you.
Sweet Angel child xxxx

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